Obama Is On a Manic Medal-Awarding Spree

Greetings, skankarellas and skankarinos! What did you do this week? Award the Medal of Honor to a very handsome young man in uniform? Announce the recipients of the 2011 Medal of Presidential Freedom? Did you give a fucking medal to anybody, you worthless sack of European rabbit excrement? No, of course not, because you are a value-free bag of tiny turdpellets produced by the Oryctolagus cuniculus . Since you are such a disappointment, let us instead turn our eyes to feast upon the sexy black man who is our 65th president.

On Monday, the Muslim day of rest, Barack Obama did nothing but sit on his prayer rug and text back and forth with his BFF Osama about Dancing with the Stars .

On Tuesday, Barry gave the Medal of Honor to Staff Sergeant Salvatore Giunta, who repeatedly behaves like a class act in the media spotlight and who also is a hot piece of ass. Say what you will about the success or horrific failure of our mission in Afghanistan -- at least we're not sending UGLY PEOPLE over there.

On Wednesday, Obama announced that he would award the Medal of Presidential Freedom to a bunch of Obamacare slaves he is freeing just in time for the holidays. Congratulations, Jean Kennedy Smith, on being the first "Kennedy Smith" to make the news for NOT allegedly raping somebody on a beach (and for allegedly raping or attempting to rape three other women who were willing to testify in that trial but whose testimony was excluded, WHEEE!). Perhaps your acceptance speech will also include reference to that time you were reprimanded by the Secretary of State for retailiating against two foreign-service officers who disagreed with your leadership when you were Ambassador to Ireland. Or that you paid a fine of $5,000 to resolve allegations of an ethics violation. The Lesser Kennedys are sort of like the Greatest Palin, now that I think about it.

On Thursday , he talked about how GM is undead, like a zombie, and how this is a "good thing." "Our bailout worked, see!" shouted the president, while behind the lectern he gently stroked his member and thought of how hot it will be to give the Medal of Presidential Freedom to Angela Merkel, long an object of American presidential sexytime desires. (Here is a true story: once I was in Berlin doing the comedy and I was kind of losing the crowd because, I don't know, they were busy thinking of their superior auto industry. I made a joke about unwanted shoulder massages and WON! THEM! BACK! Let this be a lesson about how to do business with the Teutonic peoples.) Also, I guess, Rudy Giuliani was acquitted for 4,999 of 5,000 charges of terrorism?

On Friday, which is today (unless you live in some fucking foreign place like, I don't know, Australia?), Barack Obama sent a sympathetic love note to Joe Scarborough, who is being persecuted for making political contributions that would be the normsies at FOX or at The History Channel, probably. The note, which was handwritten in the blood of aborted angel fetuses (this blood is golden and pure, did you know?), said, "Joseph, you are my love and my life. You are my inspiration. You and me together can do anything, baby. You and me together, yeah, yeah." Then he texted Willow Palin: "Not 2 b mean, but like, that Tre kid IS a total faggot, amirite? LOLOLOLOL!" Then it was time for his nap.

Have a glorious weekend, you scumsucking shitbricks. Feel free to put your worthless weekend plans in your terrible comments. Maybe you should make time to do some heathen holiday shopping at your WonketteMart, hmmm? Or oh, I don't know, here. Or in Riley Waggaman's underpants drawer. These are all places sure to be full of filthy treasures.