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Nikki Haley So Sad All The Democrats Want To Send Poor Donald Trump To The Electric Chair

National Politics

Why is a monkey like a bicycle?

They both have wheels, except for the monkey,

I couldn't tell you where I heard that joke. Possibly from my Dad or a Laffy Taffy wrapper somewhere. What I can tell you is that it is the very first thing that popped in my head as soon as I saw this quote from former UN Ambassador Nikki Haley from her upcoming interview with Norah O'Donnell on CBS Sunday Morning. You know, Nikki Haley, one of the bright shining examples of "See, not all Republicans are lunatics!" that the "reasonable and fair" Democrats love to toss out?

Let's all take a look.

Via CBS:

"You're gonna impeach a president for asking for a favor that didn't happen and– and giving money and it wasn't withheld?" Haley said. "I don't know what you would impeach him on. And look, Norah, impeachment is, like, the death penalty for a public official.

"When you look at the transcript, there's nothing in that transcript that warrants the death penalty for the president," she said, referring to a summary of a call President Trump had in July with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky

O'Donnell responded: "To be clear, it was not a complete transcript. There are still things that are missing from it. And in it, he does say, 'I would like you to do us a favor,' though."

Firstly, the death penalty and impeachment being the same thing should come as a huge relief for people like Jesse Tafero and Johnny Frank Garrett. What is that you say? They can't feel relief? Because they're dead? Because they were executed for crimes they actually did not commit?

How are the death penalty and impeachment alike?

You're dead at the end of both of them, except for impeachment.

There are many ways the death penalty and impeachment differ — for instance, one is a sentence and the other is an indictment — but the main one, really, is that only one of them results in your actual death. If you will notice, both Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton survived their impeachments. One of them is even still alive and well to this very day!

Second. I am not a lawyer, and I am not a cop. I have, however, watched a whole lot of crime shows in my day and can say, pretty definitively, that trying to commit a crime is a crime whether or not you get away with it. Thus, sting operations. People in jail for attempted murder! The entire premise of To Catch A Predator! Why, just a few days ago the FBI arrested a white supremacist for plotting to blow up a synagogue. He didn't do it, but he's still going to prison because he tried to buy pipe bombs and dynamite from an undercover FBI agent.

If I were to call someone up and offer them money to kill someone for me, that is a crime, whether or not the person actually agrees to do it. Just like it is a crime for a president to ask this kind of favor, whether he gets results or not.

Does it get stupider? Oh boy, does it ever. Because Haley then quote tweeted her own quote with the caption "This is a decision for the American people," along with a tiny American flag to denote how vastly patriotic she is.

No, Nikki, it's not. It's in the constitution. Also, we are not Super Lawyer Larry Klayman, and we all know that we cannot go and attempt do a citizen's arrest on the president and then try him in absentia before a jury of our Cabbage Patch dolls. If the President is possibly guilty of a crime, he gets impeached by the elected officials that we, the American people, elected to represent us. That is how this works.

There are myriad Sesame Street "One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others" videos available on YouTube. Perhaps Haley would do very well to watch a few of them before she goes and compares her next broken nail to losing a limb.

Sesame Street: One of These Things www.youtube.com


[CBS]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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