Obama Will Have To Pry Donald Trump's Hairspray From His Cold Dead Sticky Fingers
That radical environmentalist Barack Obama has messed with the wrong furball, and we aren't talking about Bo or Sunny -- Donald Trump is not going to stand for Obama's sinister attempts to ban hairspray because of some mythical "ozone layer" that he wants to protect from global warming, which isn't real either. At a rally in South Carolina last week while you were all getting ready to get loaded for New Year's, Trump complained about the enormous hypocrisy of Barack Obama, who flies around in an "old 747" that's not nearly as nice as Trump's far newer plane, then griped about how the government is oppressing us in every last detail of our lives:
He talks about the "carbon footprint," and yet he'll fly a very old Air Force One, an old Boeing 747 with the old engines, you know, spewing stuff... he's got a problem with the "carbon footprint." You can't use hairspray because hairspray is going to affect the ozone. I'm tryin' to figure it out. I’m in my room, in New York City, and I want to put a little spray so that I can…but I hear where they don’t want me to use hairspray, they want me to use the pump. Because the other one, which I really like better than going bing bing bing, and then it comes out in big globs and it’s stuck in your hair and you say oh I gotta take a shower again cause my hair’s all screwed up, right?
Trump was pretty sure that hairspray can't hurt the ozone layer anyway, since his apartment is very well built and how could anything from inside even make it up into the atmosphere? That's just dumb!
We had no idea it was so hard to be Donald Trump, or for that matter to be suddenly transported back to the early 1990s when chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs) were actually being phased out of use in aerosol sprays and air-conditioner coolants because they really did damage the ozone layer. Which is a totally different thing from global warming -- the sort of distinction you might hope a president might be aware of. As the New York Times helpfully explains, Mr. Trump is a tad bit confused, but that's OK, because only a bunch of science nerds care about this shit anyway:
Aerosol sprays were actually phased out in the United States in the 1990s, years before Mr. Obama was president, and the ban resulted from the Montreal Protocol in 1987, signed by President George H. W. Bush, which sought to curtail the damage aerosol products did to the disappearing ozone layer. Since then, the hairspray industry has been able to find substitutes that produce the same misty effect of CFCs and aerosol.
Still, damn that time-traveling Obama and his skewed priorities! Trump went on to explain that the real threats America faces is not some completely fake "global warming," but the far greater problems are ISIS, China, and North Korea, presumably because Donald Trump can see them on his TV. You can't drop a bomb on global warming, so it isn't really much of a problem, now is it?
[contextly_sidebar id="j3X0Gee2jeI4lhrxmuP2tOrM6FKOPF21"]Trump's anger about consumer choices that have been limited by environmental radicals is surely on a par with Rand Paul's epic Senate testimony about how the government forces him to buy low-flow toilets that are simply incapable of managing the immense dumps he takes all the time. You'd think that two guys with so much in common would get along better.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.