Oh, OK, Rob Ford Smoked All The Crack.


Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted today that he actually has smoked crack cocaine, as it turns out. Probably just slipped his mind. After a rather bizarre set-up -- "You asked me a question back in May, and you can repeat that question" -- Ford told reporters,

"Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine. I am an addict? No. Have I tried it? Probably in one of my drunken stupors, probably about a year ago."

Ford added that he's "made mistakes," and that all he can do now is to "apologize and move on." Sounds good to us! It's so nice to have all that unpleasantness behind us, isn't it?

Best new lie: "I wasn't lying. You didn't ask the correct questions." You know. Like the question back in May that he asked the reporter to repeat today. It was the wrong question in May, but it's the right question today. Also, he was too blitzed to remember anyone holding up a cell phone, so he wasn't lying when he denied the existence of a video of him smoking crack. Ford says that he'd like the video to be released so that everyone can see what's on it, if only to satisfy his own curiosity -- "I want to see the state I was in."

Toronto Star City Hall Reporter Daniel Dale tweets that the final question to Ford was "Are you drunk right now?" (check 2:15 -- we heard "Are you on drugs right now?"... Discuss!)

As for what happens next, we'll assume that it will follow the usual script, with a resignation, trip to rehab, and so on, but at this point, it's not clear exactly when -- Toronto's City council lacks the power to force him to leave unless he's convicted of a crime. Over the weekend, Ford was still insisting that he planned to run for reelection, which seems completely unlikely now, but then again, this is Rob Freakin' Ford, and he might actually try campaigning from a jail cell, like a poutine- and crack-fueled Eugene V. Debs.

Earlier today, in another moment of weirdness that was quickly overshadowed by the Mayor's admission, Ford's brother Doug Ford, who is on the City Council, called for the resignation of Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair, claiming that Blair "is the most political police chief we've ever had" and "needs to step down immediately." Who better to identify political bias against a political figure than his older brother? But wait, why was he biased against the Hon. Mayor Ford? Because he said he had seen the video, and was "disappointed." Which is the Canadian version of putting him in a FEMA camp. We guess.

Stay tuned: We guarantee there will be more fuckery before this whole sad spectacle is over. The one thing that seems guaranteed is that Rob Ford has already overshot "graceful exit" territory by several light-years.

[Toronto Star / Toronto Star liveblog / CBCNews]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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Yesterday afternoon, 45-year-old Gary Martin of Aurora, Illinois was let go from his job at the Henry Pratt Company, a factory that manufactures water valves. In response, he took out a pistol with a laser scope and began shooting at random. He killed five people and injured six others who were just trying to make it through the day at the water valve factory, and then the police killed him.

His mother said he was "stressed out." He "seemed fine" according to the clerk at the Circle K where he bought his cigars that morning. His neighbor thought he was a nice guy. Some people were surprised, others were not.

This kind of thing used to be shocking, but it's a story we're used to now. It gets repeated at least once a month. It's just what happens now, and we can't do anything about it because we can't do anything about gun control. This is, the Right has decided, just the price we all have to pay so they can stockpile guns for funsies, and take sexy pictures of guns shoved in their pants. This is the blood that waters their special tree of liberty.

It's fucking exhausting. And stupid. We shouldn't have to live this way. No one should have to live this way. But we do. Why? Because some day some yahoos might want to overthrow the government, which is (of course) a completely legal thing to do, and their "right" to do that must be protected. So it's literally just never, ever going to stop.

Gary Martin, like most other mass shooters, also had a history of violence against women. In 1994, in Mississippi, he was convicted for stabbing one. He should not have been able to get a gun after that. I would like to know how and why he was able to get that pistol with the laser scope that he killed five people with yesterday afternoon. Maybe someone gave it to him. Maybe he bought it somehow. Maybe someone forgot to do a background check. Maybe he bought it from someone who didn't have to do a background check.

I am so goddamned tired of writing this article. I am out of things to say.


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