Donald Trump is really starting to feel badly for himself.

The way he sees it, he's had an absolutely incredible presidency, filled with joy and laughter and prosperity for the whole country. Sure, the "fake news" didn't like him, but they weren't actual people. The other people who didn't like him didn't count as actual people either, because surely they were either all brainwashed to not like him by the mainstream media or they were antifa. One of the two. Everyone else thought he was great.

But then, out of nowhere (not out of nowhere), a completely unpreventable virus (that we knew about several months before it hit us) hit our shores and there was nothing we could do to prevent it from killing over 126,000 people (there were so many things we could have done) — and now he's worried that he's not going to win election to a second term. Legally, anyway. And then the country will be saddled with Joe Biden, who is not as good at talking as he is.

Last night, Trump confessed this fear to to Sean Hannity.

It's so crazy what's happening. Here's a guy who can't talk. Whenever he does talk, he can't put two sentences together. I don't want to be nice or un-nice. The man can't speak. And he is going to be president because some people don't love me, maybe. And all I'm doing is doing my job.

Oh, poor poor pitiful Pearl. He was just trying to do his job. Sure, he did it terribly and everything is a garbage fire now, but he was trying. If "trying" means playing a lot of golf and inventing new words and yelling at people on Twitter like an angry 15-year-old boy.

It is true though. Joe Biden is not particularly eloquent when he speaks and often makes a lot of gaffes. But to be fair, who among us can compete with the kind of high-level rhetoric Trump used to explain to Hannity what his priorities would be in his second term?

Well, one of the things that will be really great, you know the word experience is still good. I always say talent is more important than experience. I've always said that. But the word experience is a very important word. It's an — a very important meaning.

I never did this before. I never slept over in Washington. I was in Washington, I think, 17 times. All of a sudden, I'm president of the United States. You know the story. I'm riding down Pennsylvania Avenue with our First Lady and I say, 'This is great.' But I didn't know very many people in Washington. It wasn't my thing. I was from Manhattan, from New York. Now I know everybody, and I have great people in the administration.

You make some mistakes. Like, you know, an idiot like Bolton. All he wanted to do was drop bombs on everybody. You don't have to drop bombs on everybody. You don't have to kill people.

Those are certainly some words. And the word experience is certainly an important word. He has experience now. For instance, the next time there is a pandemic, he knows not to do much testing so it doesn't look like there's actually a pandemic happening.

As he has suggested a number of other times this week, Trump is really unhappy about all of the testing that's been happening. Sure, if we are ever going to get back to anything close to normal, we need widespread testing so that people who are asymptomatic carriers are not waltzing through Target infecting everything they touch, but when you increase testing, the numbers go up and then that makes Trump look bad. And that should take precedent over people not dying. As a country, if we were truly patriotic, we would be willing to make that sacrifice.

Also, he claimed in the interview, if someone has a "sniffle" they will be diagnosed with COVID-19 even if they don't have it. This is not true, but if we all agree to pretend to believe it, it makes the numbers seem less bad. Numbers like 40,184, which is how many people were diagnosed with it yesterday — the highest number of diagnosed infections in a single day so far. If you assume that's a big lie and all of those people just have a headache or allergies, then that's not as bad as it sounds.

Clearly, everyone just needs to put the fact that they don't love Donald Trump and that him being president has led to us living in a freaking hell dimension aside and do what's best for the country, which is electing literally anyone (or any inanimate object) who is not him.

Watch the whole interview below, if you have a death wish.

President Trump Town Hall hosted by Sean Hannity | FULL


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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