North Carolina Won't Let You Hunt On Sundays, Thanks Obama
Did you know that in Obama's America (okay, Obama's North Carolina), you can't wake up on Sunday morning and go hunting? No, seriously, this is a thing! Under current law, hunters, on their own property, or with the property owner's permission, are not allowed to decide that Sunday is a good day to say "screw church" and set to the truly worshipful task of bagging a buck. So members of the North Carolina House are trying to fix that with HB 640. But who's against it? Church people! Even though the law says you can't hunt within 300 yards of a church, these obviously crazy people are worried about things like stray bullets hitting Nana while she's singing "Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow," like stray bullets even exist.
Bill sponsor Republican Rep. Jimmy Dixon says that "all we are doing is practicing some good old property rights. If I want to hunt on my own land on Sunday, why are there any of you in this room to tell me I can't do it?" But Rep. William Blisson, a mean Democrat who clearly hates the Second Amendment and America, says that "300 yards sounds like a long ways, but with a high-powered rifle it’s not long enough. You don’t know where that bullet’s going to end up." Obviously Blisson does not know that Good Guys With Guns do not accidentally shoot things, and never in church. It's in the Bible.
To be honest, we see both sides of this argument! The people in the pews, even if they ARE being championed by a dirty Democrat, have the right to get their worship thang on, without having to listen to Paw firing his gun at Bambi, and possibly accidentally firing into the sanctuary right in the middle of communion, sending a bullet flying past the good Reverend right as he's about to break the bread and say "This is my body, broken for you." No visual aids, please!
But if you ARE on your own land, and a great big deer happens to walk by, we can see how it would be maddening to have to let that deer live one more second, just because it happens to be "Sunday." It's the deer's damn fault for venturing out for brunch. What's next? No hunting on Saturdays, for the Seventh Day Adventists and the Jooz? Oh, no? Oh that's right, we only make these special rules for oppressed Christians.
And for reals? These "Sunday laws" exist all over the South. They are called Blue Laws, and they are stupid. Usually they're telling you that, due to the fact that the Good Christians happen to be worshipping Jesus that day, you cannot, as an adult human who would just like to enjoy Sunday in peace, buy whatever alcohol you want. Sometimes they go really far, though! For instance, yr Wonkette has experienced walking into a Walmart in South Carolina on a Sunday morning and being handed a list of things you can and cannot buy. Don't worry, they've got the essentials covered though!
According to the South Carolina code, it is perfectly legal on Sunday morning to sell tobacco, light bulbs, souvenirs, as well as hosiery and undergarments.
You know — all the things you might need after a particularly eventful Saturday night.
Cigarettes and pantyhose! That's all you need, in South Carolina! It probably works for Lindsey Graham, sitting on his veranda on a Sunday afternoon ... There. Now you have that image seared into your brain for life. You're welcome! Of course, if you need other things, you are screwed.
And back in North Carolina, they need to go huntin'. On Sunday. For Freedom and America, in Jesus' name, Amen.[The News & Observer / HB 640]
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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