Now Is The Time For All Good Wonkers To Come To The Aid Of Our Dick Jokes
Hello there, beautiful wonderful Wonkers we love! You are looking very intelligent today! Is that a new sweater? We need money.
We know, we always need money. But usually we need money for, like, nice wine and fancy trips to garage sales. Today, we need money for payroll.
Here, let me ask me some questions for you.
What the fuck and how did this happen, we thought you were such a good businessman?
ME TOO! I was all, oooh, look at all this piles of money I am making, I will hire more people, at a living wage, look at me being pretty and rad! Then, April hit, and May, and June. The first few months of the year were so awesome, we could ride out losing about $10,000 a month. Then July came, and August. And September's worse. Shy and I last took a salary in March, and we are plumb out of money.
Do you have even worse news, for which we should be ready?
I DO. We've had to let Robyn go because "last hired first fired," which fucking sucks, and this is her last month with us. If you have a job for her, she might take it! She is sad, and we are sad, and she'll stick around for some freelance probably, but as a grown up woman professional writer, she usually commands a lot more than we offer.
And you STILL can't make the rest of your payroll?
Gah. Yes. We're thousands short for Dok and Evan this month. And next month. And God only knows after that. Dok, being a sweetling, keeps offering to take a paycut. We would rather not let him! But honestly, at our current burn, not only are paycuts in the offing, more layoffs are too.
Whoa, this is serious?
Yes. This is serious. We've asked you for money before for emergencies here and there -- and you've always come through! -- but we've never not been able to make payroll. We're seven thousand dollars short for our payroll this week, and next month's not going to be any better.
Why don't you tell us some real money numbers?
We usually make between $15,000 and $25,000 a month from our stupid ads that you and we hate. $25k is a WHOO-BOY month! $15k is a crap one! Since April, we've made less than $15,000 each month, and even with the new ads, we've been hitting less than $12,000. In the meantime, our Wonkers average about $8,000 a month in donations, ad-fewer subscriptions, and Truck Fump t-shirts. We don't know of anyone who's as reader-supported as we are, but that amount has to at least double -- and we're not against it quadrupling -- in order to keep paying our writers (and start paying us).
When I say we're in trouble, I'm not just spouting shit like I'm Oral Roberts. Which reminds me, in 7th grade speech club I did a fake newscast about Oral Roberts being called home to God. THAT IS WHAT GOOD HANDS WONKETTE IS IN. Seventh grade! My god! I'm amazing! (Also, I won.)
That sounds embarrassing. Are you embarrassed?
Well, not about the Oral Roberts part! As to the rest of it, fuck yeah I am! Money-begs are supposed to be for expanding, and new hires, and fun things we made you because we are bitchen, not for sadness and shame!
But you know what, though? We just went to Portland, on the way to Shy's dad's memorial service, and Wonkers there threw a party. Not because we were coming -- we crashed it! They threw a party because this is a for real good community, full of smart, fun, interesting people who dig our brand of our news-based humor and humor-based news, and who've found a place of generous, warm, a-little-bit-evil-but-not-that-much weirdos with whom to hang out and go (a little bit) less crazy. The Portlanders brought the most beautiful things from their gardens you ever have seen. They were beautiful people inside and out -- and their tomatoes were better.
We know the few hundred of you who regularly comment, and the 2000 of you who give us money every month. (We see you in our Paypal; hell, if you've been at it long enough, I could probably tell you what town you live in when I see you at our party and kiss you on your face.)
But there's another 900,000 of you though who dip in a few times a month for a taste. And we know what we do matters to you too, and we trust you will be here for us.
Well, at least you're not Donald Trump. That guy just never pays anyone.
I know, fuck him, right? He gets em both ways: borrowing money he never pays back, and hiring workers he never pays at all. What a fucking dick he is. Probably sleeps like a baby with very small hands.
Yes, now we remember our common enemy, who is not you. Now how can we help?
Okay! There are things you can do! You can sign up for your ad-fewer wonkette right here, and then we won't feel guilty about all our bad ads! (First, sign up there. Then, it'll take you to Paypal where you'll click one of the amounts ending in .99, like $4.99 or $9.99, etc. If you're already contributing a monthly donation, and you want to take advantage of ad-fewer, that's great! Now I won't feel terrible! You just have to register above and then change your monthly amount from, say, $5 to, say, $4.99, because we set it up dumb and they're tracked differently. When you've done all that, don't forget to log in where it says members, and log in again when your cookies expire which will be every month or so.
Don't like Paypal? Send us a check for at least several months' worth of ad-fewer at
PO Box 8765
Missoula MT 59807
Include the username you're registering and your email so we can shoot you a note when you're all switched on!
I already have ad-block. I like to go into the comments and suggest everyone else get it too.
If you're an ad-block person, we get it. Please consider making a recurring donation of a buck or two or ten a month, and we'll call that even. Telling everyone else to get ad-block is a dick move though, bro. You should try to cut that out!
Is it me? Is there something wrong with me? I can't log in to ad-fewer!
Not just you! Fucking plugin did a stealth update without telling us, and people who joined at silver or higher were all having them a little clusterfuck trying to log in. THEY'RE ALL FIXED NOW, but if you made a bunch of accounts in the meantime, and need me to refund a few of them, email me at email@example.com!
We can still just send you money?
Yes, you can just send us money.
What about those games you made, Election Game of US America Elections: The Wonkette US Election Game? Should we buy those?
Oh god yes. We'll get our shipment by the end of September, and we'll be sending them out to all of you who preordered. But we also have about a thousand left, and honestly we didn't make dick on the whole thing despite all your lovely kickstarter donations. Selling those extra ones would help us a lot! They're $29.99 and they include free shipping if you're in the US. Dirty foreigner? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I'll look up your dirty foreign shipping for you.
Are you tired of telling us all the ways we can buy things?
Yes, but still, go to the Bazaar if you want to, and our Redbubble store if you want to, and maybe buy things through the Amazon link in the siderail if you're going to be buying things on Amazon anyway, and DEFINITELY sign up for solar and or wind power from our friends at Arcadia; dude, they have a version that's FREE.
We are a really rich person with money to burn. Not so much a question, we just like mentioning it.
I am dead serious, give us a whole fuckload of money, and we will paint your name on the back of the Wonkebago. Give us more, and we'll put your name above our logo on the site. "Wonkette brought to you by George Soros" has a sweet fucking ring to it. Man, your name looks FANTASTIC.
We are really poor for real, you don't want our widow's mite, do you?
NO! Do not send us money if you are a poor! We are young and strong and will figure it out! But what you can do is share all the wonkette stories from your Twitface. (On Facebook, it's even more helpful if you share it directly from our Facebook page.)
Because you know what? Fuck USUncut and all those other bullshit-lie websites with their millions of fucking readers sucking down their bullshit-lie headlines. WONKETTE NEVER LIES (and when we do get shit wrong, we fess up immediately), and WE SHOULD BE WAY MORE HUGER. So, help us do that please. Strike a blow for dick joke integrity! Share share share! There, now you have given!
This post was depressing, be moar funnier
Baby, we'll do anything for you.
Fuck you, we hated that even worse. Give us baby pix instead.
roadside blackberries yum yum yum
Now dance, veal, dance!
Had about enough out of you, pally. But okay!
Okay we were just kidding. We CAN'T HELP BEING TERRIBLE.
I know, honey. Me too.
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.