Not All Witnesses Are Heroes. (Afternoon Impeachment Day Three Liveblog!)

Have you been impressed with the patriotism and dutiful service and love for country shown by all the impeachment witnesses so far? Are you SO SICK OF IT?

You are in luck, because this afternoon we have former Ukraine special envoy Kurt Volker, who may have lied A WHOLE LOT to Congress in his closed-door deposition, and who was one of the original Three Amigos deputized by Trump to do irregular extortion crime policy in Ukraine. We also have recently departed White House Russia adviser Tim Morrison, the GOP's STAR WITNESS (not star witness), who has determined that Trump has not committed any crimes. (Morrison confirms everybody else's testimony, though.)

Good news is this is still gonna totally blow for Donald Trump.

Let's liveblog! Or maybe we will fall asleep on the couch and the dog will liveblog it, just kidding if we fall asleep you're on your own.

LIVE: House Impeachment Inquiry Hearing - Volker & Morrison

3:04: We should be getting going before too long. By the way, MSNBC guy is reporting that Kurt Volker, who maybe kinda LIED TO CONGRESS A LOT, will be amending his testimony today, to take some of the NO QUID PRO QUO! out.

Sorry, Trump. They're not loyal to you. They're loyal to not going to prison for you, though.

3:24: OK, looks like we are about to get going. Let the shitshow rebeginneth!

3:27: Good afternoon, morons.

3:30: Adam Schiff begins by reading Volker and Morrison the stories of their Ukranian crime lives.

While that is happening, we'd like to show you a text message sent by Volker, which came up in this morning's session with Vindman and Williams. Volker sent this text to Ukranian official Andriy Yermak 30 MINUTES BEFORE TRUMP'S TREASON CALL with Volodymyr Zelenskyy:

HEY I JUST MET YOU AND THIS IS CRAZY, but as long as Zelenskyy promises to do investigations for Trump on the telephone, he will get to come to the White House! Have you met my friend Quid Pro Quo? You're going to be seeing a lot of him in the near future!

That, again, is a text from Kurt Volker. "Assuming President Z convinces trump he will investigate / "get to the bottom of what happened" in 2016, we will nail down date for visit to Washington. Good luck! See you tomorrow- kurt"

Uh huh.

3:32: Also too by the way, we know these are like the GOP's star witnesses or something, but do remember that Volker went ahead and resigned about seven seconds after this scandal broke, and Morrison has also too resigned.

3:33: Devin Nunes is such a dipshit goober. Every one of these hearings, he's like "UHHHHDUUURRR WELCOME TO THE CIRCUS AGAIN!"

Devinnnnnn also said "no intelligent component whatsoever," did somebody replace his desktop with a mirror? HAW HAW get it the joke is Devinnnnn is really stupid.

3:36: Devinnnnnn says "who knows what crime Democrats will accuse Trump of next week?" We dunno, he's committed so many, it's hard to decide.

Some women have accused him of rape, for instance.

So many to choose from.

3:38: Devinnnnnn says READ THEKHJ;AKEJSTSDGUIA;DFSGKJASD;KLJFJCTP! Please do. If your IQ is higher than two "Devins," you'll be able to see all the crimes for yourself.

(A "Devin" is a very small unit of measurement, by the way. You all have at least two "Devins" in your IQ.)

3:43: Morrison opening statement!

1. He does not know who whistleblower is, do not ask him.

2. Maybe he remembers some things different from other people, what of it?

3. Russia sux, Ukraine good.

4. He was very worried how Trump's call would play in Washington. HIS WORST FEARS HAVE BEEN REALIZED. Does not mention how "extortion" would play in Ukraine, or for Trump's audience of one in the Kremlin.

3:45: Volker opening statement!

"I would like to correct the following 86,071 lies."

HAHAHAHA we are kidding, he did not put a number on it, guess we gotta count 'em for ourselves. Everybody please pull out your abacus!

3:47: BTW we would like to point out that Kurt Volker sweared to tell the truth A LOT LONGER than Tim Morrison sweared to tell the truth.

3:48: Kurt Volker still swears he had NO IDEA any of this was about the Bidens until he READF TEHJ;TKALJSKJGF;JSTOIKDEAPCTIP! of Trump's call with Zelenskyy. Uh huh. Says he did not do "irregular channel" of Ukrainian foreign policy. Said he did Official Channel! Uh huh.

Guess he is just moron then.

3:51: Dan Goldman is going to EAT these guys, and we don't mean that in a hot way.

3:54: This statement is really nice, except for how Donald Trump doesn't think Ukraine is a real country and he doesn't care about Ukraine except for if they'll do fake investigations for him so he can steal the 2020 election.

3:55: Kurt Volker was just trying to FIX everything. Rudy Giuliani was fucking EVVVVERYTHING up and poisoning Donald Trump's brain and hey have you heard Rudy Giuliani's son looks like this?


OK anyway back to what Kurt Volker is saying.

Rudy Giuliani was poisoning Trump's brain, Trump believed Ukraine tried to "take him down," Trump believes Ukraine is hiding under his bed and has illegally invaded and annexed his underpants, and how can you give Ukraine the military aid Congress appropriated when Ukraine is IN HIS UNDERPANTS?

3:58: Kurt Volker just wanted to hook Rudy Giuliani up with the Ukrainians so THEY could explain to IDIOT that they were better now, and he thought it would help, because IDIOT could take the better information back to PRESIDENT IDIOT, and maybe PRESIDENT IDIOT would get over his shit.

NARRATOR: That did not happen.

4:00: Kurt Volker TRIED to tell Giuliani that Joe Biden didn't do nothin' wrong in Ukraine. Kurt Volker TRIED to say cool your jets, Roodles the Clown.

NARRATOR: Roodles' jets remained uncooled!

4:01: Kurt Volker is talking about his work crafting The Statement they wanted Zelenskyy to deliver announcing investigations, but he SWEARS he did not know "Burisma" meant "Biden," he SWEEEEEEARS. It was on the up-and-up!

That said, when Ukraine gave him draft statement that didn't include "Burisma" or the 2016 election, he liked that statement. Sondland and Giuliani said "nah gotta say Burisma and 2016," because of how that was part of what Trump was demanding crime-wise. BUT NOBODY SAID BIDEN!!!!!!


1. He did not know they were linking military aid to demands for investigations! Nobody telled him! He thiiiiinks Ukraine figured out about the military hold on August 29 (he is wrong, they knew before).

2. He did not know John Bolton was having conniptions about the three amigos doing "drug deals" to extort Ukraine for Trump, HE DID NOT KNOW (he was a three amigo).

3. He did not know Burisma = Biden! Ever since he was borned, "Burisma" and "Biden" have always meant different stuff! However, he reconfirms that Joe Biden is "an honorable man" and says Trump's conspiracy theories about Biden are rancid dryer lint horseshit.


5. He did not know Trump and everybody else was saying "BIDEN BIDEN BIDEN" to Ukraine.

In hindsight, now he gets it. In retrospect, it was bad.

6. NO THREE AMIGO, NO THREE AMIGO, YOU ARE THE THREE AMIGOS! And when he says "you," he means John McCain and Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman.

4:09: 7. Kurt Volker did not know about Trump and Gordon Sondland yelling words to Russian spies in the middle of a Ukrainian restaurant on July 26, the day after the treason call. He was not there.

4:10: Schiff takes over. Confirms that Volker believes that corrupt former Ukrainian prosecutor general Lutsenko (Rudy's pal, John Solomon's source) is "not credible."

Volker says Marie Yovanovitch is great, Joe Biden is great, everything Lutsenko said about them is hot wet garbage nasty.

4:13: SCHIFF: Talk about why Joe Biden is so awesome and why GOP conspiracy theories about Joe Biden are LOLstupid.

VOLKER: Joe Biden is my favorite, if I got married right now, he would be in my wedding, Denise!

You guys, this is one of the GOP's star witnesses.

You guys.

4:15: VOLKER: I was trying to do good things for Ukraine! I was trying to "thread the needle." I now realize everybody around me, including the president of the United States, is a godforsaken criminal. And no, if Trump told me to investigate Joe Biden, I would not do that.

Questioning moves to Dan Goldman.

4:17: GOLDMAN: Mr. Morrison, how long had you been working at White House when Trump did a treason phone call to Ukraine?

MORRISON: 18 minutes.

4:20: Goldman shows Volker the text he sent 30 minutes before the treason phone call. You know, the one where he said "investigations" but HAD NO IDEA it meant "Biden."

4:26: GOLDMAN: Mr. Morrison, you said you weren't happy with the treason call. Why?

MORRISON: I just wanted to hear MORE NICE.

Does not say he wanted to hear LESS TREASON.

Goldman puts some of the READTHREWEJRTKEAJTK;LJSD98DFFLKJIPT5!!!1! on the screen, reads the parts where Trump did extortion, asked for foreign investigations of Biden to help him in the 2020 election, and asked for investigations into his conspiracy theories about Ukraine burying Hillary's 2016 server in the backyard.

GOLDMAN: Was any of this in the talking points?


GOLDMAN: Was any of this actual US foreign policy?


Says this confirmed what Fiona Hill had told him about how there was a "parallel process" of crime foreign policy going on with Giuliani and Sondland.


4:27: Volker says all this stuff Trump wants are "conspiracy theories" spread by Ukrainians, particularly the corrupt former prosecutor general (who leaks stuff up John Solomon's butt, that guy), and that they are things that would benefit Trump politically.

GOLDMAN:Mr. Morrison, you ran immediately to NSC lawyer John Eisenberg after the treason call, not because of the treason, but because you were worried about LEAKING.


GOLDMAN: But ... you don't think it's actually OK to ask foreign powers to investigate political opponents ...

MORRISON: That's not what I wanted Trump to say to Zelenskyy!

GOLDMAN: But ... you were pretty sure Eisenberg should hide the transcript up his butt inside the Bin Laden server?

MORRISON: That was a mistake. We meant to put it on a different No No Server, I dunno.

GOLDMAN: So let me get this straight. You witnessed 1,000 crimes, you ran to the NSC lawyer to report them, even though you did not think they were crimes.

MORRISON: That's my testimony!

4:36: Goldman shows this text between Volker and Sondland. Remember, at this point Volker says he still had NO IDEA "Burisma" meant "Joe Biden," as they were discussing the "deliverable" Trump wanted from Zelenskyy, which was the statement announcing special fake investigations, which later would become a CNN interview.

Kurt Volker just really thought something good could come out of all this crime, you guys.


4:40: This is the draft statement Andriy Yermak sent, the one that DID NOT mention Burisma or 2016, the one Rudy Giuliani ended up vetoing because it didn't say Biden.

4:48: GOLDMAN: Hey, Morrison, when you went to Warsaw with Mike Pence in September, were the Ukrainians like "UM CAN WE HAVE OUR MONEY TO STOP RUSSIA FROM KILLING US?"


GOLDMAN: What did Pence say?

MORRISON: Boilerplate garbage from Trump's mouth-hole about "corruption" and "Europe should pay more" and whatever.

GOLDMAN: You saw Gordon Sondland run over to Andriy Yermak after the meeting to deliver the quid pro quo, didn't you?


GOLDMAN: What did Sondland tell you he told Yermak?

MORRISON: Oh, he told me about the quid pro quo! You know, the one I heard about on the treason phone call that I say is not a crime. It was an "OH RATS!" moment.

4:49: GOLDMAN: Did you call John Bolton about this?


GOLDMAN: What he say?

MORRISON: Call the lawyers.

Yadda yadda, Gordon Sondland told Morrison Trump said NO QUID PRO QUO, but here is the following quid pro quo I want, and Morrison adds that he knew at that point that "investigations" meant "Biden" and "2016 election." It gave him "sinking feeling" to realize what was going on.

4:51: GOLDMAN: Lemme get this straight. You were a witness to 9,000 more crimes, and John Bolton told you to go tell the lawyers a lot to tattle them about what Trump and Sondland and all these crimefuckers were doing.


4:55: Time for Devinnnnnnn and his idiot lawyer!

Devinnnnnn starts by saying DEMOCRATS are doing a "drug deal" and the TV ratings are down for this hearing and ... what?

4:56: DEVINNNNNNNN: Did anybody ever ask you to bribe Ukraine, Mr. Morrison?


DEVINNNNNNNN: What about you, Kurt Volker?


DONALD TRUMP: I did it on the phone with Volodymyr!!!!!

5:01: GOP IDIOT LAWYER STEVE CASTOR: Has President Trump helped you strengthen Ukraine policy?

VOLKER: Well, he signed the shit we told him to do.

5:04: Castor is trying to float a narrative that the REAL reason Trump released the Ukraine aid was because Zelenskyy convened parliament and they passed actual anti-corruption measures, because we all know how Trump spent the whole summer talking about ACTUAL anti-corruption in Ukraine, and not Joe Biden.

It is dumb.

5:05: CASTOR: Tell us about your meeting with Trump in May about Ukraine. Say it in a good Republican way that makes Trump sound presidential.

VOLKER: Basically he cussed in a long string of words that I'm not sure were even English, said conspiracy theories about how Ukraine was out to get him, just kept barking "TALK TO RUDY! TALK TO RUDY!"

CASTOR: Did you know what Trump was talking about?

VOLKER: Kind of? I had a vague outline of the weirdass conspiracy theories he believes?

CASTOR: But you understand he REALLY believes them. (Because he is an idiot.)

VOLKER: I guess?

This is the GOP lawyer's time, y'all. #Productive

5:14: Castor trying very hard to paint a picture of late August/early September where everything was NORMAL and relations with Ukraine were POSITIVE. Morrison and Volker talking about how they were trying their damnedest to get the aid lifted before Ukraine found out about it WHOOPS THEY FOUND OUT ABOUT IT.

5:19: Why do we feel like this hearing, including the GOP lawyer's questioning, is a giant set-up to throw Gordon Sondland under the bus and run it back and forth over him several times during tomorrow's session?

5:21: Kurt Volker doesn't remember the July 10 meeting the way literally everybody else does, but says they broke up into small groups, so maybe Kurt Volker's small group was doing trust-falls while Gordon Sondland's small group was doing crime.

5:24: Kurt Volker says Volodymyr Zelenskyy didn't yap his flap about Trump making "demands" when Volker saw Zelenskyy just after the treason call, therefore NO PRESSURE OBVIOUSLY!

Kurt Volker also says his feeling about Trump's conspiracy theories is that if those conspiracy theories are going around, why not investigate them, just to make sure there's nothing there? That seems like a fine waste of time for a country that's trying to root out actual corruption!

5:27: Volker says he doesn't think he was involved in "bribery" or "extortion," but then again, he also didn't put together "Burisma" and "Biden" (allegedly) so we think Volker is half-idiot/half person who just wanted to make something GOOD happen out of all this crime spree.

If a beautiful bed of flowers grows on the scene of a crime, did the crime happen at all? Or did FLOWERS happen?

5:30: Morrison confirms that he didn't want the treason transcript to be hidden on the secret server that only holds state secrets and Trump treason phone calls, and when he found out it was put there, he was told that was a "mistake." He just wanted it hidden somewhere nobody would ever stumble across it, like next to Don Jr.'s junk.

5:33: Morrison sure does look around up in the sky a lot when he's "remembering" the answers to his questions. Know what they say about people who look around and up to the left when they are answering?

5:37: Now big conversation about why Tim Morrison has questions about Alex Vindman's "judgment." You know, the guy with the Purple Heart that Morrison worked with for like two months. Morrison's lawyers won't let him answer one of the questions, because it's shit that has nothing to do with this situation or what we are talking about right now.

5:40: Volker says Rudy Giuliani is not even an "unofficial channel," because he is not even anybody, and NOW WE TAKE BREAK.

5:48: As Claire McCaskill points out, these REPUBLICAN witnesses have not only said Joe Biden is fucking awesome (Volker) and also Rudy Giuliani is dangerous and sucks ass (both of them).

5:55: Hey, while we are ON A BREAK, here is a new Wonkette post about that lying DUI lady Stephanie Grisham!

6:01: And we are back! And we are NOT going to five-minutes back and forth between members. We are going to 15 minutes more from Dan Goldman, who says "sorry" and "oopsie" and "it's OK I'm cute" because he accidentally misquoted Kurt Volker.


Wants to know more about the readout Volker got of Trump's treason call, which was all blowjobs and daisies and didn't include any of Trump's crimes. Goldman notes that Volker, who really wants to fight corruption, didn't actually cite "corruption" in his text message the morning of the treason call, but DID cite "investigations.


6:06: Also, remember how Volker's remembering of the July 10 meeting with John Bolton was different from everybody else's? Could be because THEY TOOK NOTES and Volker didn't. He says he has no reason to doubt their notes.

6:10: By the way, Goldman's baby face is gettin' KINDA PISSSED and the gloves are coming off. He is tired of Volker's crap about how he didn't know "Burisma" meant "Biden" and "Kurt Volker is a perfect angel" and all that shit.

You wouldn't like Dan Goldman when he's angry JUST KIDDING WE LIKE HIM WHEN HE'S ANGRY.

6:12: Basically Volker's testimony is that this is kind of like one of those mafia things where people only know certain little parts of the crime, and that way nobody knows the whole crime, with the only difference being that Volker was involved in most of the parts of the crime, but still didn't know he was helping with a crime, because dipshit.

6:23: Fiona Hill told Tim Morrison about "the Gordon problem" before he took her place. Tim Morrison agrees that there is a "Gordon problem."

Kurt Volker also says he had NO IDEA what Gordon Sondland meant when he told Bill Taylor that Trump wanted Ukraine to PAY UP before he delivered the aid money. It's so confusing, being Kurt Volker!

And now Devin Nunes is MAD. He wants to know if Adam Schiff is going to do more "magic" 15-minute followups. Schiff reminds Dipshit they are only "magic" in that they are "written in the rules." Nunes says yeah well everybody is gonna turn off the TV now because BORED. Yeah, ADAM! Devin Nunes wants to watch regular prime time TV like his favorite shows "Cows Incorporated" and "Cow Big Brother" (trapped in a house with cows who scheme!) and "Cows Got Talent" and "Cow-gney And Lacey" (COW DETECTIVE!) and the "Cow-rol Burnett Show" and "Cow-lebrity Apprentice."

Nunes claims these are witnesses that THE DEMOCRATS wanted (these are witnesses the Republicans wanted, he is lying because it is not going well for the GOP). He wants to talk to the people who live inside Devin Nunes's conspiracy theories about Ukraine, like Alexandra 7-Layer Burrito or whatever.

Also, Devin AGAIN said the Democrats are doing a "drug deal," like he wants remind us that John Bolton called Trump's crime scheme a "drug deal."

Steve Castor just asked a bunch of questions but we don't give a fuck.

6:26: Adam Schiff is annoyed with Volker's magical lack of memory about the July 10 meeting John Bolton stormed out of, at which he testified that he thought Gordon Sondland's shit about "investigations" was inappropriate. Unfortunately Volker just cannot recall why it was "inappropriate"! Maybe there was an inappropriate booby picture on the wall.

Oh yeah, he says it's also inappropriate to ask a foreign country to investigate a US citizen or investigate a political rival. Does Tim Morrison also think that is inappropriate? Morrison says ... he does not.

But yet he ran immediately to the NSC lawyer to tattle, because he was "worried it would leak."

Remember what we said above about how Morrison should try to answer without looking up and to the left, like a liar? HE'S DOING IT RIGHT NOW.

What a fucking douche.

6:31: We do not know but we think they may run through this questioning pretty fast, unless Adam Schiff just decides to wear the fucker down. But we'll see.

GOP idiot moron Mike Turner is questioning now.

6:33: Mike Turner says Kurt Volker just TOOK APART THE DEMOCRATS' ENTIRE CASE, because the Ukrainians never told Volker personally that they wouldn't get any of the stuff they needed if they didn't do investigations for Trump.

We were not aware that the Democrats' entire case was about what Ukrainians told Kurt Volker.

6:35: Mike Turner is just making clips for Hannity now, ignore.

6:37: Tim Morrison says he doesn't think Trump "demanded" investigations from Zelenskyy, because Morrison is either an idiot or lying or both.

6:39: JIM HIMES: Hey Tim Morrison, did Trump say "Crowdstrike" (Ukraine server buried in backyard conspiracy theory) on his crime call?


HIMES: Did you hear him say "Biden"?


HIMES: Did you hear him say "corruption"?

MORRISON: Um ... um ... no.

HIMES: That's what I thought.

6:41: HIMES: Has Trump EVER talked to Zelenskyy about "corruption"?


6:46: Mike Conaway is JUST MAD, and he tells Adam Schiff that he understands that Schiff gets mad when people accuse him of knowing the whistleblower's identity, well Conaway gets JUST MAD when Schiff accuses Republicans of trying to out the whistleblower, just because they're trying to out the whistleblower, EVERYBODY LET'S JUST BE MAD!

6:48: This is a picture of Adam Schiff ignoring Conaway's rant while it is ongoing:

6:54: Terri Sewell just basically called Volker an idiot for actually thinking that Ukraine investigating Burisma to see if UKRAINIANS did any corruption might actually make Trump happy, because of how Trump gives so many fucks about "corruption."

Jim Jordan takes over to SCREAM about how he's offended when people call Kurt Volker an "irregular channel" and then pivots to Ukrainians saying mean things on Facebook about Donald Trump, which is the same obviously as Russia conducting a sweeping and systematic attack on the United States election.

If Jim Jordan was your stepdad, what tricks would you play on him to get your mom to divorce him and set fire to his Big Lots panties in the front yard?

6:58: Jim Jordan says these guys resigned because of what DEMOCRATS are doing.

We ... don't think that's it LOL (???)

7:00: OK, so Volker says in August Rudy Giuliani specifically wanted a statement from Zelenskyy that said "Burisma" and "2016 election," WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE, because Donald Trump just wouldn't be happy unless Zelenskyy agreed to investigate COMPLETELY UP-AND-UP things about Burisma (not the Bidens!) and VERY REAL things about Ukraine being the REAL COLLUSION in the 2016 election.

Yes. That is what we are supposed to believe.

And Jim Jordan wants us to believe that Donald Trump released the aid because the Ukrainian parliament met and passed completely legit anti-corruption items, because of how Trump is always just fighting corruption around the world, yep that's him.

7:04: Dumbfuck podiatrist Brad Wenstrup is SOOOO focused on how Vindman said he interpreted Trump's extortion of Zelenskyy to be a "demand," yet he didn't go and try to get "demand" put into the transcript. WHAT GIVES?

We don't know if all Republican congressmen are actually this stupid, but they sure do seem to believe it's part of their job description to pretend they are.

7:06: Also Wenstrup just asked some idiot-ass question about maybe Vindman went to the Intelligence Community Inspector General, oh God they are going to try out a narrative that VINDMAN IS THE WHISTLEBLOWER, HAS HE BEEN IN FRONT OF OUR FACE THIS WHOLE TIME?

Fucking hell.

Wenstrup also says the very same people in the IC community who say Russia attacked the election (which is all of it) are some of the same people who invented the RUSSIAN COLLUSION HOAX, Jesus Christ, is this guy trying to get a date with Elise Stefanik or something? "Look at me, I can idiot even harder than Jim Jordan!"

7:17: Uh oh, our internet went out! Must be the Deep State doesn't want us to liveblog you how these guys are TOTALLY EXONERATING TRUMP!

Anyway, Jackie Speier gave Tim Morrison the opportunity to amend some of his shitmouthed statements about Vindman being a leaker, and he didn't, because of how he is a loser dick.

After that Chris Stewart asked some goddamned questions, we dunno, Chris Stewart is as useless as all the rest of these Republicans.

7:23: Schiff would like to smack Volker around for saying that dumbshit earlier about how he didn't see any harm in Ukraine doing fake sham investigations into Biden and the 2016 election, if it made Rudy Giuliani shut up. "Doesn't Ukraine have ... enough real corruption to investigate?" Good question. Volker has more dumbshit answers about trying to "thread the needle."

Oh god it's Elise Stefanik right now, doesn't she have some chemtrails to follow or something?


MORRISON: Nope! I just resigned real quick for no reason!!!

7:26: Say what you will for these prevaricating dipshits (we mean the witnesses), but they are definitely giving Hannity the clips he needs right now. Bully for them.

With that, we are going to hand this thing to Rebecca because we want to go to gym and cook dinner and get rest because in the morning, SONDLAND COMETH.

7:30: HI IT'S ME! Good luck to us all.

Eric Swalwell is up and Evan can't even make a fart joke. Swalwell has some questions about like "what's your job Mr. Morrison" and Morrison says his job is to obey "all lawful orders." So ... how come he never asked the Ukrainians to investigate the Bidens?

That is pretty clever Mr. Congressman Swalwell! But Morrison does not get tricked into saying BECAUSE IT WAS ILLEGAL, even though he and everyone thought it.

7:35: Will Hurd to Morrison: You want to explain more about the thing you just dodged?

Morrison: MANY WORDS.

Will Hurd to Volker: Ever hear any treason?

Volker: Oh for sure no. Except Giuliani maybe, that guy's bad news!

Hurd: What's up with Sondland?

Volker: Just a sweetheart of a helpful fellow! So that is how we know Volker is lies :(

Hurd: No, this is your opportunity to embussen Ambassador Sondland and whatever drug deal he was cooking up like crack rocks in a blackened spoon.

Volker: Sorry I am sweet but pretty dim.

7:40: Rep. Castro, NOT JULIAN HIS BROTHER: Hey, so you guys both were hired by Trump right?


Castro: Hey, remember that phone call where Sondland called the president on his cell phone from the Kiev Arby's?

Both of them: Yeah, totally innocent probably. Best op-sec. BeBest people!

Castro: How come the president didn't use the materials you prepped for him, which were in accordance with official US policy, and got briefed by The Gordon Problem instead? How come you are the president's least favorite son besides all his other sons?

Morrison: My face is not as bad as those other sons though.

7:45 Ratcliffe I think since MSNBC KEEPS PUTTING THE CHYRONS UP OVER THE MEMBERS' NAMEPLATES: I'm gonna start on the "demands" again, because i am some bullshit, despite the fact that whether the president "demanded" it on the phone or not, Sondland (Volker? I AM NOT EVAN OR LIZ) said they needed the "statement" before they got their visit or their dough so whether Vindman thought it was a "demand" or an "ask" is NOT RELEVANT.

Aaaand now I'm gonna ask about the whistleblower and their "veracity" because IGNORE THE FIVE PEOPLE WE HAVE ALReADY HEARD FROM WHO WERE ON THE GODDAMN PHONE CALL. Now I am going to ask you if the call was legal and go for the Irrelevant Trifecta.

Morrison, to his credit: Sir, I don't know what is legal, I am not Ali G.

Ali-G...Interview with Richard Thornburgh about Legal

Man they got entire interdimensional black holes raining squids full of NOTHING.

7:55: Very fast speaking man whose name plate I can't read, MSNBC, points out that Zelenskyy enacted impeachment as like Number One Anti-Corruption Thingie I don't know, it's some pious bullshit about "impeachment is portant" and it is but meh yeah we know, A Republic If We Can Keep It.

Jim Jordan is here looking FUGLY but he is giving me the opportunity which Evan unaccountably ignored to post this screenshot. Jordan: Vindman, big trouble, Bad Judgment, right? Fiona Hill told you so, yeah?

Morrison: Yes sir, Fiona Hill said he was Bad Idea Jeans!

Let's go to the tape.

"Alex is a top 1% military officer and the best Army officer I have worked with in my 15 years of government service," Vindman read from the document. "'He is brilliant, unflappable, and exercises excellent judgment'—I'm sorry—'Was exemplary during numerous visits,' so forth and so on. I think you get the idea."

That is a very rude performance review from Fiona Hill for sure.

Jim Jordan yelling some shit about the call getting leaked, which is true if you call "the president released the READ THE TREASKJFKDA:T" leaking it. Don't care, he's butt.

8:00 Old Man (Dok says Peter Welch but now I think he was referring to the fast talking man before WHO CAN EVER KNOW): Is it okay to do hypothetical exactly like what the president did?

Them: No, "hypothetically" the exact thing the president did is not okay. We are GOP witnesses even though Nunes said that weird thing about us being "the witnesses you [Schiff] wanted" right after that other weird thing he said and the other thing and the other one. (I am talking about "MAGIC MINUTES" and "trying to make 'drug deal' a Democrat thing just like Lev Parnas (Igor Fruman?) made 'Fraud Guarantee' so google would bury 'Lev Parnas (Igor Fruman?) and fraud.'"

8:10: Maloney back being hot I mean smart and good at his job again. But not as good at his job as before.

8:10 VAL DEMINGS: Hey Mr. Morrison, how come you went to the CIA counsel instead of your boss, since some jackasses before made hay about Vindman going to CIA counsel instead of his boss?

Morrison: Your question is bullshit, I just wanted the lawyers to know about the perfect, perfect call, which was not concerning but I was concerned about it.

Demings asking my question: Why were you concerned if there was nothing to be concerned about?

Morrison: DURRR.

8:15: Schiff: Hey, you know how you guys keep saying the Ukrainians didn't even know they were being storted until the Politico story so no harm no foul? How about some lady's testimony that YEAH HUH THEY DID KNOW?

Volker: I would like to answer for Rebecca that someone should have brought this up earlier, because like FIFTY OF YOU kept lying it.

Rep. Krishnamoorthi: Mr. Volker, you weren't on any of these calls, like ANY of them, and even when you were present you didn't even know Burisma meant Biden, so why you acting like you know whether there was quid pro quo or not?

Volker: That's correct.

Krishnamoorthi: Mr. Volker, do you love it when President Shitmouth kisses John McCain with his shitmouth?

Volker: Nope! No shitmouth!

Krishnamoorthi: Okay, what if Col. Vindman is John McCain?



Nunes: "STEELE DOSSIER TELEVISION NOBUMMER CELEBRITY LEAKING NANCY PELOSI WHISTLEBLOWER 2016 REAL COLLUSION" you guys I cannot even with this. My captions say he says "salacious spice-screened comedy"? Makes as much sense as anything else he's said today.

Schiff: Since I am not actually a clown show but am a sober and professional person, I will just point out Volker's amendment of his testimony that NOW he gets that "investigate Burisma" means "investigate Biden" and that that would be bad. I am neither shouting uncontrollably about "magic minutes" nor sweating while trying to lick my own balls. I am not even insulting these guys who lied a bunch, just quietly making my disappointed face and thanking them instead while pointing out their damning testimony. Isn't that something. And now I am going to explain "what is bribery" because I AM a common Ali G who knows what is legal. Just gonna wrap you all up in a bow and splain "official acts" and their significance. And NOW I am going to get a bit "heated" if you will permit while I talk about my colleagues who only want to out the whistleblower because the president got CAUGHT. And now I am going to be UNHEATED. And now I am HEATED again.

Come on, Schiff, let's wrap, Shy and Donna Rose and Old Dad are eating their carne asada and I ain't got no carne asada.

ADJOURNED! And nobody in the world is giving these assholes a standing ovation.

Crowd erupts in standing ovation for Yovanovitch at impeachment

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