The doctor is in, America, and he has a very important announcement! BuzzFeed reports that Dr. Jerome Adams, the surgeon general of the United States, is putting out a national advisory to make the prescription drug naloxone more widely available, and for America to get educated about it, because it is a crucial tool in reversing opioid overdoses. As BuzzFeed explains, some states still have limits on the drug, but Dr. Adams says it's "life-saving" and that access needs to be increased in order to combat the epidemic Donald Trump says he's really concerned about, when he's not busy shit-tweeting at Amazon or watching "Fox & Friends." (At the very least, Trump would like to murder people who sell opioids!)

BuzzFeed kind of buried the lede, though. See if you can see what they missed:

Should that tweet not say "Extremely hot US Surgeon General Jerome Adams will issue a nationwide advisory for more people to get access to overdose-reversing drug naloxone"? We are just making editorial suggestions, because BuzzFeed is our pal.

Now look. You may ask, "isn't Dr. Adams a Trump appointee?" And it's true, he most certainly is. But's possible he's one of the better Trump appointees, as if such a thing even exists, but that's the justification we're going to go with for why we're about to objectify him. (Not that we even attempted any such justifications a few weeks ago when we wrote about Hot Johnny, Trump's recently fired "body man.")

Remember a few years back when there was a gigantic HIV outbreak in tiny Scott County, Indiana? That outbreak was largely caused by Mike Pence's crusade against Planned Parenthood when he was governor, which led to the closing of the Planned Parenthood clinic in the county, which did not even perform abortions, but sure did do HIV prevention, education, and treatment! Now, Mike Pence hates needle exchange programs, which help prevent precisely the kinds of outbreaks like the one experienced in Scott County. It was Dr. Jerome Adams, who was then Indiana's public health commissioner, who stuck his foot up Pence's ass and made him do a temporary rule change and allow needle exchange there, and Adams is widely credited with spearheading the response to that HIV outbreak, which Pence created because he is a bigot who thinks HIV/AIDS money should instead to to "pray away the gay" camps.

So again, it's possible Trump accidentally nominated a decent person to do something, which means he must have been distracted by a laser pointer or a bucket full o' Big Macs that day.

We plugged "surgeon general instagram sexxx" into our Google to see if Adams has a sexxxy Instagram, like all previous surgeon generals obviously did, but it seems he's just using the regular old official surgeon general Instagram account. Doesn't mean there's not this video of Dr. Adams doing push-ups:

Or this picture of him getting this flu shot:

Elizabeth Warren seems to like him:

Embed from Getty Images

See what we mean about MAYBE Trump accidentally appointed a decent person? Unless Elizabeth Warren is just like "Oh well, he may be a Trump Slut, but I DO HAVE EYES, OK?"

Oh look, Melania looks happy for the first time ever:

Embed from Getty Images

Unfortunately for Dr. Adams, so does Mike Pence:

Look at Pence playing grab-ass with the hot doctor's bicep! Mother would NOT approve.

One more, because JESUS:

Embed from Getty Images

Of course, Trump will probably fire Adams and replace him with a "doctor" he saw on Fox News, because UH OH, Adams tweeted something nice about Bill Clinton last night:

Well, this has been a very good shallow post about an important subject, let's do another one some time very soon!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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