Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend Saw Ferris Bueller’s Testicles Explode From The COVID-19 Vaccine

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Last night was the Met Gala, the annual fundraising benefit for the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City, and while people might want to complain about Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's fetching dress, we don't have time for that right now. Go troll elsewhere. No, the biggest news from the event was apparently that Nicki Minaj didn't attend. The Met Gala required proof of vaccination, and Minaj, who's a grown-ass woman, won't get vaccinated.

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She tweeted:

They want you to get vaccinated for the Met. if I get vaccinated it won't for the Met. It'll be once I feel I've done enough research. I'm working on that now. In the meantime my loves, be safe. Wear the mask with 2 strings that grips your head & face. Not that loose one.

At least she endorses facial coverings during the pandemic. She might live out the year.


Minaj's “research" on the vaccine is probably as extensive as what I conducted to determine who exactly she is. Per Wikipedia: "Onika Tanya Maraj-Petty known professionally as Nicki Minaj is a Trinidadian-born rapper, singer, and songwriter. She is known for her animated flow in her rapping and versatility as a recording artist." My half-assed research can at least confirm that Minaj isn't an infectious disease expert and isn't qualified to make a call on the efficacy of COVID-19 vaccines than the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Minaj later revealed why she was skittish about the vaccine, and it was like when that airhead Simone explained why Ferris Bueller was out sick.

Twitter

Yeah, so it probably wasn't the COVID-19 vaccine that caused testicle distress for Minaj's cousin's friend. Scrotum swelling is not a documented side effect of the vaccine, and journalist Kurt Eichenwald politely suggested that the guy is blaming the vaccine for his STD.

MSNBC's Joy-Ann Reid called out Minaj for sharing this nonsense about the vaccine. We're long past the point when we could all join hands and laugh about someone's swollen testicles. Vaccine resistance is killing people.

REID: You have a platform, sister, that is 22 million followers. For you to use your platform to encourage our community to not protect themselves and save their lives. My God, sister, you can do better than that. To use your platform to put people in the position of dying from a disease they don't have to die from. As a fan .. I am so sad that you did that.

Obviously, Reid is right, but Minaj wasn't humbled. Instead, she called Reid an “Uncle Tomiana," which I guess is her clever twist on “Uncle Tom." This placed me in the difficult position of having to side with either the Black woman I really respect or the sister I just learned existed. It actually wasn't that difficult, especially once Tucker Carlson rushed to Minaj's defense.

Carlson read Minaj's swollen testicle tweet out loud on his white power hour last night and said her gibberish was “sensible." Carlson has mocked Ocasio-Cortez's legitimate fears of rape and death during the January 6 Capitol attack. It's also unlikely that he'd support a Black celebrity who claimed that the police fucked up their cousin's friend's testicles, and that's something cops are more likely to do than the COVID-19 vaccine. I confess I feel bad about Minaj's cousin's friend, who I assume wanted to keep his troublesome testicles on the down low. His fiancée already dumped him. This is not what you want going public.

Tucker Carlson is almost certainly fully vaccinated, by the way, but willingly spreads disinformation about the vaccine that protects him from a needless death. Minaj did later recommend that people get vaccinated it their jobs depend on it (and they soon will). She'll also get vaccinated herself once she goes on tour. It's as if vaccine mandates produce better public health outcomes than clueless people doing their own “research."

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."

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