New York Times Convenes Panel Of Macho Men Whining About Being Cancel Cultured By Sissies

New York Times Convenes Panel Of Macho Men Whining About Being Cancel Cultured By Sissies
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Opinions are like assholes — everyone's got one, and eventually they all wind up featured in the New York Times. This morning the paper of record showcased eight of them in a piece headlined, "These 8 Conservative Men Are Making No Apologies." The men were interviewed by Republican pollster Kristen Soltis Anderson about why they're so disaffected, and, hey, spoiler alert, it's because you all are a bunch of sissies.

"This country has become more feminized. It’s not the way it was when I was growing up. We started off talking about how the country has a weak image. They don’t call women the weaker sex for no reason. Men are necessary to maintain a vibrant society. And we’ve been feminized," complained Tony, a 72-year-old white retiree from Massachusetts. "No offense."

No offense!

"There’s men, and there’s women, and there’s masculinity, and femininity. And there’s no reason to destroy one in order to make the other one better. I’m not trying to get into a negative men-versus-women thing, but I’m seeing masculinity under attack," agreed Danny, a 47-year-old Middle Eastern man from Florida who went on to express his disgust at "men wearing tight skinny jeans, with no socks and velvet shoes" and "some of the younger generation wearing very feminine clothes, blatantly feminine clothes — so much so that we are almost trying to portray masculinity as negative."

Kids these days, always attacking masculinity with their fashion choices! Maybe if they would just wear Levis 501s like "normal" manly men, there would be no war in Ukraine.

"To me, the stuff that’s going on with Ukraine — the United States hasn’t filled our role as being masculine as a nation in that aspect. And that’s why Putin is doing what he’s doing, because when you don’t step up into certain roles, then the stronger person is going to take over. In past times, we’ve taken a leadership role, and to me, we’re not taking a leadership role," said Robert, a 50-year-old Black man from Texas.

It's like a room full of Archie Bunkers wailing for the days when "Girls were girls, and men were men." Except the whole point of "All in the Family" was that social change was inevitable, and none of these guys is remotely in on the joke. Asked for "good examples of masculinity or manliness these days," the group offered Denzel Washington, Jason Statham, and Tom Brady.

"This is not the America I remember growing up in, and it’s just sad to see what’s going on," said Joe, a 37-year-old white guy from New York whose biggest concern about America is that it's "weak."

Joe pines for the good old days with Mayor Giuliani, despite the fact that he was only 16 when Rudy wandered off to do whatever the hell it is he's doing now. Joe is also conflicted about Andrew Cuomo, whom he "couldn't stand," but whom he sympathizes with because he was hounded out of office by the "mob," and "maybe he was really trying to have a relationship with one of these women."

None of the men believe that racism or sexism is a major problem today, with Krupal, a 22-year-old Asian man from Maryland, insisting that women are actually at an advantage compared to men.

"It’s like, you’re a woman, you’re given a trophy. If a guy does something, it’s not a big deal. If girls do the same thing, it’s like, you go! Girl power!" he scoffed. "I think her gender plays a bigger role, and it gives her more advantage these days — be it career or anything."

The group was uniformly concerned about crime rates, which have declined precipitously in the past 25 years, although that news appears not to have reached them.

"You’re not free to be yourself anymore because of crime. You’ve got to be concerned about 'If I go out, am I going to be a victim of crime?'” said Robert, a 50-year-old Black man from Texas, where crime is at a historical low, as it is in Orlando, where Michael, a white 67-year-old retiree, expressed the same sentiment.

But the greatest crime of all was of course cancel culturing them for their bad opinions.

"I would say you’re not allowed to be free anymore. Due to the internet and social media, a bunch of trolls have gotten so much power. They’re constantly out there to play gotcha. So you got to be cautious," lamented Krupal.

"I voted for Trump. I like Trump from when he was with “The Apprentice.” I knew him as a businessperson. That’s why I voted for him. And then — oh, Lord — from church to every place, people just had a problem with it," agreed Robert. "You can’t have a different viewpoint."

They all expressed pride in their roles as husbands, fathers, providers, and family men, while simultaneously lamenting the younger generation's choices.

"We are the most selfish, self-centered, entitled culture. Everything is me, me, me," grumbled Danny without irony, just moments after complaining about being oppressed by having to look at dudes in pink shoes.

In short, the whole thing is ridiculous. Which is not to say that the Times was wrong to run it — and it's certainly more useful than yet another Cletus safari to yet another diner in Pennsylvania. But these men who profess to be making enormous sacrifices for their beloved families have pretty low regard for their children's preferences. It seems not to have occurred to them that the country does not "belong" to them any more, to the extent that it ever did.

And just as our parents had to hand over the keys and let us drive, the time is coming for us to let our children run the place. Because if the kids want to wear tutus and use non-binary pronouns, then that is the right choice because the choice is theirs and not ours. Indeed, it is the height of selfishness to insist that you can freeze time, deny progress, and dictate the rules forever, all the while whining that you've been cancel-cultured because people have the nerve to tell you your ideas suck.

The kids don't need an apology. They need us to take our feet off their necks and let them lead. The sooner, the better.



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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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