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  • 'Hey mister president I got somethin' in my mouth i'm gonna stick down *your* mouth!'Republican time travelers have a very strong argument against Barack Obama's state of the union speech -- the speech he will give tonight -- and it basically goes like this: "Oh yeah, well then why doesn't everyone have a job?" If, by chance, he announces that everyone as of this moment has a steady job, because of Magick, they will respond with "Oh yeah, and how are we supposed to afford that?" This is a pretty good response, either way, probably, as America's political media and lobbyists and perhaps a few other oddballs here and there get ready for the anti-social event of the season. From Washington to Maryland to Northern Virginia, people who make their living from the political process will glumly/gladly watch Obama's speech as Members of Congress sit or stand or applaud or yell "You Lie!" Nothing compares to the excitement. One time about five years ago, this crazy lady grabbed George W. Bush by the ass and literally jammed her tongue down his throat for something like 45 minutes, while people cried over Iraq. Speaking of Michelle Bachmann, tonight she will give her own special YouTube crazy people "response" to Obama's speech. Desperate ninth-place cable news network CNN will actually put this on the CNN news channel, because they'll do anything in hopes of attracting another dozen viewers somehow, even if all these viewers are in a single senior-care ward in Florida. [NYT/LA Times]

  • Some "amateur historian" (blogger?) changed/forged the date on some Abraham Lincoln presidential pardon, because the "amateur historian" wanted to sell his book about the untrue thing. As a result, Marc Rich will get the death penalty. [NYT]
  • You may think you're chompin' a delicious anus-burger meat-lover's fourthmeal burrito down at the Taco Bell right now, in the morning, but a class action suit filed against America's Primary Feeding Station Chain alleges "the 'taco meat filling' used by Taco Bell contains only about 35% beef, with binders, extenders, preservatives, additives and other agents making up the other 65%." So you're only eating 35% diseased, rendered, antibiotic/fertilizer-impregnated cow anus. How are you even getting around, when you're robbed of 65% of your primary nutrient? [NY Daily News]

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The great journalists at the National Enquirer regularly sent advance digital copies of stories about Donald Trump and his political opponents to Michael Cohen, according to a story in the Washington Post, which cited "three people with knowledge of the matter" as sources. Probably Trump was one of them, you know how he is.

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Times have been tough for those Trump supporters who are fine with his rampant bigotry but are discovering he's going to screw them like any number of non-wife-like women he totally swears he's never met.

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