No Vaccine Is Available For Whatever Infected Candace Owens’s Brain

Candace Owens is dumb as a bag of hair. That's normally not a crime, but we're not living in normal times. During a global pandemic, performative stupidity can prove a public health risk. Owens -- who we stress again is really dumb -- was locked out of her Twitter account after she recommended Michigan residents endanger themselves and others to own the “libs."


Last week, Owens had also tweeted that under no circumstances would she take a COVID-19 vaccine. (Stop! Don't! Come back!) She's promoted anti-vaxxer nonsense way back in the good old days when we left our homes, but now she claims a coronavirus vaccine is the likely result of Bill and Melinda Gates experimenting on African tribal children. Diamond and Silk also tried to convince the five or so black people who listen to them that they shouldn't trust a potential vaccine. This goes beyond claiming white supremacy doesn't exist or that Democrats are the real racists. We're all bored in quarantine but we still don't have time for a dangerously misinformed COVID-19 minstrel act.

Owens released a statement to the Gateway Pundit, and it seems appropriate that the stupidest woman on the Internet should commiserate with the stupidest man on the Internet. It's like a Hallmark movie except she's married and he's gay, and Hallmark rejected all my spec scripts with that premise. The Gateway Pundit described Owens as a "conservative superstar," which she is not. She couldn't get booked to tap dance at an abandoned mall.

OWENS: Twitter has locked me out of my account but has decided to omit which of their policies I have violated. Apparently, encouraging citizens to go to work is a violation, but Alexandria Ocasión Cortez encouraging workers to boycott and protest is not.

Courtesy of the 13th Amendment, the government can't force people to work, so Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez isn't advocating that people break the law. Twitter rightly took issue with Owens using its platform to promote the violation of Whitmer's legal executive order, which is intended to keep people alive -- including those too stupid to come in out of the coronavirus.

Twitter clearly states that you can't use its "service for any unlawful purpose or in furtherance of illegal activities." Re-opening that hair salon in Kalamazoo right now is illegal. Conservatives are currently co-opting the civil disobedience they normally repudiated, but it's one -- very stupid -- thing to have a COVID-19 party in your own home. It's quite another to resume dine-in service at a restaurant when medical experts and your elected leaders agree that this will make a lot of people sick. Restaurants in particular are shut down for health violations, and tainted meat can only infect the people who consume it, not everyone they might encounter over the next two weeks.

Owens suggests that the police think Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer is “crazy" and that they wouldn't enforce her executive order. Sure, the police can't arrest everyone in the state, but they can also arrest quite a few to make their point. Owens is encouraging a throw down with the police. How does she think that would end? Fortunately, no black person in Michigan is dumb enough to take her advice.

OWENS: I stand by my statement about Governor Whitmer acting as a dictator.

Gretchen Whitmer isn't a dictator or a queen. She is acting within her rights as governor during a state of emergency. We've been over this.

OWENS: Both the Sherriff Departments and the citizens, and the state legislature of Michigan are in agreement with me.

Those are more lies. Michiganders support Whitmer's COVID-19 response. Republicans -- who dominate the state legislature -- might disagree, but that doesn't mean the state is ready to overthrow Dictator Whitmer.

OWENS: I will not kowtow to a socialist world order that seeks to limit my constitutional freedom of speech.

No one has limited Owens's “constitutional freedom of speech." The government didn't arrest her on charges of aggravated dumbness. However, she has no right to Twitter's platform and audience. America is ideally a marketplace of ideas, but Owens offers no ideas that are worth more than fermented toe jam.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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