No Virus No Virus
Ho. Lee. Shit.
Well, it's finally happened. President Trump and the First Lady joined the 7.3 million Americans who have tested positive for the coronavirus. After months of downplaying the danger, and promising we'd turned the corner, and bullying the nation's governors to open up the schools, and telling us all to drink bleach, and blaming Democratic governors for their own sick citizens, and making fun of Joe Biden for wearing a mask, and shitting all over his own experts, and deliberately depriving Americans of accurate public health information ... the president and his wife have finally tested positive for COVID-19.
It was probably inevitable. That jackass has been flying around the country, refusing to wear a mask, and claiming it was fine to stand close to him because he gets tested constantly. It's amazing it didn't happen sooner, frankly.
Oh, does that sound churlish? Sorry, not sorry! Just two days before revealing to the world that he was carrying a highly communicable disease, this feckless wastrel's entire family refused to wear masks — in violation of the law! — as they crowded into an indoor venue with the entire Democratic campaign team to watch their father scream inanities at Joe Biden from a few feet away.
Hope Hicks, who is constantly by Trump's side, tested positive on Wednesday after returning from a MAGA rally with the presidential entourage in Minnesota. Minnesota! In the midst of a viral pandemic, they all hopped on to a plane with a bunch of reporters and breathed in each other's exhalations for hours on end, just to visit a state where Joe Biden is NINE POINTS AHEAD.
And still, even after Hicks tested positive, the rest of the team hopped on a plane yesterday to press the flesh at a fundraising speech and intimate roundtable with donors in New Jersey. So while we never wish sickness or harm on another human being, we're having a difficult time channeling our better angels for people who were so arrogantly reckless with the health of every single person they came into contact with.
And they came into contact with a lot of people. Here's a graphic helpfully compiled by MSNBC before Trump's announcement just of people who were on the plane with Hope Hicks.
NBD, just the entire senior campaign staff, that wax figurine who inexplicably runs the White House, a member of Congress, the White House spokesditz, the asshole who's been chaperoning the SCOTUS nominee around the Senate, Nosferatu, and that rancid little immigrant-bashing weenus.
How many additional people came into contact with Hicks, Trump, and Melania in the past week? It could be half of Washington!
Trump has canceled all scheduled campaign appearances, and his minions at Fox are currently suggesting that Biden do the same. (Haha, eat shit.) Whether this impacts the timeline for Amy Coney Barrett's confirmation hearing likely depends on exactly how much of DC has to go into quarantine thanks to Commander Superspreader.
Fox is reporting that Meadows has tested negative. But Fox is also reporting, via the president's former physician Ronny Jackson, that the president has no comorbidities so he'll probably shrug this whole thing off without even developing symptoms.
[Edit: OMG ASYMPTOTIC COMORBITIES!]
1/2: Our President and First Lady have tested positive for COVID-19, however, rest assured they are both fine and c… https://t.co/sCDDLr2WdO— Ronny Jackson (@Ronny Jackson) 1601627489.0
Which makes complete sense if you shut your eyes and imagine the president as a healthy young stallion with 8 percent body fat, rather than an obese 74-year-old who golfs for "exercise" and wouldn't eat a salad if it was deep fried and dipped in Velveeta.
But we sure as hell hope Dr. Ronny the Candy Man is right, because it is really bloody dangerous for democracy when the president's health becomes an issue during an election. Here's a nice splainer from election law expert Rick Hasen on what happens if a candidate dies. The answer is, the parties choose a successor. Or at least, that's what the answer should be. But we currently have eight Supreme Court Justices, a divided Congress, a Republican Party that has collapsed in on its leader like a black hole absorbing all light, millions of votes already cast, and a heavily armed population that is freaking the fuck out. We really don't need another thing!
So, God willing, this asshole will get better! Then we can beat him fair and square and have an orderly transition of power. Let the GOP understand that they didn't get spanked on a technicality — the country really, really hates what they've allowed themselves to become.
Because these people have already stolen enough from us. They've taken our time, and our peace of mind, and our friendships, and our faith that we live in an orderly, democratic country of good and decent people. For four years we've endured daily chaos and bullying and degradation and humiliation. And now through their own pig ignorant carelessness these amoral ghouls have plunged the country even deeper into uncertainty by risking their own lives and the lives of thousands of people who come into contact with them.
And for what? For an election they were probably always going to lose because they couldn't be bothered to lift a finger to keep the country safe?
So, best wishes for a speedy recovery, honestly, we mean it. Get well soon, you country-ruining son of a bitch. Get well, and get back here and finish what you started. You owe us that much.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.