Oh No, Is Joe Biden Going To Spank The Lord Right On The Bottom?!
You know, it's one thing when a Republican president who is actually a Christian (usually not a very good one) decides to play Bible Wars with their Democratic opponent. It's infuriating, considering how they're total charlatans, and the most Christian president of the last 20 years was Barack Obama. But hey, sure, at least when it's a conservative evangelical Republican, they can speak Jesus-ese well enough to play that card without sounding like complete fucking idiots.
And then there was this thing Donald Trump said about Joe Biden today in Ohio:
TRUMP: NO RELIGION, NO ANYTHING! HURT THE BIBLE, HURT GOD! HE'S AGAINST GOD, HE'S AGAINST GUNS! HE'S AGAINST ENERGY!
That is an actual quote from total Christian Donald Trump, who once referenced "Two Corinthians" and who wouldn't tell Sarah Palin his favorite Bible verse during the 2016 campaign, because of how that's private information, like your Social Security number or your kinkiest sex fantasy. Also the guy who once autographed tornado survivors' Bibles in Alabama, because that's a thing men of the Lord do, when they're not busy grabbing them by the pussy and taking them furniture shopping.
You know, this guy, who is so good at "Bible" he holds it right-side up almost perfectlyduring an immature display of shitshow fascism, because his daughter brought it in her MaxMara bag as a prop:
So what's Joe Biden gonna do to the Bible and also to God? Is he gonna take the Bible behind the gym after 5th period? Is he gonna give God a great big KNUCKLE SANDWICH?? Is he going to give the Bible a wedgie and take its lunch money? Is he gonna stare Heaven right in the face and say "NO MORE MALARKEY"?
What's gonna do? He gonna sneak up on God while God is taking a nap and put God's hand in some warm water so God pees everywhere and then God will be so embarrassed and will never come to this summer camp ever again? He gonna call the Bible on the phone and do the whole "Is your refrigerator running?" gag, to the Bible, because of how the Bible is so gullible and always falls for it?
He gonna ring the Bible's doorbell and run away? Gonna sign God up for all kinda gay porn email lists? Tell the Holy Spirit how "Game Of Thrones" ends?
This comes on the heels of the Trump campaign getting caught editing a photo of Biden in an ad, to make it look like Biden is dejected and defeated, when in reality, the picture was of Joe Biden praying in a church. Good job, Trump idiots! Should we consider that ad an in-kind donation to the Biden campaign?
To be clear, nothing Trump said above sounds normal to religious believers of any stripe. Yes, we know, he is attempting — poorly — to speak in code to rightwing Christian bigots, and they will forgive him. Guys like Jerry Falwell Jr., with his unzipped grundle hanging out, who look at Trump not as a devout Christian but as somebody who will help them establish their dreamed-of theocracy, where the LGBTQs are banned and the abortions are criminalized — they'll forgive him.
But that's not the votes Trump needs to win. He needs normal people. Deranged ranting about how Joe Biden is going to hurt the Bible and hurt God and also hurt guns is not going to get him normal people. Normal people know Joe Biden has been extremely outspoken about his Catholic faith his entire public career, and they are not going to buy that he is going to "hurt God" or "hurt the Bible."
Speaking of Catholics, Trump said this to the Catholics on the EWTN network yesterday, when asked what message he wants Catholic viewers to take away:
Q: And if there was one message you wanted to say to our viewers, what would it be right now?
TRUMP: Well, I think anybody having to do with, frankly, religion, but certainly the Catholic Church, you have to be with President Trump. When it comes to pro-life, when it comes to all of the things -- these people are going to take all of your rights away, including Second Amendment, because, you know, Catholics like their Second Amendment. So I saved the Second Amendment. I have — if I wasn't here, you wouldn't have a Second Amendment. And pro-life is your big thing and you won't be on that side of the issue, I guarantee, if the radical Left, because they're going to take over, they're going to push him around like he was nothing.
Person. Woman. Man. Camera ... TV!
For the record, Biden campaign spox Andrew Bates responded to Trump's comments about how Biden is going to get God in a headlock and give him the noogie of all noogies:
Joe Biden's faith is at the core of who he is; he's lived it with dignity his entire life, and it's been a source of strength and comfort in times of extreme hardship. Donald Trump is the only president in our history to have tear-gassed peaceful Americans and thrown a priest out of his church just so he could profane it -- and a Bible -- for his own cynical optics as he sought to tear our nation apart at a moment of crisis and pain. And this comes just one day after Trump's campaign abused a photo of Joe Biden praying in church to demean him, in one of the starkest expressions of weakness throughout this whole campaign.
We don't think this whole Bible Wars thing is going to work out very well for Trump.
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