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Oh, dear readers, were you thinking you were going to get a liveblog of the House Intelligence Committee's report on Russian interference in the 2016 election? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, YOU JUST GO EAT SHIT RIGHT NOW, OK? We have no interest in reading 253 pages of propaganda about NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, HILLARY IS THE COLLUSION, from House Republicans who never intended to do a real investigation in the first damn place. If it's anything like Devin Nunes's stupid lie memo, it sounds like a REAL canoe trip down Horseshit River. Maybe we'll pick through the Democratic minority response next week with a fine-toothed comb, because Adam Schiff and the rest of the committee Democrats aren't FULL OF LIES.

Seriously, why do you think we would read this whole thing? Goes to show what YOU know. It is Friday and we can smell Beer Thirty from here, and also too we DON'T WANNA. Sure, there are a couple of little handfuls of news coming out in the report, like how Michael Flynn and his son had YET ANOTHER meeting with the Russian ambassador in 2015, right before that fancy and fun trip to Russia for the RT gala, where Flynn and Jill Stein played with the peas on their plate while giggling with anticipation at Vladimir Putin. At least that is how we picture the scene in our brains.

And here is a funny thing from the "findings" section, where (ARE YOU LISTENING, DEVIN NUNES?) House Republicans admit that they're well aware the counterintel investigation into the Trump campaign began after George Papadopoulos drunk-jizzed to an Australian diplomat about how the Russians had shown him how they were going to screw Hillary Clinton's campaign with hacked emails, and NOT because of the Steele Dossier, which is the lie Devin Nunes likes to tell.

LOOK, DEVIN, WE CIRCLED IT FOR YOU:

Another reason we are not reading this long-ass thing House Intel Republicans scrawled out on paper (and added pictures to also too!) is look who is endorsing it:

Yeah, we are just not very interested in what the co-conspirators in the House of Representatives cooked up to please their Orange Lord, since we all know good and well Devin Nunes shut down the investigation long before it was over, before they had even had a chance to interview tons of people. God, they didn't even bring Erik Prince back to talk to them, even though it can't have escaped the notice of their lizard brains that he FLAT OUT LIED to them in his testimony.

Besides, committee Republican Trey Gowdy said over a month ago that we shouldn't trust this report, obviously because Gowdy knows in his heart that it is full of cow shit from the cow mansion Devin Nunes allegedly built for his most beloved dairy cow, allegedly:

PFFFFFFFFFT, GIVE US A BREAK.

(Oh hey, wanna know what IS newsy? This thing, from the Democratic response to the report, about how when Donald Trump Jr. was setting up his Russian treason meeting in Trump Tower, he spoke to Emin Agalarov on the telephone twice, with one call in between, to a blocked number. Guess who was known for using blocked numbers? THAT'S RIGHT, YOU GET A GOLD STAR! This COULD mean Daddy Trump was well aware of the treason meeting before it happened! But Republicans refused to follow up on that, likely because they didn't want to know the answer.)

If you want to look through the GOP report for yourself, then FINE, BE THAT WAY, we have embedded it below. If you want to cheat off somebody who is actually reading it, go to Marcy Wheeler's Twitter, though she took a break from reading it HOURS AGO, because she was "getting on a plane," by which she probably meant "GOD THIS IS BORING, GONNA GO TAKE A BREAK LIKE A COMMON WONKETTE AND MAYBE NEVER FINISH IT."

Mostly she is just pointing out how the whole report is full of shit, and we just told you that, so why don't you just stay here in this, your OPEN THREAD?

House Intel's Russia report by Chuck Ross on Scribd

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Are you a fairly regular Wonkette reader and have had a nagging little voice for some time saying “you should throw Wonkette a buck every month”? We would surely appreciate it!

[House Intel report]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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