Politico ran an article Tuesday about everyone's favorite fake moderate, Susan Collins. She's struggling, y'all, over whether to “support or oppose" Donald Trump's re-election. C'mon, she had the chance to help replace Trump with aging Ken Doll Mike Pence, and refused, so why should anyone think she'd support replacing Trump with Joe Biden? That's a load of malarkey. She's just waiting for a reason to blame liberal protestors or Elizabeth Warren when she inevitably endorses the COVID-spreader in chief.

Collins does have some notes for Trump's performance as a president who almost gives a damn during a pandemic. She thinks he's been “very uneven." Wow, that was almost a criticism.

COLLINS: There are times when I think his message has been spot on and he has really deferred to the public health officials who have been with him at these press conferences. And then there are times when I think he's been off message and has brought up extraneous issues. So I think it's been mixed.

Sweet Christ, it's like she's reviewing crystal meth: “There are times when I think I can conquer the world! And then there are times when I see spiders everywhere." That's not a “mixed" review. The spiders are a deal breaker.


Sure, on the rare occasions that the president can control himself enough to do absolutely nothing, he's “spot on." Trump has been in office for a billion years, and yet Republicans still cling to this hope that he'll pull himself together and be the populist figurehead of their dreams. Trump was supposed to go off and be racist at rallies while leaving actual governance to the “experts" who — we repeat — are not Ivanka or Jared. Well, they didn't get President Rush Limbaugh. They got a horror movie monster, a political Freddy Krueger but without the quirky charm or literacy.

What does Collins think about the non-Anthony Fauci portions of "Donald Trump's Coronavirus Variety Hour" — when what passes for our president insults reporters and claims he's master of all he surveys?

COLLINS: It's been uneven. I don't think that that is helpful.

No shit, Suzy Creamcheese.

COLLINS: I think when he stays on message it's helpful. But when he gets off message or brings up issues that have nothing to do with the coronavirus, it is not reassuring to the American people.

Oh, why can't Trump “reassure" us by just standing there and nodding while the doctors speak?

The coronavirus has changed America greatly but it's almost comforting to know that Collins is as much a stooge for Mitch McConnell as ever. She agrees with the majority leader that the Paycheck Protection Program needs an immediate $250 billion cash infusion. Democrats also want an additional $250 to fund hospitals and local governments but Collins thinks they can wait until the Senate returns in May.

It's no wonder that Collins is disliked even in her own state of Maine. A recent poll showed her approval rating at 37 percent and her disapproval at 52 percent. That's pretty damn "uneven." Campaign strategists would argue that you'd want those numbers reversed. Maine Sen. Angus King currently enjoys 59 percent approval. Democratic House Rep. Chellie Pingree boasts 51 percent approval. King and Pingree both voted to impeach Trump. Democrat Jared Golden, a freshman representative from a conservative district, split his impeachment vote, which earned the wrath of Stephen King. He's still more popular than Collins with 42 percent approval and only 19 percent disapproval.

During the coronavirus outbreak, Maine Gov. Janet Mills has seen her approval increase from 47 to 60 percent. Mainers overall trust their state representatives more than the federal government right now, but Collins is the notable exception. She stands alone, which is what happens when you stand by Trump.

Collins is up for re-election in November and her chances look bleaker than ever. How's that for a nice time? You can donate to the Retire Susan Collins Fund here.

[Politico / Bangor Daily News]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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