No Collusion! No Collusion! You Are The Laughably Obvious Collusion With Russia To Ratf*ck Another Election!

2020 presidential election
Giphy

When Russia sends its people to fuck with our elections, they really aren't sending their best. And they're certainly not recruiting our best either.

In today's episode of "Rudy Giuliani: International Dumbass" we find that US intelligence agencies have been watching our hero protagonist anti-hero fuckwit get conned by Putin's agents for an entire year now. Way back in December, before the impeachment, National Security Adviser Robert O'Brien tried to sit Trump down and 'splain him that Rudy's pals in Ukraine were all Russian spies.

The Washington Post reports:

The message was, "Do what you want to do, but your friend Rudy has been worked by Russian assets in Ukraine," this person said. Officials wanted "to protect the president from coming out and saying something stupid," particularly since he was facing impeachment over his own efforts to strong-arm Ukraine's president into investigating the Bidens.

But O'Brien emerged from the meeting uncertain whether he had gotten through to the president. Trump had "shrugged his shoulders" at O'Brien's warning, the former official said, and dismissed concern about his lawyer's activities by saying, "That's Rudy."

Safe bet that he hadn't gotten through. Not only because the president is a dedicated ignoramus, but because, as one source told the Post, "Whenever you talk to the president, no matter what your facts are, if you mention Russia, that's it — you've hit the third rail." The facts must yield to the president's insistence on living in a world where he won the election in 2016 without a major boost from his pal Pootie!


But let's just underline something, in case it gets lost in the LOL-ing at this idiotic laptop scheme Giuliani and Steve Bannon are pushing out via the New York Post right now.

One of the Trump impeachment team's main arguments in defense of Trump's "perfect, perfect phone call" was that maybe there really was something hinky going on with Joe and Hunter Biden in Ukraine, and thus it was perfectly natural for the president to withhold congressionally allocated defense funds to try to get an investigation going. Meanwhile, everyone in the White House and Justice Department and intel agencies knew damn well that it was just Rudy laundering Russian disinfo about Biden in Ukraine. They knew there was no there there. And yet they kept that little tidbit to themselves and swore exactly the opposite in the well of the Senate. Nice!

In fact, as Yahoo News contributor Luppe B. Luppen (aka @nycsouthpaw) points out, the DOJ seems to have created a special cul-de-sac for Rudy's Russian disinfo at the US Attorney's Office in Brooklyn. Or perhaps the better analogy is a "Roach Motel," in an attempt to check in whatever shit the Russian/Ukrainian spies were flogging and keep it from checking out and continuing its trip to the White House. Which appears to have been entirely ineffective, what with Giuliani still firmly ensconced in the colon of Trumpland like a malignant polyp.

The New York Times has confirmed the Post's reporting, and now NBC and CNN have gone one further, reporting that the FBI is investigating whether Rudy's latest caper with the laptops is part of a Russian interference operation. Which ... YEAH, NO SHIT IT IS, and an idiotic one at that.

We're supposed to believe that Hunter Biden, a California resident, got wasted and then flew to Delaware to drop off three laptops for repair, but never came back for them, even though they were full of incriminating info? And the blind repair shop guy noticed a Beau Biden Foundation sticker on one of the computers, so he copied the hard drive and turned it over to Bannon and Giuliani. And then somehow the FBI knew all the serial numbers of the computers and appeared with a subpoena for them in December. And despite the government having this trove of highly incriminating and totally genuine information, it never came out during the impeachment hearings. Then Rudy Giuliani, who has been palling around with literal Russian spies for two years now, magically produced it three weeks before the election?

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

So, as long as we're stating the obvious here, let's underline something else. The entire executive branch is pretty sure that these latest Hunter Biden emails Rudy pulled out of his ass are Russian fakes, planted as part of an attempt to ratfuck our elections again. If you assume the laptops exist and were actually seized back in December — and that they actually have the emails on them that the New York Post has put out there — then the feds have had these emails in their possession for almost a year now, which means they've been aware of this plot the entire time. But still Donald Trump and his campaign are flogging this shit as if it's real, despite the president's access to intelligence which likely proves that it's not.

And when Facebook and Twitter, likely tipped off by our own intelligence agencies, tried to stop the spread of this obvious Russian propaganda, the president and his allies screamed bloody murder at the illegal infringement on their right to disseminate disinformation via a Murdoch tabloid cutout. So now Trump's congressional allies like Josh Hawley and Ted Cruz — who receive classified briefings from the CIA, so they know damn well that Russia is using Rudy as a conduit — are threatening to rain fire down on social media platforms for refusing to participate in the ratfucking.

Well ...

Thank God it's Friday.

[Wapo / NBC / CNN]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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