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Oh, dear readers, were you thinking you were going to get a liveblog of the House Intelligence Committee's report on Russian interference in the 2016 election? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, YOU JUST GO EAT SHIT RIGHT NOW, OK? We have no interest in reading 253 pages of propaganda about NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, HILLARY IS THE COLLUSION, from House Republicans who never intended to do a real investigation in the first damn place. If it's anything like Devin Nunes's stupid lie memo, it sounds like a REAL canoe trip down Horseshit River. Maybe we'll pick through the Democratic minority response next week with a fine-toothed comb, because Adam Schiff and the rest of the committee Democrats aren't FULL OF LIES.

Seriously, why do you think we would read this whole thing? Goes to show what YOU know. It is Friday and we can smell Beer Thirty from here, and also too we DON'T WANNA. Sure, there are a couple of little handfuls of news coming out in the report, like how Michael Flynn and his son had YET ANOTHER meeting with the Russian ambassador in 2015, right before that fancy and fun trip to Russia for the RT gala, where Flynn and Jill Stein played with the peas on their plate while giggling with anticipation at Vladimir Putin. At least that is how we picture the scene in our brains.

And here is a funny thing from the "findings" section, where (ARE YOU LISTENING, DEVIN NUNES?) House Republicans admit that they're well aware the counterintel investigation into the Trump campaign began after George Papadopoulos drunk-jizzed to an Australian diplomat about how the Russians had shown him how they were going to screw Hillary Clinton's campaign with hacked emails, and NOT because of the Steele Dossier, which is the lie Devin Nunes likes to tell.

LOOK, DEVIN, WE CIRCLED IT FOR YOU:

Another reason we are not reading this long-ass thing House Intel Republicans scrawled out on paper (and added pictures to also too!) is look who is endorsing it:

Yeah, we are just not very interested in what the co-conspirators in the House of Representatives cooked up to please their Orange Lord, since we all know good and well Devin Nunes shut down the investigation long before it was over, before they had even had a chance to interview tons of people. God, they didn't even bring Erik Prince back to talk to them, even though it can't have escaped the notice of their lizard brains that he FLAT OUT LIED to them in his testimony.

Besides, committee Republican Trey Gowdy said over a month ago that we shouldn't trust this report, obviously because Gowdy knows in his heart that it is full of cow shit from the cow mansion Devin Nunes allegedly built for his most beloved dairy cow, allegedly:

PFFFFFFFFFT, GIVE US A BREAK.

(Oh hey, wanna know what IS newsy? This thing, from the Democratic response to the report, about how when Donald Trump Jr. was setting up his Russian treason meeting in Trump Tower, he spoke to Emin Agalarov on the telephone twice, with one call in between, to a blocked number. Guess who was known for using blocked numbers? THAT'S RIGHT, YOU GET A GOLD STAR! This COULD mean Daddy Trump was well aware of the treason meeting before it happened! But Republicans refused to follow up on that, likely because they didn't want to know the answer.)

If you want to look through the GOP report for yourself, then FINE, BE THAT WAY, we have embedded it below. If you want to cheat off somebody who is actually reading it, go to Marcy Wheeler's Twitter, though she took a break from reading it HOURS AGO, because she was "getting on a plane," by which she probably meant "GOD THIS IS BORING, GONNA GO TAKE A BREAK LIKE A COMMON WONKETTE AND MAYBE NEVER FINISH IT."

Mostly she is just pointing out how the whole report is full of shit, and we just told you that, so why don't you just stay here in this, your OPEN THREAD?

House Intel's Russia report by Chuck Ross on Scribd

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[House Intel report]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

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