NORAD To Track Santa Claus, Drive Glenn Greenwald To Write 50,000-Word Screed About Oppressive Government Surveillance
Ah, Christmas Eve. A time to attend church (assuming you are not a godless heathen), sing some Christmas carols, finish picking clean the carcass of various retail establishments in your scramble for last-minute gifts, gird yourself for Christmas dinner with your racist Uncle Red, get the kids into bed so you can stay up late drinking eggnog and wrapping their gifts. And oh yeah, watch as the United States military brings its formidable resources to bear on tracking an imaginary fat guy flying a sled pulled by a major Nordic food source.
Welcome to NoradSanta.org, your web source for all the ways the North American Aerospace Defense Command will spend Christmas Eve making sure Santa and his reindeer can land on every load-bearing roof all over the world to bring little children their Batcave Playsets and Hello Kitty assault rifles. NoradSanta.org has all sorts of games and information about Santa and his work. You can download apps to your iPadRoid, presumably to track Santa's flight. Additionally the site features adorable propaganda videos showcasing all the wonderful technology the military has on hand to keep the country safe from marauding jihadis, Russian nukes and corpulent North Pole dwellers who for one night every year make a mockery of our nation’s “defend your castle” laws. There are also promotional videos from Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence for some reason. What, Tiffany Brissette was busy?
We think Editrix assigned us this piece as some sort of holiday Nice Time, but then we spiked our eggnog with a little too much whiskey, and even sober we don’t think our eyeballs could have remained unrolled watching all this hardware fetishism. It’s Christmas Eve and for one day we’d like to not be reminded of all the resources our government has spent turning our country into a militarized fortress populated by chest-pounding baboons with G.I. Joe complexes. What happened to peace and love and all that hippie shit? (Not a word out of you, Andy Schlafly.)
Fuck it, we’re going to have some more eggnog and go see Anchorman 2 (yes Editrix, we are seeing Anchorman 2!) Merry Christmas, Wonketteers!