Nobody Wants To Touch Mike Pompeo Or His Stinky Meat Hands

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is being gross, you guys. He traveled to Denmark on an aeroplane, coming directly from the dirtiest, nastiest most COVID-infested country in the world, the one from which pretty much no countries are allowing visitors — we are talking about the good old USA — and proceeded to just ... ugh ... touch people.

Schitts Creek Comedy GIF by CBCGiphy

That's right. This guy:


Throw Up Stephen Colbert GIF by MOODMANGiphy

Like, even during Not Pandemic, you don't want Mike Pompeo touching you.

The Weekshares the rundown from the Washington Post's John Hudson, who reports that Pompeo tried to touch Danish Foreign Minister Jeppe Kofod right on his hand skin. Kofod deflected the gesture, because A) gross and B) Denmark does not have a coronavirus problem and would not like one, please and thank you.

NBC News has a video:

Watch: Mike Pompeo Politely Snubbed As Ministers Ignore His Extended Hand | NBC News

Here comes Big Stinky!

That guy got his hand OUT THE FUCKING WAY.

Then Pompeo tried it with Greenland's foreign minister, Steen Lynge:

NOPE. That one turned into an elbow bump. And hopefully a Silkwood Shower for Greenland's foreign minister.

The third time Pompeo just gave up. Which is ONE TIME TOO MANY.

Look, we have accidentally shaken hands during this very weird time. It happens. We are all living through a thing, and it's strange, and when it happens, you are like "OH SHIT, I AM DISGUSTING!" and then you run inside and cry a lot and promise never to touch another human hand again. (That's not what we do. That's what you do. We just go wash our hands.)

But to fuck it up once and then immediately fuck it up like two seconds later? How dumb and gross ARE you, Mike Pompeo?

Pompeo has been making some news lately, because for some racist reason he's been attacking the New York Times's 1619 Project, even though it debuted almost a whole year ago. He's also released his long-awaited (like a herpes flare-up) draft report on "unalienable rights," put together by his Commission on Unalienable Rights, a fundamentalist Hitler Jesus poison document meant to rid the world of all these so-called newfangled "rights" America has been exporting, like abortion rights, and the right to live fully and equally anywhere in the world as an LGBTQ person. Pompeo thinks that's a bad right!

Pompeo, a Christian theocrat if there ever was one, thinks rights should be based on "natural law," a made-up concept propagated by Christian Right whackjobs that underpins most religious Right "scholarship" today. The idea is that the only true rights are those that come from God. Surprise, it is basically code for "God Hates Fags," dressed up in faux-intellectual language. Pompeo wanted his natural law/God Hates Fags commission to help get America back to the "Judeo-Christian tradition on which this country was founded," and away from stuff he in his limited knowledge thinks Jesus does not approve of. (Just as "natural law" is code for God Hates Fags, "Judeo-Christian" is a buzzword used by Christian supremacist theocrats to hide their true Christian supremacist views; they add the "Judeo" in hopes the reader will think American Jews are aligned with, or even want fuckall to do with them. They are not, and they do not.)

Surprise, Pompeo's commission found that the "foremost" "unalienable" rights are property rights and religious freedom (to impose fundamentalist Christianity on the rest of the population). Its report says "abortion, affirmative action, [and] same-sex marriage" are "divisive social and political controversies," but certainly not on the level of "unalienable" rights!

Basically, under Mike Pompeo, notions that gay rights and women's rights are human rights, which the State Department used to push around the world, are gone. Pompeo doesn't want America exporting any kind of diplomacy that doesn't fit into his rightwing Christian supremacist bigoted worldview.

Anyway, that is just some other news you need to know about Mike Pompeo, which you might not know if we hadn't clickbaited you into reading a thing about his stinky, sticky, sweaty, foul, unwashed front paws.

Haha, made you learn something.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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