It's here, it's here, it's here, it's here, it's here, it's here!

Did you wake up this morning with that special feeling in your stomach, like you know that either Santa is coming today or possibly the apocalypse? Us too. But we actually feel pretty good, and are taking Wonkette's own advice to not wet the bed about it.

In Miami yesterday, Barack Obama closed out his Month Of Mocking Donald Trump Ferociously (and also campaigning for Joe Biden) by making fun of the fact that STILL, on Election Day in the year 2020, Trump is fixated on his tiny inauguration crowd size in 2017. Still!


OBAMA: What is his obsession with crowd size? [...] He's still worried about his inauguration crowd being smaller than mine! It really bugs him! He's still talking about that! Does he have nothing better to worry about? Did no one come to his birthday party when he was a kid? Was he traumatized? What's with crowds?

Obama added:

I've had crowds before. Had quite a few.

He was just saying.

It's funny because we're pretty sure children like Donald Trump aren't allowed to have friends or birthday parties or to ever feel like they were loved by other children or their own father.

Oh well, hopefully if America finishes the job today, we won't have to pretend we care about what series of unfortunate psychological traumas came together to make Donald Trump the broken assclown of a person he is today.

Instead of talking about the rest of Obama's closing speech, we thought this would be a good time to tell y'all a bit about what we think you can expect from election results tonight, and how things are going to go here at Ye Olde Wonkette.

Because yes, we will be getting election results, early ones, a lot of them, even with all these mail/absentee/pandemic votes.

The first polls close at 7 p.m. Eastern time, which is "time" in other time zones. Georgia, the Eastern time zone parts of Florida (which is most of it), South Carolina. Some others.

The New York Times notes in this handy guide right here that Florida counts fucking fast, and it has already BEEN counting its early and mail votes, for weeks. Once it starts reporting results, we should learn things about how Florida is going pretty quickly. The rest of Florida's polls, in the Trumpy panhandle, close at 8 p.m. Eastern

Georgia has also already started counting the mail-in/early vote. However, as the Times notes, Georgia is fucking slow. So.

At 7:30 p.m. the biggies are Ohio and North Carolina, both of which are also pretty fast like a common Florida, and have also already been counting their mail/early vote. We will know things about Ohio and North Carolina tonight.

At 8 p.m. big states up north like Pennsylvania and Michigan close. So does Texas in the south.

Pennsylvania is going to take fucking forever, they're only just starting to process mail/early votes today, and yeah, just ugh.

That said, Texas is a fast-counting state, the early/mail ballots will be reported very quickly, and we will just see if this is the year Texas decides to fuck Republicans the fuck up. We feel pretty good about it, actually, but we don't want to type any more words about it right now because we don't want to jinx it.

At 9 p.m. we get Arizona, Wisconsin, Minnesota, except we don't quite get Arizona then, not really. "This one will be frustrating," the Times explains. "First, Arizona can't even report its results for a whole additional hour, so don't even bother to check for the initial results." Which would bring us to 10 p.m.

The Times says Wisconsin may be "less frustrating" and that Minnesota's reporting will be "reasonable."

And so on and so forth, with Iowa and Nevada at 10 p.m., etc. etc. etc.

Anyway, we just wanted to give you an idea of what to expect for the first couple hours of the night. Point is, we are going to get results in short order that, when read correctly, will tell us something about how this night is going.

If you want to read through all the different states and their times and their rules, bookmark the guide from the Times that we've been linking to, and also this one and this one from NPR.

And of course Wonkette will be here with live coverage, analysis and dick jokes starting just before the first polls close, let's say 6:40 p.m. Eastern.

Bring booze, bring money to throw at Wonkette's faces as a thank you for liveblogging and also keeping you alive these past four years, and did we already say bring booze? You should bring booze. Thank you we love you.

There are zero (0) days left until Election Day. Let's make like a common Obama and go fuck that guy up. WITH VOTES.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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