NO CUSSING! Your F*cking Democratic Debate Liveblog

Oh well, Beto might not be allowed to cuss -- and no "F" or "B" or "C" words from you either, Andrew Yang! -- but Wonkette is. And why? Because we're only like 100 debates into this campaign season and we're already bored with every debate ever. So fuckin' whatever.

Here's a fucking livestream:

Democratic Debate 2019: WATCH LIVE Third 2020 Democratic Presidential Debate from Houston | ABC

And here's a fucking liveblog:

7:58: If this is anything like the CNN debates, the first 800 minutes won't matter because the moderators will be getting off on listening to themselves speak, so go take a break for 800 minutes if you want.

8:01: Want to hear a more interesting story than "debate"? This afternoon we took a nap on the couch with HGTV on, and we ended up having a dream that we were at Christina's house (post-divorce from Tarek, obv) and we got attacked by a wild goat and she didn't save us, fucking Christina, isn't that always the way.

OK back to the "thrilling" debate.

8:04: Andrew Yang's opening statement is "gIvE yOu $1200o0 tHoSanD dOllaRs."

LOL, shut up, fucking dork, unless I am one of the families, in which case I'M BANGIN' FOR YANGIN', or whatever his slogan is.

Anyway, there are some opening statements happening, they are just great.

8:08: Beto's opening statement was FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK, unless it wasn't, dunno, our dinner arrived and we had to go to the door and get it.

8:10: Andrew Yang has officially offered to bribe everyone, but you have to audition to be one of the families at his website. Sorry, we are a very clever writer, and we have this in the bag.

Anyway, everybody is laughing at Yang's bribe.

8:11: Pete's opener: I am sane and not giving you a million dollars LOL sorry.

Kamala Harris opens by taking it directly to Donald Trump, which, FACTCHECK, is what this is actually about.

"The only reason you haven't been indicted is there's a memo in the Department of Justice that says you can't be charged with a crime."

8:13: "And now, President Trump, you can go back to watching Fox News."

And the crowd goes wild.

LOL Bernie had to follow that. "I! Would also! Like to take the fight! To Donald Trump!" Or somethin', dunno.

8:16: All the rest of the opening statements were boring, Kamala Harris wins the "opening statement" competition.

8:17: Question! Joe Biden, why do Warren and Sanders want to murder Obamacare and make you sad? Biden says something stupid about how Warren is "for Bernie," well he's "for Barack," uh huh OK.

8:19: Next question! Elizabeth Warren, tell Joe Biden why he is wrong and bad.

Says we all owe a debt to Obama for changing healthcare, but now we have to keep fixing the problems. How do we pay for it? Says burden will be shouldered by Richie Riches at the top, then pivots to real stuff people deal with, like being told they can't see their preferred doctors because they're not "in network," blah blah blah, all that bullshit.

Now to Bernie Sanders, who responds to Biden saying Medicare For All will cost $30 billion, notes that the status quo will cost $50 billion.

Also Bernie said a cuss: "I wrote the damn bill!" Bernie broke the cuss rule, Bernie broke the cuss rule!

8:25: Warren: "I've never met anybody who likes their health insurance company!" This is true. What people like is their doctors, and they like the security of knowing they can go to get whatever healthcare they need, whenever they need it, wherever they want. It's a distinction with a difference.

8:26: Ooh, zinger from Klobuchar! "Bernie mighta WROTE the bill, but I READ the bill!" Nailing him over people losing their private insurance, etc.

Warren clarifies to say people will have access to WHATEVER, nobody will lose private insurance, etc.

Love all these arguments, but literally none of these people's exact plans is actually going to become law, no matter which of them gets elected.

BUTTIGIEG: The problem with the "damn bill" Bernie wrote is that it doesn't trust Americans to make their own choices on what kind of healthcare they want.


8:29: QUESTION: Kamala, you used to love Bernie's Medicare For All bill, why you hate Bernie's face now?

HARRIS: We need to give Obama credit for getting us here. We need to give Bernie credit for pushing Medicare For All. That's why I decided to make both of their plans better!

And then she says literally everybody up there wants to fix healthcare and pivots to how Trump has spent his presidency trying to take away people's healthcare. Clearly, her strategy is to debate Trump on this stage, while the other fuckers fight.

"This discussion is giving the American people a headache." TRUE FACT, KAMALA HARRIS.

8:35: George Snuffalupagus like "oh yeah, there's like nine other people on this stage. OK, everybody else has ELEVEN SECONDS to say something about healthcare."

That leads to BIG ZING FIGHT between Julian Castro and Joe Biden! Castro says people won't have to buy in to his plan like you will with Biden's. Biden says he didn't say that. Castro says "DID YOU FORGET WHAT YOU SAID TWO MINUTES AGO?" (Because Joe Biden is a "forgetful.") Then Castro says HE is the one living up to Obama's legacy, NOT BIDEN.

Damn! Big zings!

Pete Buttigieg says all this shit is why Democratic debates are becoming unwatchable, and Castro responds that "Um, it is called an election, Stupid Pete," and Amy Klobuchar says something about "a house divided cannot stand."

Now Andrew Yang is telling everybody to look under their seat, where they might find tHoSanD dOllArS!

8:40: Forty minutes on healthcare, zero was accomplished.

Now we move on to racism. Beto O'Rourke gets to go first.

8:42: O'Rourke goes through a laundry list of racial discrimination and inequality, says he's going to sign a damn reparations bill and says we have a fucking white supremacist in the White House. Factcheck: TRUE. Also, Beto did not say "fuck" right there, so nobody has to give him a spanking, unless they're into that, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Cory Booker says nobody gets a gold star just for calling Trump a racist, big deal, no shit.

8:44: Question: Pete Buttigieg, are you worried you are alienating racists when you say people who vote for Trump are "at best looking the other way," regarding his racism? Yes, that was really kind of the question right there.

8:46: We will say that Julian Castro and Beto O'Rourke were both very awesome on this question. MAYBE ONE OF THEM SHOULD RUN FOR THE SENATE.

Anyway, time to talk about criminal justice reform, so kAmAlA is A cOp!!!1!11!!!!!!11111ghazi!!11!!!!seriouspoliticalcommentatorstatement!!1!!

And the question to Harris was "hey, you are for legalizing marijuana and all kindsa other good stuff now, WHY DIDN'T YOU SUPPORT THOSE THINGS WHEN YOU WERE ACTUALLY IN POWER?" It was a dickish question, but Harris is defending her record ably. "Was I able to get enough done? Absolutely not."

8:49: Question: Amy Klobuchar, you are also a cop. (Lists some bad things about Klobuchar's record when she was a prosecutor.)

Klobuchar: Says "That's not my record" and proceeds to explain her record on racial issues as a prosecutor.

8:51: Biden saying very good things about how when you've done your time, you need to have the full rights and opportunities of somebody who has done their damn time. It was a good answer. This is actually a quality conversation, and the candidates aren't really fighting, of course they'll probably start fighting now that we just said that.

8:54: OK, that's enough on criminal justice reform. Let's talk about mass shootings.

QUESTION: Joe Biden, you always says you can reach around the aisle so much, why couldn't you get a gun control bill passed after Sandy Hook?

BIDEN: What a movement Sandy Hook created! Young people marching on Washington! Everybody hates the NRA! Everybody wants to ban assault weapons! His point is "THINGS HAVE CHANGED." Also giving props to Beto O'Rourke for how he handled El Paso after the mass shooting.

Anyway, Biden didn't answer the gotcha question.

QUESTION: Kamala Harris, why is Joe Biden wrong when he says you're not allowed to use executive orders to do president stuff?

HARRIS: Hey Joe, instead of saying no we can't, let's say YES SHE CAN! (Harris could have delivered that line better.)

BIDEN: Let's be constitutional!

(We are pretty sure Kamala Harris, A LAWYER, will make sure what she does is constitutional, JOE.)

Now she is pivoting to #VerySerious, saying she's seen more autopsy photos than you can imagine, how kids literally go to school to do shooter drills, that is effing insane. Also says, "Beto, GOD LOVE YOU!" for being so awesome after El Paso. They are all loving on him right now.

And on Trump's responsibility for mass shootings: "Obviously he didn't pull the trigger, but he's been tweetin' out the ammunition!"

9:02: BETO: "Hell yes, we're gonna take your AR-15, your AK-47s!" Says he went to the gun show in Conway, Arkansas, and said he met tons of people who would gladly give them the fuck up.

9:07: Hot take, 10 people on a stage is too many. Warren and Sanders are literally raising their hands like "CAN WE TALK? IT'S BEEN A MINUTE."

9:08: Elizabeth Warren finally got to say words on guns! All of them are good, but what matters is that she's actually saying we have to GET RID OF THE FUCKING FILIBUSTER, JOE BIDEN AND BERNIE SANDERS.

She is correct.

Bernie reaffirms that he does not support getting rid of filibuster. He will pass it all in budget bills, though legislative hokey pokey.

9:10: Are they ever going to take a commercial break? We would like to get up for a moment.

Anyway, immigration! Did Joe Biden and Barack Obama make mistakes with deportations? Joe Biden says it is just not fair to compare their administration to Donald Trump, which is an understatement. Obama was not great on deportations, though!

9:13: CASTRO: Agrees it is unfair to compare Obama to Trump, who has a "dark heart" when it comes to immigrants. But now is attacking Biden, saying Biden takes credit for the Obama administration when it's a good thing, but runs away when it's a bad thing. This is a pretty valid criticism of Biden.

9:15: Let's check in with VERY SERIOUS PROGRESSIVE JOURNALISM PERSON Michael Tracey!

Hooray, we have now checked in with VERY SERIOUS PROGRESSIVE JOURNALISM PERSON Michael Tracey!

9:19: QUESTION: Pete Buttigieg, are Trump's supporters a big basket of deplorables?

PETE: Anybody who supports his deplorable bigotry is a deplorable.

(The word "deplorable" was not said, we just like reminding everybody of that time Hillary Clinton was correct about everything at all times.)

9:22: Finally, a damn commercial break! Beto just said a great Immigration speech, including a Spanish sentence, and BRB.

9:28: VIEWER QUESTIONS! Will you repeal Trump's stupid tariffs?

YANG: Says he will not, says we need to make a deal, pivots to some bullshit.

PETE, talking about China: "Trump has no strategy." Tells joke about Trump saying he'd like to see Mayor Pete do a deal with President Xi of China. Pete says he'd like to see TRUMP make a deal with Xi! Zing!

9:34: Warren gets to talk again, this time about what Obama got wrong with the TPP. Warren says our trade policy has been broken for all time, because it only benefits the bigwigs and the oligarchs. She wants to have EVERYBODY at the table. And what do you use as leverage? "The leverage? Are you KIDDING? Everybody wants access to the American market!" Says we can use THAT to push countries to not treat their workers like shit and build our own economy and other stuff, also too.

9:38: Harris's answer on Trump's trade policy is that he conducts it with his "fragile ego," and that he reminds her of that guy in The Wizard Of Oz, where you pull back the curtain and turns out there's just a really "small dude" back there.

We THIIIIIINK that was a dick joke!

Speaking of, WONKETTE POLL: Do dicks look like lighthouses, OR DO LIGHTHOUSES LOOK LIKE DICKS?

9:41: We must point out to the Kamala team, and we know at least one of you will read this, but the "guy from Wizard Of Oz" is named "The Wizard Of Oz."

9:42: Oh good, time for 12 seconds of foreign policy, like THAT even matters. (We say bitterly.)

Will you bring troops home from Afghanistan without a Taliban deal?

WARREN: Yes. Period. What we are doing in Afghanistan is not something we can solve militarily. What we are doing is dumb as shit, and we need to be working with our allies, etc., and so on. One of the best things about Warren is that she really knows what the fuck she is talking about, no matter what she is talking about.

9:45: Question: Pete Buttigieg, you know everybody about foreign policy. Say Afghanistan things.

BUTTIGIEG: You could officially, today, on September 12, 2019, and be old enough to serve, and have not been born on 9/11. That is INSANE.

Says will go back to days when Congress has to authorize war, because if troops have the courage to go to war, Congress should have courage to take a damn vote on whether they should be there. Also decries (decries! we are bored so we are thinking of expensive words now) Trump using troops as props.

9:52: Y'all, we are sorry, but both Bernie and Joe are coming across as OOOOOOOLD tonight. Joe Biden went through an answer on Afghanistan and Iraq that ... had good parts? ... but then rest of it just seemed like babble. Then it was Bernie's turn to respond and this was his face:

Can everybody just step aside and let Warren, Harris, Beto, Castro, Booker and Buttigieg be president? Thanks.

9:55: Bernie, why is your socialism different from Venezuela and Cuba and Nicaragua socialism? In other words, PLEASE EXPLAIN what the hell Democratic socialism is for people who don't understand.

BERNIE: Think Canada and Scandinavia. Healthcare! Fair wages! Paid family and medical leave! Fuck the millionaires and billioniares!

9:57: Cory Booker, are you going to steal everybody's meat and make them a yucky vegan like you? (Yes, that was the tone of the stupid question.)

Booker answers in Spanish: "NO." Everybody laughed, which in Spanish is "jajajajajajaja."

10:00: OK, pretty sure the moderator just asked something like "what is the ONE thing you will do to fix climate change," which is ... just a really bad question? Maybe we misheard. We hope we misheard. We hope we hallucinated that on account of our devastating boredom watching this debate. Maybe we are having waking dreams now. Maybe!

10:05: Kamala Harris just ignored the moderator telling her to STFU for like a whole minute because she was talking about how she knows how to fix climate change, because remember how the sky in LA used to be brown? Well it's blue now, THANKS KAMALA.

10:07: Andrew Yang, tell us about education.

YANG: I wasn't there for my kid to start school last week because I was running for president. (ONE HUNDRED MINUTE PAUSE.) Anyway! What was I saying? Oh yeah! I like good schools! And teachers!

10:08: Pete Buttigieg, tell us about education.

BUTTIGIEG: Betsy DeVos is a fucking dick.

10:09: Elizabeth Warren, tell us about education.

WARREN: Pretty sure I'm the only person up here who's been a teacher! Also, I agree that Betsy DeVos is a fucking dick.

10:12: Everybody is now ignoring the time clock, because fuck the time clock, these are bad moderators and they should feel bad. Kamala Harris started it, like she does. Anyway, she said some awesome things about HBCUs, as a graduate of one, and about how black kids have more opportunities if they have black teachers, etc.

Bernie Sanders begins his answer on education by saying "GUESS WHAT!" And then he stopped, so people could guess. "You're guessing!" said Bernie, who was probably correct that people were trying to guess.

10:15: Joe Biden, you said a kinda racist thing 44 years ago. Care to respond to it?

He did respond, and it was a decent response, and the moderator tried to cut him off, and he said NOPE, GONNA KEEP GOING LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE DOES, NO MORE RULES FOR OLD HANDSOME JOE, WHO IS PISSED OFF!

Castro, responding to Joe Biden: Wow, that was quite a lot of things that just fell out of Joe Biden's mouth! Anyway, he also said it's bullshit that charter schools are better than public schools, and he is correct about that, because fuck charter schools.

10:20: Is it time for another commercial? YES IT IS!

10:26: Final round of questions! It is what's the biggest time you fucked up or had a professional setback, what did you learn, and how did you get better at not fucking up?


10:28: Anyway.

BIDEN: Tells his story about the loss he's experienced, and how he's dealt with that and risen above it.

WARREN: She was very tough but fair with the dollies she lined up when she was a kid who wanted to be a teacher. Tells story of how in her first year as a special needs teacher, she got pregnant and got fired, because that's how things used to be. Went to law school! Was lawyer for "about 45 minutes." And the rest is history! She fought back!

10:31: SANDERS: Resilience to me is taking on all the special interests I always take on all the time!

Nobody remembers the fucking question anymore, and we don't blame them.

10:32: HARRIS: Actually remembers the question, sort of. Has always been told that everything she's ever gone for, people tell her she's not the one people are looking for, has been the first black woman to do a lot of things. "It's not your time, they're not ready for you." She ain't give a shit.

BUTTIGIEG: Tells story of serving in military under Don't Ask Don't Tell, and being a closeted mayor in a state controlled by Vice President Who Calls His Wife "Mother." So, his story of what he thought was going to be his professional setback was when he came out, and turns out he got re-elected with 80 percent of the vote.

YANG: One time I had tHoSanD dOlllArS and then I lost it and that was a setback but then I found it and I had tHoSanD dOlllArS again.

Just kidding, Andrew Yang hasn't gone yet.

10:37: Oh wait, our bullshit joke about Andrew Yang's response wasn't that far off.

BOOKER: Booker says if you're going to have a big professional setback, you should have a documentary team shooting the footage, which you can see in the Oscar-nominated movie Street Fight.

10:39: BETO: The question is about professional setbacks, but fuck it, he's going to talk about El Paso more, and how Dnald Trump helped that mass murder happen. Don't like it? Then maybe Beto will say "FUCK" and you'll have to deal with it.

10:41: KLOBUCHAR: Story about the difficulties she dealt with as a new mother with a baby who was born with a rare illness, and what she did with that.

CASTRO: I am going to tell a story about being on San Antonio city council that is probably very nice and important, something about building a golf course on top of an aquifer, but his law job was FOR the deal and he NEEDED THE MONEY (get $1,000 from Yang!), but anyway he quit his job and voted against the deal. Good story, Castro!

10:46: Oh thank God, it is over. Lovelies, we love you! If you love these liveblogs and if you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE FINANCIALLY, because we are only funded by you! The buttons are below! Give us money!

Good night!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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