It's Election Eve. NO BEDWETTING, PLEASE!
We hate to interrupt your panic attack, but Your Wonkette would like to remind you that the Trump campaign would have its hands full arranging a three-car funeral, much less a nationwide campaign to ratfuck this election.
Okay, that's a lie. We very much hope to interrupt your panic attack, because that shit is entirely unproductive. The part about them being a pack of losers who couldn't find their collective junk with two hands and a map is completely true, though. All this posturing about the unstoppable Death Star juggernaut Trump campaign was bullshit from the jump, so don't get yourself worked up about some kind of eleven-dimensional chess. They're still the same old chucklefucks who needed Vladimir Putin's help to get elected in 2016, only now the country hates them even more.
Check out Old Three Shirts saying that they're going to "get into the counting rooms" and deny Joe Biden a victory that way.
Here's the transcript courtesy of Media Matters:
STEVE BANNON: The one thing we've taken off the table I'm pretty sure is the knockout blow of a Biden win on Tuesday night — not going to happen. [If you say so, Steve. -- Ed.] So, you take that off the table then you're in uncharted territories.
President Trump is going to declare victory on Tuesday night. I'm glad the mainstream media is finally catching up with that. You know why? Because he's going to be in the lead and then we're going to get into the counting rooms, right, we're going to get in the counting rooms.
People are now starting to ascertain we have a strategic advantage not just in the counting rooms, we have a strategic advantage in the state legislatures and we have a strategic advantage in the House of Representatives.
Ah, yes, the House of Representatives, which is controlled by noted Trump superfan Nancy Pelosi. And it's a good thing Trump and his minions blanketed the media with B-roll of them shouting WE INTEND TO STOP THE COUNT AND THROW OUT ALL THE MAIL-IN BALLOTS. Uncharted territories, indeed!
Here on Planet Earth, that's just noise, totally unconnected from reality. Remember a little over a month ago when Li'l Meat Sweats promised an "Army for Trump" to stop Democrats from stealing the election with fraudulent votes?
Well, ProPublica's Jessica Huseman went looking for the promised fighting force, and SURPRISE, it's just as weak and flaccid as the rest of Trump's output.
Although there's no official data, election officials across the country say that they have seen relatively few Republican poll watchers during early voting, and that at times Democratic poll watchers have outnumbered the GOP's. In Colorado and Nevada, where the Trump campaign was particularly active in recruiting poll watchers, its efforts largely petered out.
Ah, well. When they're not skiing down a mountain of white powder, they probably realize Colorado and Nevada are not happening. How about in Georgia?
"I am receiving reports of a few thousand poll watchers from a variety of left-leaning groups. There are very few poll watchers from right-leaning groups," [deputy secretary of state Jordan Fuchs] said. "The Trump campaign is simply calling for additional poll watchers because they know there is a dearth of right-leaning poll watchers."
In Fayette County, home of Lexington, Republicans have submitted only seven names of challengers while Democrats have submitted 117. Don Blevins Jr., the clerk in the county, says he doesn't know how many will actually show up on Tuesday.
"Only in recent years have campaigns thought about doing this, and then rarely followed through," he said.
In Williamson County, Texas, a swing county just north of Austin, election administrator Christopher Davis said that the few poll watchers there were mostly sent by a local conservative activist who promotes unfounded claims of voter fraud. When the county opened up its central count office this past weekend to process mailed ballots, only one poll watcher showed. The watcher, Davis said, was from the Trump campaign and behaved according to the rules.
"Maybe we're just lucky in WilCo," Davis said.
Or ... maybe not.
Several Trump supporters in Arizona said they volunteered to be poll watchers, but there was no follow-up. "I actually signed up twice because I never heard from them. I never was contacted, and I signed up almost two months ago," said Lynne Berreman, who lives in Phoenix. "Hopefully it's because they already have enough people."
Hopefully! Keep your fingers crossed, Mrs. B.
The point is, let's not go psyching ourselves out that these guys have some kind of amazing plan ready to jujitsu this election. Because they don't. There is no Great and Terrible Oz. Pay attention to the little man behind the curtain!
There's a mountain of data at FiveThirtyEight to back up the site's 90 percent odds of a Biden win. And if poring over the polls makes you feel better, here have at it.
COLORADO Biden 54% (+13) Trump 41% WISCONSIN Biden 54% (+13) Trump 41% PENNSYLVANIA Biden 52% (+9) Trump 43% MIN… https://t.co/2cMktzksTf— Political Polls (@Political Polls)1604326286.0
But we don't recommend it. Take a walk, have a drink, call someone you haven't spoken to in a while to catch up. And we'll see you on the other side.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.