Today is Flag Day, when we celebrate the time Betsy Ross beat one of her slaves who was really good at graphic design until he came up with a flag that was suitable for a young, self-important nation. And we also commemorate that one time when Teddy Roosevelt beat up a guy who was blowing into a handkerchief that sort of looked like an American Flag. So how does one properly observe Flag Day?

According to experts, take the number of flags you usually fly and multiply that by two, then add three flags. If you usually wear a flag pin or t-shirt, keep doing that, but if you don't, you have to find somebody who hasn't sung "The Star-Spangled Banner" today and beat them up for disrespecting the flag on its special day. Here is how to display the flag with dignity:

1. Get an Army flag, too, from Big Lots or whatever. Israel flags are fine, too.

2. Throw the flag over the bar stool -- the one covered in baby vomit and cheeto dust -- and just lean on the American Flag, like a slob.

3. Wear pantyhose while jogging, for some reason.

4. If the flag touches the carpet, ticks could get on it. That's not allowed according to the Constitution.