Nobody Wants To Come To Trump's Big Stupid Loser Send-Off Pity Party

Donald Trump is having the worst last day of his failed loser presidency ever. CNN reports that he's "bitter" and "consumed with grievance" and still clinging to his stupid fantasy world, the one where Americans don't just absoluately loathe him, and did not resoundingly tell him that in the November 3 election.

We already knew Trump and his a-hole wife Melania were eschewing literally all of the traditions of the peaceful transfer of power, which is sort of expected when the last meaningful act of a president is ordering a terrorist attack on the US Capitol. CNN further reports that there will be no farewell address, and at this point, we're not even sure the White House chef is in the mood to give him one last presidential meal, so if you are an Uber Eats driver in DC and you get an order tonight for "one thousand Big Macs and maybe not be so lonely anymore," congrats, you get to see the White House!

We're also learning more about Trump's planned sendoff, scheduled for tomorrow morning at Joint Base Andrews. Trump had wanted a military parade, but the Pentagon was like "Hey what if you stick rocks up your nose instead?" (May not have been Pentagon's exact words.) Then it became this thing at Andrews, maybe with military flyovers and adoring fans crying and calling him "sir" one last time, we dunno. CNN says it's "one of the few items that have cheered him up recently," this idea of a big thingie in his honor, as he fucks off into the sky in Air Force One for one last time.

Welllllllll, the planning for that is not going well. First of all, he's getting on the damn plane at 8 a.m. Eastern, which means most of the country will barely be drinking their coffee by the time it happens. Wonkette gonna liveblog that? Hey what if YOU stick rocks up your nose instead?

If people want to attend in person — and oh boy they are DESPERATE for people to come — they have to show up between 6:00 and 7:15 tomorrow morning. Ayup. Doesn't that sound pleasant?

They sent an invite to Anthony Scaramucci, who haaaaaaate Trump now, so it was pretty obvious they're just looking for seat fillers. (He's not going.) The invitation literally asked people to bring up to five guests apiece, and we assume each of those guests is allowed to bring five guests and each of those is allowed to ... this is a fucking timeshare presentation, isn't it?

People involved in the planning have said they haven't gotten many RSVPs back, from Scaramucci or anybody else.

And now there's new BAD NEWS, because guess who's definitely not going to Trump's little bon voyLOLge party? That's right, it's Mike Pence, the ever-loyal veep Trump sent his followers to try to kill on January 6.

He's busy that day. He's goin' to the 'Naug. Got some shit to do. Biden said they're all going to church at 8:45 in the morning, and you know how Pence gets his rocks off on close encounters of the Christ kind.

Guess who else ain't showin' up? House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy and House Majority (for two more seconds) Leader Mitch McConnell. They're doin' the 'Naug. Gonna do church shit with Biden.

CNN reports on more people who are too busy deep-cleaning their cat tomorrow and obviously cannot make time to attend Trump's little pity party:

Other former officials who left the White House on rocky terms, including former chief of staff John Kelly and former White House counsel Don McGahn, also received invitations to the event but aren't planning to attend, sources told CNN. Kelly told CNN's Jake Tapper he had other pressing commitments.

Sad. Guess everybody on the guest list prefers presidents who aren't being chased out of town to live the rest of their days as sad losers.

We don't know how many current Trump officials will show up, but Politico's Playbook reported this morning that the "go-to excuse" from people telling them to fuck off has been that they have to show up between 6:00 and 7:15 tomorrow morning for Trump's 8 a.m. departure. But, adds Playbook, "truly, many just don't want to be photographed sending off their former boss."

Playbook reported elsewhere this morning, in a section about how Trump White House staffers can't find anybody who wants to hire them:

"No one wants to touch them, they're just toxic," [a former White House official] said.

It's bad enough that the coronavirus has crippled the economy, but the fallout from the insurrection has made the departing Trump aides even less employable. One former White House official, sitting comfortably in a consulting job, says he's talked to over 30 current officials looking for work. Another former Trump aide who has spoken to 50 job candidates said elegantly, "They're f---ed" — especially after Jan. 6.

No pity.

In summary and in conclusion, Trump's presidency is ending with an even smaller crowd than the one that greeted it. His sendoff event appears to have rejected him, just like the American people and good genes rejected him. What does he have left? Nothing. As Lawrence O'Donnell said on the TV last night, Donald Trump doesn't have one good day to look forward to for the rest of his sad, shameful life.

Oh but hey, were you thinking of donating plasma tomorrow to pay your rent? Have you considered instead offering your skills saying "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" for Trump as he departs for the last time is hurled into the sky by airplanes?

Nah, do the plasma thing. Trump never pays his bills.

Farewell, loser, by which we mean GTFO.


[CNN / Politico Playbook]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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