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Obama Chooses Horribly Dangerous Setting For Election Night Speech, Yay!

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We commend the Secret Service agents assigned to Barack Obama, who have to put up with all of this INSANE crap he always announces a mere couple of weeks before big events, such as, "let's not hold this historic rally in a safe, easily securable arena, let's have it in a HUGE OPEN-AIR PLACE WITH GUNS EVERYWHERE." Because the Obama campaign has chosen Chicago's Grant Park, an enormous FIELD, as the venue for his election night rally, where he will deliver a speech, outdoors, in the dark. Why is Barack Obama trying to give everyone heart attacks? [The Swamp]

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One of the most common things to say in America, just behind "Happy Birthday" and "NO COLLUSION," is "Mitch McConnell should go fuck himself." It works for all occasions, whether you have just stubbed your toe or whether you are in the middle of your wedding to your sweetheart. Try it!

But why should Mitch McConnell go fuck himself at this particular moment? Let's look at the top three current reasons!

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Sucks to be you, Pat Shanahan! The acting Defense secretary is currently under investigation for preferential treatment of his former bosses at Boeing, who just got busted letting planes fall out of the sky if buyers skimped on the upgrades. Shanahan was never a favorite of Trump's, and now his chances of getting made Big Boy For Real Sec Def are decreasing by the day. Which means that he's going through all this shit for nothing! Womp womp!

What shit, you ask? Well! Last night Shanahan announced the first tranche of the "found" money the DoD is shifting over to fund WALL in defiance of Congress's constitutional spending powers. The Defense Department will be transferring the cash from accounts meant to support military personnel into "anti-drug funding," which they've decided means they can use it to build "18-foot-high pedestrian fencing, constructing and improving roads, and installing lighting within the Yuma and El Paso Sectors of the border." Already pissed off about the fake EMERGY declaration, although not pissed enough to override a veto, congresspeople on both sides of the aisle are hopping mad that the Trump administration dicked them around for months, shut down the government, forced them to negotiate for wall funding in good faith, and then said HA HA SUCKERS, WE'RE JUST GOING TO STEAL IT FROM THE RAINY DAY FUND ANYWAY!

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