Obama Dunks On Herschel Walker For America!

While Donald Trump spent the weekend posting treason on his Truth Social account, actual former President Barack Obama campaigned in Atlanta Friday for Democratic incumbent Sen. Raphael Warnock. Obama rained rhetorical body blows on perpetual motion scandal machine Herschel Walker. He didn’t hold back, and it was the closest Obama has come to publicly playing the dozens.

Obama told the assembled crowd, "Since the last time I was here Mr. Walker has been talking about issues that are of great importance to the people of Georgia. Like whether it's better to be a vampire or a werewolf.” Yes, that actually happened. Obama continued, "This is a debate that I must confess I once had myself. When I was seven. Then I grew up.”

Oh, it burns!


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“In case you’re wondering, by the way, Mr. Walker decided he wanted to be a werewolf, which is great,” Obama said, cannily dividing Walker between Georgia’s werewolf and vampire factions. Warnock has wisely not taken a stance on the issue, because it’s fucking ridiculous. “As far as I'm concerned he can be anything he wants to be — except for a United States senator.”


Obama wasn’t done, though. He mentioned how Walker was so offended that Obama would dare say true things about him.

“Since the last time I was here, apparently he claimed that he used to let me beat him at basketball.” This is seemingly yet another one of Walker’s fantasies, but his broken brain can’t keep his stories straight. As Obama pointed out, Walker later admitted the two men have never actually met. "So I guess this was more of an imaginary whooping that I laid on him.”

Someone in the audience suggested Obama could beat Walker at basketball. They’re both about the same height, though I think Obama has greater reach. We’ll probably never know because Obama has better things to do than play horse with someone who speaks less coherently than Mr. Ed.

Obama fought off laughter while discussing the whole werewolves vs. vampires and imaginary hoops dreams silliness, but he understands that Walker’s campaign is a serious threat. He only finished a point or so behind Warnock, whose brain functions normally. Walker forced his incumbent opponent into a runoff. That’s pretty damning of Republican voters.

“Listen, this would be funny if he weren’t running for Senate!” Obama said. “We all know some folks in our lives who — we don’t wish them ill will — they say crazy stuff and we’re like, ‘Well, you know, Uncle Joe, you know what happened to him.” Obama probably should’ve picked a different name for his example. “It’s OK. They’re part of the family, but you don’t give them serious responsibilities.”

Obama was perhaps overly generous to Walker, a credibly accused scumbag, because of his supposed connection to the Black community. However, according to recent polls, Walker is about as popular among Black voters as sickle cell anemia. Walker has just three percent Black voter support, which is less than Gov. Brian Kemp managed.

But Obama spared no punches with his closing argument: "When you spend more time thinking about horror movie fantasies than you do the people you want to represent, that says something about your priorities. When again and again you serve up bald-faced lies — just make stuff up — that says something about the kind of person you are, and the kind of leader you would be if you were in the United States Senate.”

Obama highlighted the sharp contrast between FBI secret agent unicorn wrangler Herschel Walker and Sen. Raphael Warnock: “You deserve a senator you can be proud of. Somebody who will talk straight to you. Somebody who will fight for you. Somebody who will garner respect in Washington. Somebody like Rev. Warnock, who’s been doing it responsibly and conscientiously and effectively — not just in the Senate ... but his entire adult life.”

Warnock is a leader Obama and other Democrats can honestly praise. Walker is a willing Republican patsy, who appears to be propped up in interviews like a ventriloquist’s dummy whose head was half-eaten by termites. He doesn’t deserve our pity, though, just our scorn.


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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