Last week, when Matt Gaetz's stinkyboner scandal leaked out, we had to turn on Fox News on our actual television to see his interview with Tucker Carlson in real time. We try to never ever watch live. But we turned it on, and there was a commercial for Greg Gutfeld's new hilarious evening comedy show "Gutfeld!" There was some line about "CANCEL CULTURE JUST GOT CANCELED!" like that was something a normal person might want to watch. And we laughed, but only because seriously? This is what they're marketing to the racist shut-ins now? OK.

Fox News bought billboards and put them on Hollywood Boulevard, to let America's taste-makers know GUTFELD! is in town. He says he wants the show to feel like sitting at a bar with your (shitty conservative) friends. But he also wants it to work within the greater Fox News primetime lineup, coming as it does just after Laura Ingraham's white grievance hour:

"I don't want people to finish watching Laura and then go, oh it's time to watch the wacky hour! I don't want that," he says. "I want to be in their universe, so whatever the story is is going to dictate what we do, and oftentimes those stories aren't funny, so I am going to have to deal with that."

OK, so it's going to be funny, but maybe not funny. Got it.

Well, the show debuted last night, and as they say on the internet, "The Right is starting to get better at comedy, and it's making lefties nervous."


We don't have to transcribe it for you, because Fox News is just printing Gutfeld's monologues as opinion pieces. Let's see how hilarious last night really was. (Transcript may not be exactly as it ran on show, as Fox News explains the piece is "adapted" from Gutfeld's monologue.)

All right, here we are again, a brand new show and a brand new Greg. I'm as giddy as Kamala Harris explaining kids in cages or Woody Allen hearing about kids in cages.

Ha ha!

If you've been watching "The Greg Gutfeld Show" on Saturdays, welcome. If you love "The Five" and felt the need for more GG, that's awesome. If you ended up here because you thought your TV was the microwave oven, it's good to see you, Mr. President. Your pizza will be warm in two minutes, and Hunter, he brought the extra cheese.

Extra cheese! We get it! [No we don't, because Evan thinks it's about Ukraine moneys, and I think it's about Child Porn Pizzagate, and we PROBABLY can't both be right. — Editrix]

You all made a great choice. For proof, let's see what Brian Williams is up to right now over at MSNBC.

"Good evening. I'm Brian Williams and I am on Mars. Yes, I jumped on a chopper and now I'm on Mars. I've been here for a year now. I built a castle here made of mastodon carcasses and marshmallows. This is where I invented all the COVID vaccines, as well as penicillin, the smartphone and Fluffernutter."

Oh good, Brian Williams joke that is very timely and current! Go on!

Some things never change. Meanwhile, what's on CNN?

"You, sir, are a racist, racist, racist, White male racist."

That's from the Don Lemon hour. He reports the news with the same look your mother gave you when she found weed in your sock drawer.

Don Lemon hates white people! Don Lemon is mad at you like your mother! Don Lemon is your mother! You hate your mother!

As for those late night shows we're supposed to compete against, why bother? Who do they offend? The only time Stephen Colbert ruffles feathers is in a pillow fight. The definition of risk to Kimmel is dehydration from crying too much. Fallon, that guy fawns more than a herd of deer. And I heard Seth Meyers and Trevor Noah ran off to be obscure together.

Ha ha! Greg Gutfeld just called five guys faggots without saying the word "faggot" even once!

This is how you do comedy.

So let them be. They've got the market cornered on calling Americans stupid. To them, it was never about Trump. It's Trump voters. It's not about guns, but gun owners. It's not just about destroying statues it's anyone who thinks math is real.

Oh good, we've abandoned the "comedy" section and now we're just gonna do white grievance. That's what Fox News viewers were here for anyway.

The rest is some whiny-ass bullshit about cancel culture and Major League Baseball, and a "joke" about how Joe Biden, the "great unifier [is] now flinging racial discord like Frisbees at a fish show." Yes, at a fish show. Because Fox News is so culturally relevant it can't even accurately transcribe Greg Gutfeld's very timely joke about the band called Phish.

And this:

So screw you, MLB. Your stupid exhibition game is about as entertaining as a cornhole match on ESPN at three a.m. And screw Delta and screw Coke. In fact, screw all corporations. You stupid executives are cowards and bad golfers. You cheat on your taxes and you cheat on each other!

He's so mad. Seriously, watch him deliver that part of his "humor monologue."

Good "comedy" show, where you just say screw baseball and airplanes and soda, because you are mad at them! Screw them all! LOL!

Sooooooo ... conservative "comedy" still doesn't exist.

All the other late night hosts Gutfeld is so mad at/jealous of, everybody who does political comedy in competing time slots, they all have a certain vulnerability about them. It's not just spiteful meanness and resentful sneering for old white racists who probably fell asleep halfway through Laura. Seriously, who will watch this?

The best part of the show was the end, where other Fox News personalities joined Gutfeld to tell him what a piece of shit his new show is. Aaron Rupar from Vox said he thinks they were kidding, but TBH it's kinda hard to tell.

Look at it this way, Greg: Nobody expected this to go any better.

The end!

[Hollywood Reporter / Fox News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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