'NO COLLUSION'? Not So Fast, A-Holes!

You would think that if Donald Trump was completely exonerated, he would be having the chillest fucking week of his presidency. He'd be tweeting, sure, but this is the week we would expect cat memes and the occasional highly inappropriate pornographic video of ladies doing inappropriate things with MAGA hats. The point is we'd expect him to be BREEZY. Instead he's been up tweeting this morning since 5:00 AM, and he does not seem BREEZY.

A sampling:

Wow! Wonder what's up his ass.

There are a bunch of little updates in the saga over FUCKING GIVE IT the Mueller report (the whole thing, the real one, signed by Bobby Three Sticks, without any kissy marks from Bill Barr). The thing they all have in common is that they kinda suggest that when we read the story Mueller wrote (not the one Bill Barr wrote, on his bed with a guitar at age 16 like a common Alanis Morrissette, ALLEGEDLY), we think we're gonna find some collusion between Trump people and Russians. Which would make sense, because Barr's letter -- that little old thing! -- doesn't actually say NO COLLUSION. It merely says that Mueller was unable to establish coordination or conspiracy between the Trump campaign and the Russian government in the hacky-leaky operation to fuck up the 2016 for Hillary Clinton and help Trump.

That's all it says. Nothing more.

It's How Many Pages Long, Mr. Fox News Idiot Judge? And You Think It's How Bad For Donald Trump?

Fox News Judge Andrew Napolitano is very bad at toeing the company line sometimes. It's like he just forgets to snort his daily dose of Sean Hannity's dried skin flakes (free samples in the Fox News green room, ALLEGEDLY) and tells the truth, and when it happens, it is like WHAT?

First of all, Napolitano revealed on the show that allegedly the Mueller report is over 700 pages long. Now, we don't know why he'd know that, or whether or not he is correct, but if he is, that is a long report. And it doesn't sound like a report that simply says NO COLLUSION over and over again. So unless Robert Mueller has written us a 700-page tome on all his best outdoor grilling recipes for summer, we think it's gonna be full of some really bad shit Donald Trump and his sycophants don't want us to see.

Andrew Napolitano thinks so too. Transcript viaDaily Beast:

Fox News' Judge Napolitano: 'There Is Something There' on Conspiracy in Mueller Reportwww.youtube.com

"We saw on Sunday a four-page summary of a 700-page report," the Fox analyst said. "The 700-page report is a summary of two million pages of documents, of raw evidence." [...]

"In the 700-page summary of the two million pages of raw evidence, there is undoubtedly some evidence of a conspiracy and some evidence of obstruction of justice, just not enough evidence—I'm thinking the way I believe Congressman [Adam] Schiff is thinking—according to Attorney General Barr, not enough evidence to prove it beyond a reasonable doubt, which is the standard."

Napolitano went on to note that if "there were no evidence of conspiracy and no evidence of obstruction, the attorney general would have told us so," adding that Barr didn't, so "there is something there" that Democrats and Trump opponents want to see. And they'll have a "field day" with it.

That is quite a lot of assertions, Judge! And by God, we think he's probably right! And that Adam Schiff is probably right!

See what we mean about Napolitano being so bad at reading the Fox News script sometimes? He is SUPPOSED to say "MUELLER CLEARED TRUMP!" He is SUPPOSED to say "TRUMP EXONERATED AND LIKE SUCH AS THEREFORE!" He is SUPPOSED to say they found the smoking gun, but instead of saying "BANG!" it said "NO COLLUSION!"

But he didn't, because those would all be dirty lies.

Meanwhile, House Judiciary Committee chairman Jerry Nadler had a call with Bill Barr yesterday -- a call that seemed to frustrate the shit out of Nadler, not least because Barr wouldn't commit to handing over the full report, WONDER WHAT HE'S TRYING TO HIDE! -- and reported back that it's "very substantial." When reporters pressed him, they seemed to nudge Nadler into revealing an estimate of a report that is more than 500 pages and fewer than 1000 pages. For the record, the New York Timessays it's "more than 300."

Point is, what Napolitano said about IT'S BIG squares with what Nadler says about IT'S BIG squares with what the Times says about IT'S BIG, which really makes us wonder how Bill Barr was able to read it all in under 48 hours and clear Trump on all charges of obstruction and figure out a way to whitewash the message that Mueller found a shitload of Trump-Russian collusion (allegedly!) but wasn't able to charge it as a conspiracy, fucking gross though it obviously is. (You know, assuming that's the message Mueller wanted conveyed.)

Mueller Grand Jury 'Continuing Robustly', WAIT WHAT?

Yesterday, we learned some very interesting news we'd been wondering about, since there seemed to be so many loose ends left when Robert Mueller turned his test in to Bill Barr, and it was WHAR ROBERT MUELLER'S BOXES GRAND JURY? Reporters staking out Mueller's office for the last 942 months had been saying the grand jury hadn't met in forever, but we wondered, were they correct about that, or were they Ken Dilanian about it? Is it possible Mueller had just moved the grand jury to a second location, or possibly to the garage?

We got an answer in a hearing related to Mueller's SECRET CASE, regarding a company-owned-by-a-country that is still refusing Mueller's subpoenas for financial information, even though the Supreme Court has told them to fuck off, and even though they are subject to fines of $50,000 per day for the privilege of resisting the subpoenas.

In a back and forth between the judge and government lawyers in DC related to disclosure of details about the case, the judge, Beryl Howell, asked if the grand jury is done, or is it "continuing robustly"? And the prosecutor, David Goodhand, confirmed that it is "CONTINUING ROBUSTLY." But if NO COLLUSION, why would they robustly continue a grand jury? And what else would that grand jury be continuing to robustly hear evidence about? And what exactly is so robust about it?

But that's not the only case out there. There's still Roger Stone's upcoming trial, which promises to be highly revelatory. There's still the trial in the Eastern District of Virginia of Michael Flynn's former associate Bijan Rafiekian, who was a member of the Trump transition team, who's going down for the same damn foreign agent shit Flynn did. As Law & Crime reminds us, there's still an active case against Concord Management (which is the Russian troll farm case) and there is the issue of Andrew Miller, a former Roger Stone aide who continues to believe he can just tell Mueller's subpoenas to get bent.

Oh yeah, and something seems to be happening with WikiLeaks in Virginia.

Our point is, there seem to be a lot of shoes let to drop here. Bill Barr wrote that Robert Mueller told him there are no more sealed indictments, but we suspected weasel words in that sentence, and we still do. There might be other stuff out there, cases Mueller handed off before he wrote his report, and so forth. We just don't know.

But, you know, NO COLLUSION.

What You Redactin' Over There, Big Boy?

Here is a disturbing tweet about the attorney general of the United States:

Classified "and other" information. EXCUSE US? Are we taking Wite-Out to Trump crimes, is that what we are doing, Bill Barr?

Now, "and other" could mean things that are legit. For instance, grand jury testimony, by law, is supposed to be secret (though there are workarounds, like they found in Watergate). Barr has said he's super concerned about protecting the "reputation" of "innocent" people, to which we reply that literally nothing in this whole entire world could make us think less of folks like Donald Trump Jr. than we already do, and most American people feel the same way, so let's dispense with the fucking decorum, OK?

But what else is he trying to hide?

We are just curious.

One More Thing!

One more thing! Keep your eye out for Republican assholes with talking points, hitting the news to argue that they just really love transparency and want the Mueller report released, except for WELL SHUCKS, they don't think it should be, because here is why. There's going to be a lot of this in the next couple weeks, probably because they don't want Democrats to be embarrassed when we see just how little collusion between Trump and Russia there really is/was. (You betcha.)

Here's Rand Paul telling us why he doesn't think the Mueller report should be released, because sure, let's end this post on a sour note:


Is it a bunch of collusion that doesn't rise to the level of a conspiracy provable beyond a shadow of a doubt, but is nonetheless absolutely disgusting and reveals what a joke Trump's "election" really was? We are just going to assume it is, until Bill Barr GIVES US THE WHOLE FUCKING THING and proves us wrong.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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