After Michael Cohen, graduate of the universe's worst law school and dedicated man-servant of a man he calls MIS-TURR TWUMP, got his ass raided by the FBI, there was much kerfuffle over all the stuff the feds seized, because after all, Michael Cohen is a real lawyer with real clients (Trump, Elliott Broidy and Sean Hannity for some reason) and it is unfair and un-American to take all his communications, because ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE!

Indeed, it was such a maelstrom of terribleness that the president of the United States was forced to tweet Very Serious Proclamations about how "ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE IS DEAD!" (In the president's mind, if you have a conversation with a lawyer, even if you are using that lawyer -- who is really more of a fixer -- to commit crimes, those are automatically privileged conversations. The president is A Idiot.)

There was much argument over whether it would be sufficient for an FBI "Taint Team" to look through all Cohen's shit to determine what was privileged, or should the judge appoint a "special master" to figure that out. Ultimately a special master was appointed, even though the judge at the time was like, "Yeah, pretty sure two-thirds of your so-called clients have gone on TV and said you really didn't do hardly any legal work for them, and the president seems HELLBENT on blowing y'all's entire legal strategy anyway, so this is probably a waste of errbody's goddamn time." (Judge Kimba Wood did not say those words exactly, but we imagine she thought them.)

The first findings from that special master, Barbara Jones, are out, and they are precisely what one would expect in an FBI raid of a very serious and important lawyer with real clients who isn't actually just a criminal fixer thug baby loser. Just kidding, they are the opposite of that:

We will transcribe, because we are nice like that.

From eight boxes of "hard copy materials":

"Out of 639 total items consisting of 12,543 pages, the Special Master agrees with the Plaintiff and/or Intervenors and finds that 14 items are Privileged and/or Partially Privileged. The Special Master also finds that 3 items are not privileged."

Fourteen items out of 639! Superb "legal" practice you got going there, Michael Cohen. (To clarify, Cohen's lawyers agree that the 622 remaining items are just unprivileged bullshits.)

We are very curious, however, about the three items Cohen's team thinks are privileged, but the special master says are not. Are they dick pics from each of his three clients, Trump, Broidy and Hannity? Because really, Southern District of New York, you can KEEP THAT GROSS SHIT TO YOURSELVES, privilege or no.

From two phones and an iPad (and also two turntables and a microphone, probably):

Out of 291,770 total items, the Special Master agrees with the Plaintiff and/or Intervenors and finds that 148 items are Privileged and/or Partially Privileged and that 7 items are Highly Personal.

148 items out of 291,770! We guess attorney-client privilege really is dead ... but only when your lawyer went to Cooley Law School and isn't a real lawyer and you really didn't hire him for legal purposes anyway.

Those seven "highly personal" items, we are guessing, are Cohen's own dick pics (ALLEGEDLY!) and we agree with the special master that the public should not see those either, because PEE YEW.

As Politico notes, this is just the beginning:

Todd Harrison, a lawyer for Cohen, told the court last week that his firm had received about 3.7 million files, with about 1.3 million already turned over to Jones for her review.

If the rest of the files follow a similar pattern, we can expect that they will find approximately ZERO additional actual lawyer work and a bunch more dick pics of Sean Hannity, assuming they have found some already, and after all, it would be irresponsible to suggest that they haven't.

And on that note, everyone, have a delicious lunch!

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[Special Master report]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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