Obama, Christie Tour Sandy-Hit Boardwalk And We Do Not Make Even One Fat Joke About It


It wasa scene to make the spirit of John Hughes weep tears of being dead: Chris Christie and Barack Obama, the founding bros of the bromance that has come to define the term, reunited at Bruce Springsteen’s The Jersey Shore — the very place where their first electric, forbidden tryst launched like $20 billion federal bucks at all the shit that got fucked up when God made the weather make Obama be president for four more years. For Christie, at least at first, it was any port in a storm. For Obama, it was probably that, too. But each man saw something in the other to admire: Christie saw a man who shared his passion for talking about budgets. Obama saw a man who, like him, struggled with the issue of whether gays are people. And oh, the wingnuts did howl again, like the winds of that storm we were talking about before. Also, Chris Christie beat a carny.

…At his own game! Not with his bulging fists of fury, even though that would be a much more funner story to write. Nah, it was just one of those games where some unsavory fellow barks abuse at you as you’re strolling pleasantly by the seaside, hoping that your fragile ego cannot tolerate even the feeblest challenge to your hand-eye coordination.

Clearly, both men were prime targets for such a ploy. Obama tried five times to throw the sportsball through the tire, but apparently he had left his mojo in Oklahoma, the previous stop on his “Fuck This Fuckin Weather, Jesus Christ Already” tour. Christie, however, managed to win with his first attempt, a reportedly lame toss that nevertheless won him a fine imported bear which he traded to Obama for several billion dollars. (Obama, as we know, is a poor negotiator.) Said the president of Christie’s hole-in-one: “That’s because he’s running for office,” then probably thought C’mon, that was lame, you can do better… hmm what would have been better? ‘Let’s see if you can do it again when you’re running for president!’ HaaahOoh funnel cake!

Then they both made speeches full of the usual tropes about coming together and got your back and open for business and you could probably write it yourself if you had any inclination, which you don’t, because why would you?

So that was yesterday. Today the president is going to Chicago where he will try and fail thirteen times to beat Malia at tic-tac-toe.



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