Rudy Giuliani is mad as hell, and he's not going to take it any more. In a screaming 17-page letter to US District Court Judge J. Paul Oetken, Rudy and his lawyers demand that the court put off the review of materials seized during the April 28 raid of his home and office so that these legal eagles can first litigate the secret warrants that allowed the government to seize his electronic communications from Apple and Google in 2019. Careful with that link, kids, the spittle fairly rises off the page to baptize you with bile!

In a show of DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO I AM that would make Meghan McCain blush, Giuliani howls at length about the injustice of a man of his stature being treated like a common criminal.

"Unfortunately for Giuliani, and even more unfortunately for the attorney-client privilege and executive deliberation privilege, and the public's perception that those privileges are real, the SDNY simply chose to treat a distinguished lawyer as if he was the head of a drug cartel or a terrorist, in order to create maximum prejudicial coverage of both Giuliani, and his most well known client – the former President of the United States," huffs the man who pioneered the use of the perp walk for accused white collar criminals.

There's the requisite noise about Hunter Biden's laptop, along with an attempt to prove that Giuliani wasn't lobbying on behalf of foreign agents from Ukraine, by repeatedly referring to all the times Giuliani approached United States government officials to lobby them about Ukraine. Which may or may not be exactly the PWN he thinks it is.

How could Rudy be lobbying on behalf of foreigners when he marched right in the front door of the State Department and tried to get our ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch, fired in accordance with Ukrainian prosecutor Yuriy Lutsenko's wishes? And what about Rudy's cooperation with deputy US Attorney Scott Brady in the Western District of Pennsylvania, whom Bill Barr seems to have assigned to babysit the president's lawyer as he drove around in a cul-de-sac spinning his wheels about Ukraine?

Reading this rancid pile of goat entrails, Giuliani seems to be claiming that the government lied to the judge who approved the initial application for a secret warrant for his communications. As proof, Rudy cites the years-long campaign he coordinated with shady Ukrainian figures who are now on the Treasury Department's sanctions list for efforts to interfere with the 2020 election.

It's a bold strategy, Cotton!

The histrionics continue at length, with Giuliani demanding to know whether the judge who approved the April 28 warrant was told that Bill Barr and his successor Jeffrey Rosen blocked earlier efforts by SDNY to conduct similar searches, as if internal DOJ deliberations are something prosecutors are obliged to disclose.

Then the guy whose pals at the New York FBI field office sure did seem to be leaking a raft of shit about Hillary Clinton to him in the lead-up to the 2016 election accuses SDNY of leaking to Rep. Adam Schiff — arrest this man for the murder of irony! — and demands that the underlying affidavits for the first warrant be released so that he can test this theory. (Please don't waste a lot of time trying to make that make sense.)

Rudy Giuliani, the same man who defied a House subpoena and refused to answer any questions about his work in Ukraine -- because PRIVILEGE! -- insists that all the government had to do was ask him if he was lobbying on behalf of a foreign government, and he'd have told them anything that wasn't privileged. (In his version of privilege, we thiiiiiink that entails giving the finger to investigators while simultaneously going on Hannity to scream nonsense.)

"The search of an attorney's office should be done rarely and only under extraordinary circumstances. Otherwise, such high profile and heavily publicized searches such as those of President Trump's attorneys will just continue to erode and finally extinguish citizen reliance that communications for legal advice are really seriously protected," he spews.

Think of the public!

This argument is echoed by hairball lawyer Victoria Toensing, who filed a substantially less wacko request asking for substantially the same thing. Instead of having the data sorted by a special magistrate, she wants the government to give her back her phone and issue her a subpoena for documents, after which she'll hand over anything she thinks isn't privileged. And if you can't trust someone who set up shop in the back room of the Trump hotel to run a disinformation campaign using dubious foreign intelligence to target a presidential candidate, who can you trust?

Meanwhile, the Daily Beast reports that Rudy is still convinced that any minute now Daddy Trump will swoop in to save the day. It's not clear whether the rescue will come in the form of a public announcement that everything Rudy did was 100 percent legal work for Trump, or a motion to assert attorney-client privilege over the documents seized in the search (as he did with Michael Cohen), or possibly just a good, old-fashioned infusion of cash to pay Rudy's lawyers. Maybe all three!

But if Rudy's waiting on Trump to stick his neck out and suddenly claim ownership of every hinky thing Rudy did when he was gallivanting all over Eastern Europe rolling around with Russian agents, he probably shouldn't hold his breath. On the other hand, the former president can raise infinity dollars for his "legal defense," so maybe he'll be willing to throw some of that funny money at this case.

The important thing is to stay positive, Roods! Chin up, little fella. And keep that shirt fully tucked!


[Giuliani Letter / Daily Beast]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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