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  • 'Hey mister president I got somethin' in my mouth i'm gonna stick down *your* mouth!'Republican time travelers have a very strong argument against Barack Obama's state of the union speech -- the speech he will give tonight -- and it basically goes like this: "Oh yeah, well then why doesn't everyone have a job?" If, by chance, he announces that everyone as of this moment has a steady job, because of Magick, they will respond with "Oh yeah, and how are we supposed to afford that?" This is a pretty good response, either way, probably, as America's political media and lobbyists and perhaps a few other oddballs here and there get ready for the anti-social event of the season. From Washington to Maryland to Northern Virginia, people who make their living from the political process will glumly/gladly watch Obama's speech as Members of Congress sit or stand or applaud or yell "You Lie!" Nothing compares to the excitement. One time about five years ago, this crazy lady grabbed George W. Bush by the ass and literally jammed her tongue down his throat for something like 45 minutes, while people cried over Iraq. Speaking of Michelle Bachmann, tonight she will give her own special YouTube crazy people "response" to Obama's speech. Desperate ninth-place cable news network CNN will actually put this on the CNN news channel, because they'll do anything in hopes of attracting another dozen viewers somehow, even if all these viewers are in a single senior-care ward in Florida. [NYT/LA Times]

  • Some "amateur historian" (blogger?) changed/forged the date on some Abraham Lincoln presidential pardon, because the "amateur historian" wanted to sell his book about the untrue thing. As a result, Marc Rich will get the death penalty. [NYT]
  • You may think you're chompin' a delicious anus-burger meat-lover's fourthmeal burrito down at the Taco Bell right now, in the morning, but a class action suit filed against America's Primary Feeding Station Chain alleges "the 'taco meat filling' used by Taco Bell contains only about 35% beef, with binders, extenders, preservatives, additives and other agents making up the other 65%." So you're only eating 35% diseased, rendered, antibiotic/fertilizer-impregnated cow anus. How are you even getting around, when you're robbed of 65% of your primary nutrient? [NY Daily News]

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This weekend, hundreds of people are gathering in Denver, Colorado for the 2018 Flat Earth Conference -- two whole days of people with suspiciously Andy Warhol-like hair yelling "Where's the curve?!?" and talking about ice walls -- and we are missing out! Flat earthers are kind of the best of all conspiracy theorists, because aside from a few fascists and anti-Semites in the mix, they are mostly harmless cranks who just want to feel like they are way smarter than all of the scientists. As far as I know, believing in a Flat Earth, while stupid, has never hurt anyone -- which is honestly kind of refreshing these days!

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Every so often on this here internet, we get a hate read that is so perfect, that so aptly encapsulates a particular form of douchebaggery that we all must collectively gasp at it's awfulness and revel in the general repulsiveness of the arrogant human being so lacking in self-awareness that they actually thought it would be a good idea to write such a thing. Today, I bring you such a hate read -- Matthew Binder's A Glimpse Into the Ideological Monoculture of Literary New York.

And yes, it's actually worse than it sounds, if that is possible.

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