Oh Christ, Would You Just Look At These Assholes?
This weekend, hundreds of America's most aggressively unattractive human beings donned their fanciest pleated khakis and polo shirts and descended on Charlottesville, Virginia, in order to protest god knows what. Something having to do with a Confederate statue being torn down.
Last night, armed with tiki torches from Pier One (as we all know, the heroes of any story are the townsfolk with the torches), these douchebags kicked off the #UniteTheRight rally by marching around the UVA campus chanting "You will not replace us" and the ol' Nazi slogan "Blood and Soil" and "White Lives Matter." Some were also chanting "Jews will not replace us," because of course they were.
I don't know. Can we replace them with less awful human beings with better fashion sense? Because if so, I am totally down. If we're replacing them with other Nazis, then NO THANKS. I will pass.
For real though. Just look at these people.
Rally organizer Jason Kessler is known to complain about "White Genocide," but had some trouble explaining exactly what that even was when pressed.
MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S NOT A THING??
See, as a white person -- I think? I mean, I'm honestly not sure that Southern Italians make the cut with these people and I really don't want to do whatever research it takes to find out -- I can fully assure them that whatever it is they think "fighting for white interests is," that it is not an interest of mine. Or, of literally any other white people I know personally. Those are the "interests" of a very specific group of white people. A group of white people that no one wants anything to do with. Because they are terrible people who want terrible things.
In fact, I think they really ought to come up with another term for who they are and what it is, exactly, that they are so very proud of.
This guy seems to have a good suggestion.
Allow me to point out here that these twatwaffles are all carrying the flags of LOSER COUNTRIES that lost wars to the United States of America. Neither Nazi Germany nor the Confederacy exist anymore, because they lost. We beat them, ok? And if a bunch of basement-dwelling internet trolls think they're going to win this time by carrying tiki torches and crying about "white genocide" on the internet? Well, I welcome them to try.
I mean, they can't even win against Airbnb or rent port-a-potties, but SURE, they're totally going to refight WWII and the Civil war and win this time. Led by Richard Spencer and a dude who calls himself "Baked Alaska." Good luck, Nazis!
They're still marching today, alongside armed militia people, and trying to start fights with counterprotesters, and generally being douchebags. Notably, there are far fewer cops in riot gear than one would generally see at a Black Lives Matter protest or an anti-war protest.
However, the State of Virginia has since declared a state of emergency, so things may die down soon. Which means that KKK dude David Duke may not get to do his big speech after all, which would surely be a tragedy for all of us.
Donald Trump has yet to say two words about the rally, and no one expects him to.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse