No, Wayfair's Industrial Storage Units Do Not Come With Bonus Mole Children

Conspiracy Theories

The Wayfair comms team must be having a hell of a day today today, as conspiracy theorists have launched a bizarre theory that the reason some industrial storage units for sale on their website are so expensive is because there are children inside of them.

SPOILER: There are not children inside of them.

This all started yesterday, when Reddit user PrincessPeach1987 posted a query to r/conspiracy wondering if it were possible that some very expensive storage units on Wayfair were a cover for a child trafficking operation. Just a normal question anyone would ask!

"Is it possible Wayfair involved in Human trafficking with their WFX Utility collection? Or are these just extremely overpriced cabinets? (Note the names of the cabinets) this makes me sick to my stomach if it's true :("

Since then, this stupid question by a random person on Reddit has morphed into an absolute fact for the tin foil hat brigade on Twitter, and — like any good game of telephone — it has taken on a life and mythology of its own. One which somehow involves actor Tom Hanks, because sure, why not.

The "evidence" here is that the storage cabinets by WFX Utility are very expensive, up to $15,000, and their product names are all female names. And yes, for most people that would be very flimsy evidence — or more accurately, absolutely zero evidence of anything. But these are internet conspiracy people and they'll believe pretty much anything.

Several of the believers even went so far as to look up whether or not girls with the same names as these cabinets lined up with girls who were missing. And because there really are so many children who go missing every year, they had some luck. Except one of the girls they believed was in one of these storage cabinets was no longer "missing." The very surprised girl did a video (not from a Wayfair storage unit) expressing her displeasure at a bunch of strangers on the internet claiming she was a part of a sex trafficking ring.

Said strangers were very mad at her for being so rude. After all, they were just concerned for her welfare and that maybe she was trapped in a very expensive storage cabinet being sold on Wayfair.com.

One even suggested that maybe she is a clone, because that's where we're at now with this crap. It is actually more plausible to someone that this girl is a clone than that they are wrong.

In reality, the exorbitant prices on the storage cabinets were not, as one might assume, a price glitch or a mistake (or a way of doing child sex trafficking), but rather the actual price of those storage cabinets. Wonkette reached out to Wayfair and they explained the situation:

There is, of course, no truth to these claims. The products in question are industrial grade cabinets that are accurately priced. Recognizing that the photos and descriptions provided by the supplier did not adequately explain the high price point, we temporarily removed the products from site to rename them and provide a more in-depth description and photos that accurately depict the product to clarify the price point.

Fair! I don't know how much industrial grade cabinets are supposed to cost, but according to a cachéd image of the listing, one of these units weighed 1200 lbs, which seems to justify the high price point.

You know what else costs $15,000? An Hermes Constance Long Wallet in crocodile leather. And you could not fit a mole child in there if you tried.

The thing I'm gonna have to point out here, however, is that these industrial storage units are also on sale. So in order to believe this is true, you would have to not only believe that $10-15K gets you a 1200 lb storage unit and a child sex slave ... but that they could not sell these things at full retail price, so they had to discount them. That just does not seem plausible.

What seems even less plausible is what they claim is Tom Hanks's role in all of this.

To give you some background, there is a girl on Twitter, Sara Ruth Ashcraft, who claims to have had recovered memories of her parents being involved in a several-thousand-year-old cult called the Hivites, who control the whole entire world. Naturally! One of her recovered memories is of being sold as a child sex slave to actor Tom Hanks at the age of 13. There's a lot that's wrong with this, starting with the fact that if her parents were involved with this world-controlling cult, they would probably be able to procure other children for the purpose of being sex robots to Hollywood celebrities, rather than having to brainwash their own. Like, were this a real thing, she would probably be a Hivite princess.

Oh! Also it's completely freaking bonkers and not at all true and it's actually very sad that so many people are encouraging this poor girl on the internet when she very clearly has some serious issues and needs help. Like the storage cabinets, it doesn't matter that there is no evidence for this outside of the recovered memories of one person, because people have accepted it as gospel and now every time Tom Hanks is mentioned on the internet, they go absolutely friggin' bonkers.

Anyway! Tom Hanks likes to tweet pictures of single gloves and other odd things he finds on the sidewalk, because he's whimsical like that. One time, he tweeted a picture of a glove on the street next to the initials "SRC USA." "This must mean something!" the geniuses decided, and one of them did an image search on a search engine called Yandex and posted the results, which showed a bunch of pictures of children — thus confirming, to these people, that Tom Hanks is involved in child sex trafficking. These things can never be doctored.

I did the same thing today and got this, which I suppose means that Tom Hanks is sex trafficking military guys and also American flags?

So one of these people looked up the sku number of one of the storage units and found that pictures of children come up, which to them signifies that this whole storage unit thing is a plot orchestrated by the star of Forrest Gump.

Clearly, these people will believe any story they are told and turn it into a whole mythology. I, for one, am still not over the fact that the basis of this whole conspiracy comes from people thinking "Eh, I'm not so sure that Italian people talk about food that much." We have to figure out a way to use this to our advantage. I don't know how, I don't know what, but we gotta come up with something. It's too easy.

OPEN THREAD.

[Reddit]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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