GET WELL SOON, WALNUTS. And go fuck yourself.


John McCain has brain cancer. We feel bad about that. Fuck cancer, for real.

But regardless of that fact, John McCain really needs to go fuck himself.

The senator hopped, skipped and jumped back to Washington on Tuesday to vote to open debate on letting Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump take healthcare away from millions of people. He was the 50th vote, which meant Vice President Mike Pence could swoop in and break the tie. Fuck McCain right in the gourd for literally walking onto the Senate floor, getting everybody to sign the cast on his face, then receiving standing ovations as he cast his "aye" vote.

We truly hope he gets better. We have souls, after all. We're not ogres like Arizona Republican Kelli Ward, who just really wants McCain to resign in a puddle of illness so she can put her fanny in his Senate seat. (She only feels that way for the MOST Christian of reasons, of course.)

As McCain began his grandstanding speech on the Senate floor, we thought for a minute he was about to resign. "Holy shit, John McCain is about to make the final vote of his career one to fulfill Mitch McConnell's Turtle Wet Dream Fantasy of literally murdering people with the free market? What a trollop cunt!"

But he didn't. In fact, his speech was kind of good in certain places, like when he literally called McConnell on his shit. So DISCLAIMER: while this is a GO FUCK YOURSELF post, there are also moments of giving credit where credit is due BECAUSE WONKETTE IS FAIR LIKE THAT. This part was OK:

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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