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Oh, Orly, You'll Always Be The Birther Queen Of Our Hearts

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Wonkette alumsPareene and Newell have broken our hearts in so many ways over the years (mostly by leaving), but nothing they did was worse than getting our hopes up that Orly Taitz might actually be the GOP nominee for a statewide position in California. Obviously when actual humans without financial interests in political comedy stepped into the voting booths, 75 percent of them ended up picking someone else. Who is this so-called "Damon Dunn," and what makes him more qualified to do, uh, whatever it is the California Secretary of State does?


The first and most important thing you need to know is that Damon Dunn claims to have been born, and to exist, and to walk among us on Earth. But how can this be possible, if he doesn't even have a Wikipedia article? Orly Taitz has a Wikipedia article, with over 40 footnotes proving her existence! Naturally this led Taitz to claim that Damon Dunn wasn't legally qualified to run for Secretary of State as a Republican, because he didn't exist, and as a black man was probably born in Kenya, and also because he registered to vote in Florida in 1999 as a Democrat.

Uh, let's see, what else do you need to know about this dude? He's an ex NFL and XFL non-star player, he made a ton of money in real estate, he never voted before 2009, he has no opinions about "black box" voting machines or motor-voter registration (two actual vaguely controversial/important issues that pertain to the office he's running for), and blah blah blah, he's not Orly Taitz. Screw you Damon Dunn, we hope Orly has you deported.

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Donald Trump held another great big slob picnic in Orlando, Florida, last night, where he "announced" the "start" of his 2020 campaign, which will be exactly like his 2016 campaign except for the minor detail that he's actually been in the White House since 2017, which is really a bummer, man. Still, it's no reason he can't run as an outsider who vows to protect everyday Americans who believe he's just like them. The rally was a mishmash of the same damn shit he's said a million times before, and the rubes loved almost every minute of it except for the boring parts when he talked about stuff he's supposedly achieved in office, because not even his supporters care about trade policy or tariffs. They want an enemy, and they want to be told they and Trump will destroy that enemy together because they are the real Americans. So that's what Trump gave them, again and again, a feast of fear and resentment designed to get them to the polls. It was enough in 2016, and Trump thinks it'll do the job in 2020.

If there was anything new in the speech -- which was mostly Trump reading from a teleprompter, plus the expected weirdass asides -- nobody has identified it. He complained about the press and the crowd chanted "CNN sucks," and he explained what a threat to the nation Hillary Clinton is -- in fact, he mentioned her eight times during the 80-minute rant.

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Spinal Tap - Gimme Some Money

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