Now Is The Time On Sprockets Where Gordon Klingenschmitt Exorcises Everyone Who Hates Trump
Former Colorado state legislator and internet-elevangelist Gordon Klingenschmitt (his name is my name too) knows why we hate Trump. Is it because he is a terrible person and a terrible President? Is it because he says horrible things all of the time? Is it because he had the motherfucking gall to refer to Aretha Franklin as someone who worked for him?
No! It is actually because we are chock full of DEMONS. Here, let Dieter explain:
"I'm sure those who suffer from Trump Derangement Syndrome look at the president and say, 'He must be demonized because he makes me feel so anxious inside,'" Klingenschmitt explained. "But, again, these are people who are deranged, so are they properly discerning the evil spirit inside of President Trump? No. Because of their derangement, because of the demons inside them, they project their anxiety on to someone else who might be causing their anxiety. But it's not inside the president—if anything, he might be influenced by the spirit of God sometimes—the demon is inside of those who welcome this fear and this anxiety."
"So if God didn't give you a spirit of fear and anxiety and derangement, but you're feeling this spirit of fear and anxiety and derangement inside of you, is that coming from God?" he asked. "No, it's coming from the devil and the demonic spirit of fear inside of these people who have Trump Derangement Syndrome may require an exorcism."
An exorcism, you say? So if you, Gordon Klingenschmitt, throw some holy water on me while yelling "The power of Christ compels you!" at me a bunch, I'll spit out some pea soup, do some gymnastics down the stairs and then I'll be 100% chill with throwing children in detention camps where they get sexually assaulted? Is that how that works? Are my demons like, super moral demons? Is that a thing?
I have another question though, for Gordon. If it's demons that cause "fear and anxiety" then why are Trump's supporters so afraid of ... well, everything? They're terrified of Mexicans and Muslims, they have anxiety over not getting to feel as special as they once did for just being a white person, they're scared of baking cakes for transgender folks, they're scared of pizza joints ... they're scared or anxious over practically everything! Are they also filled with demons? How can you tell, really? Is there some kind of demon-specific fear and anxiety that is different from other kinds of fear and anxiety? I wouldn't know!
It's gotta be pretty soothing though, at least, to be very sure that the only possible way anyone could disagree with you would be that they are possessed by demons. That probably does relieve a lot of (non-demon-induced) anxiety, and likely completely eliminates thoughts like "Could it be me? Could I be wrong?"
We leave you to ponder these questions, and more, in this, your OPEN THREAD! You've been great, don't forget to tip your Wonkettes on the way out!
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse