Nikki Haley is continuing her audition for Donald Trump's next top Mike Pence. She has absolutely no shame in her game, and she dropped a steaming load in the New York Times today defending her former boss. (Before we proceed, let's remember that when Haley resigned as UN ambassador she laughably saluted Jared Kushner as a “hidden genius." Yeah, that genius is very well hidden.)

HALEY: Overheated critics of President Trump accuse him of being an authoritarian. Of not caring about checks and balances, civil rights, and constitutional limits on executive power. And yet, today, many of these same critics demand that he nationalize supply chains, deploy the military on our shores and shut down every town in America. It's a curious thing.

It is curious how we want firefighters to douse our homes with water only when they're on fire. If fire trucks just soaked houses randomly for kicks or in childish retaliation because people weren't nice enough to them, we'd all protest like ingrates. Trump declaring a national emergency to pay for his stupid, racist WALL was a shocking power grab designed to sidestep Congress after Nancy Pelosi laughed in his dumb face. Yet he dithered over declaring a national emergency for COVID-19. Trump's “Department of Justice" sued states over their own sanctuary city policies and threatened to withhold law-enforcement grants if they didn't follow his xenophobic orders. Now, Trump claims he's just “backup" to states' efforts to fight the coronavirus.

Haley insults our intelligence when she plays to the stupidity of Trump supporters. This president was impeached for abusing his powers. That doesn't mean his liberal critics oppose the president having any powers at all. As a less fictional president said on "The West Wing," “There are times when we are 50 states and there are times when we're one country and have national needs." COVID is a national threat that doesn't respect state borders or petty political grievances.


Unfunded Mandates - The West Wing www.youtube.com

Haley defends Trump's half-assed response to the pandemic. She suggests that “America is best served when presidents respect the diversity of states instead of dictating uniform solutions." This isn't about gun laws, abortion rights, or how specifically gay a state should be. This isn't about culture but biology. National shut downs might've prevented fools from flying down to Florida to party before spreading COVID to different parts of the country.

HALEY: I was a Republican governor with a Democrat in the White House. We disagreed on most policy matters, but we put those differences aside to serve the immediate needs of our joint constituents.

Yes, because that “Democrat" — his name is Barack Obama — wasn't a wannabe mob boss who insulted Haley on Twitter and demanded that people not send her needed supplies because she wouldn't (metaphorically) dance in a cage for him. God, it pisses me off when Republicans boast about how well they were able to work with Obama during national emergencies, as if that had nothing to do with Obama's own leadership. Obama was literally “no drama." Trump is an opera with an all-clown cast.

These fucking tweets, lady:


Was Obama ever this disrespectful to you, Ms. Haley? Was he every anything but supportive when a white supremacist murdered black churchgoers or when Hurricane Matthew threatened South Carolina? He gave a moving eulogy at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church and never once called you a “snake." He proactively declared a national emergency for Matthew so you'd have the federal aid you needed.

Obama: 'Pay Attention' to Hurricane Matthew www.youtube.com

HALEY: As our highest nationally elected leader, of course President Trump has enormous responsibility in this unprecedented crisis, and he is marshaling the federal response on a massive scale. But in implementing plans to save people's lives and keep our economy afloat, look no further than the governors.

Governors who aren't Trump-ists have done admirable work in spite of Trump. The president's literally done the bare minimum when not actively erecting barriers of incompetence and malice. It's no wonder that Americans are closing their eyes and pretending California Gov. Gavin Newsom and New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo were their real presidents.

HALEY: Governors who complain about the Trump administration are, in some cases, attempting to distract from their own failures to plan and execute.

Fuck you, lady, and the Confederate flag you rode in on. The governors who “complain" about the mad king are holding him accountable during a national crisis. They aren't trying to distract from their “own failures." You've confused them with your fake daddy. The most-Trump-adoring governors — Ron DeSantis and Brian Kemp — have stood by with their fingers up their ass while the coronavirus bum-rushed their states.

Haley's former lieutenant governor, Henry McMaster, was an early supporter of Trump. (Trump arguably elevated Haley to the UN so McMaster could take her old job.) His loyalty hasn't kept the virus from ravaging South Carolina.

HALEY: Governors are the most successful when they are given the flexibility to lead.

Fuck you.

HALEY: The federal government can provide the resources, but it should not take away too much flexibility. New York is not New Mexico. South Dakota is not South Carolina.

No, South Dakota has 320 coronavirus cases. South Carolina has 2,417. Haley should show less contempt for Democratic governors who dare criticize Trump and more for McMaster, who failed our home state.

Fuck You, Fuck You, and Fuck You! Who's Next? www.youtube.com


[New York Times]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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