Oh, Dick Cheney Has No Pulse, By the Way
Some doctor man (don't get near Glenn Beck!) wrote about Dick Cheney's Polly Pocket robot heart in today's The New York Times, and it turns out Dick Cheney no longer has a pulse, though he is stubbornly still alive. Dick Cheney's blood now just flows continually, like the River Styx. He doesn't need your lowly "pumping!" Cheney will probably be "urged to wear bracelets or other identifications to alert emergency room doctors" as to why he has no pulse, as it probably won't be the first reason that comes to mind.
The limited success has proved wrong the many experts who said people could not live without a pulse. The thought was that since the heart had a beat, that beat was needed for blood pressure and circulation.
No, no, Dick Cheney does not need such "human" things as a pulse to continue "living."
Doctors must use a Doppler machine to measure and monitor the blood pressure of such patients because it cannot be measured through standard cuffs.
Oh good, they will be able to see if he has any thunderstorms moving in. (No, as there is a constant storm of evil in there.) And if there are any suns or planets or such in there, they will be able to tell how many lightyears away from Earth they are.
But here is the good news:
Dr. Frazier said he had implanted a total of 170 such pumps as of June 1, more than any other surgeon. Of those, 24 were in patients 65 and older and 11 of the 24 were in patients older than 70. The oldest was 76. Nine of the 24 have died, and seven of the nine did not leave the hospital. Six of the 15 survivors received heart transplants. The remaining nine are living with the pump. The longest survivor at his hospital had an implant in his 30s and has lived five and a half years.
The odds are still in our favor. [NYT]