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North Carolina right now.


[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/600547/north-carolina-republican-breaks-up-with-bruce-springsteen-becomes-belieber"></a>[/wonkbar]North Carolina has really done it this time with its new anti-LGBT law, HB 2. It was one thing when it was just Paypal canceling expansion plans in North Carolina. It was another when Bruce Springsteen decided to cancel his Greensboro concert, causing a North Carolina wingnut congressman to denounce The Boss and immediately declare his deep, quivering love for Justin Bieber.

But imagine the scene in "family values" homes in North Carolina Monday night, when mommy and the kids fell asleep and Daddy locked himself in his office to "do the taxes," pulled his pants down, logged on to his favorite free porn site XHamster.com to jerk off into a pool of his own regret for a few hours and found ...

HEY-O! Check out the statement from XHamster:

"We are appalled by the recent events that have transpired in North Carolina. We have spent the last 50 years fighting for equality for everyone and these laws are discriminatory which XHamster.com does not tolerate. As of today, access to XHamster.com is blacked out in the state of North Carolina until further notice. Judging by the stats of what you North Carolinians watch, we feel this punishment is a severe one. We will not standby and pump revenue into a system that promotes this type of garbage. We respect all sexualities and embrace them."

Very nice!

We wonder how many conservative men who secretly like to look at dicks or boobies or hot hard anal sex or stuff that's WHOA kinky, but who simultaneously bitch and moan about the gay agenda and religious freedom, went to bed with blue balls last night. (Answer: All of them, unless they used their imaginations or had some secret porn daguerreotypes they found at a flea market stashed away for the apocalypse and emergencies like this.)

And how do we know it's a bunch of conservative men doing these searches? Because there are so many searches for "shemale," which is a rude word to say or search for, but wingnuts are ignorant assholes and they don't know that. We're sure they'll update their political correctness dictionaries as soon as they take care of the leaky dicks they got when they searched for "shemales."

The "gay" searches, of course, come from North Carolinians of all races, religions, political affiliations and hairstyles, because everybody is a little bit gay.

We bet North Carolina's water cooler conversations are SUPER crazy today. Everybody has a boner that's lasted longer than four hours, first of all, and nobody has called their doctor, because their doctor has a painful boner too. So they're just standing there, drinking water, pointing their chubbies at each other.

All the Southern Baptist churches are too slippery for human walking because of how the pastor left a snail trail of jizz 'n' tears from the parking lot all the way back to his office this morning.

Oh, and did you guys hear that Deutsche Bank (which never had any gay porn videos on its website in the first place, HOW LAME) has canceled plans to create 250 new jobs in Cary, North Carolina, on account of the new hate law?

Goshdarnit and boy howdy, it's almost like writing discrimination into law doesn't pay. Listen, bigots of North Carolina, you have a few options here:

  • Masturbate furiously to dirty porning videos at PornHub or XTube or something (AT LEAST UNTIL THEY TURN OFF THE SUPPLY TOO) while simultaneously being hypocritical fucking assholes who support HB 2.
  • Never masturbate to secret porn again hahahaha as if you could do that.
  • Repeal your fucking bad law, whack it 'til your heart's content to all your favorite sexxxytime videos and Make North Carolina Great Again.

Your choice, fuckers.

[XHamster on Twitter / Paypal]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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