President Grandpa, Would You RELAX? Dems Will Never Stop Investigating You, And Your Whining Is Pathetic

SOMEBODY woke up on the same side of the bed he wakes up on every morning.

Oh, Mister President, take a pill and settle all 239 pounds of you the doctor decided to count last year THE FUCK DOWN! (What you do with the other 45 is up to you.)

Are the Democrats really going "nuts," as the president says with unnecessary quotation marks? Are they ... (checks insane rambling batshit tweet) ... stealing people who work at the White House? Did the Republicans never ever waste Barack Obama and other Democrats' time with investigations that went nowhere, unlike the Democratic investigations into Trump, which go EVERYWHERE? Is this ... PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT?

We will answer Trump's insipidly stupid yell-lies in this post, because we are a helper.

Trump has said "PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT" before, as if it's a thing that exists, but he's really been caught in that loop this week. He yells it like he's so PROUD of the words he made up!

Trump thought his State of the Union was going to be received so well. He thought he could slur his very poorly written words off the teleprompter and suddenly America would realize his greatness. He thought we'd bow down in fear when he made the most hilarious veiled threat to Democrats in Congress and Robert Mueller, or perhaps he thought we'd just be impressed that it kinda rhymed:

WATCH: Trump slams 'ridiculous partisan investigations' in State of the Union

If there is going to be peace and legislation, there cannot be war and investigation. It just doesn't work that way!

It was so stupid. Truly, it was one of the stupidest moments of his presidency, a high bar since we're talking about a president who literally thinks F-35 airplanes are invisible and who thinks he has a good brain because he knows which one is "camel."

It was the poor man's version of Richard Nixon's 1974 State of the Union, when that criminal president said this:

President Nixon's 1974 State of the

I believe the time has come to bring that investigation and the other investigations of this matter to an end. One year of Watergate is enough.

Hahaha OK, Dick Nixon, that'll be enough from you. And it was enough from him, because as Rick Wilson reminds us, impeachment proceedings started just weeks later.

America has had more than its fill of Trump's terrified, toothless mouth diarrhea, too. If he thought his little threat would do anything besides make everybody laugh, then he hasn't looked in a mirror at the putrid remains of his loser existence lately.

Democrats have not reacted to Trump's BIG BOY SPEECH the way he thought they would. House Intelligence Committee chair Adam Schiff held a votethe very next morning to send all the committee's witness interview transcripts full of lies down to Robert Mueller's office. Schiff also outlined the breadth and scope of the committee's new investigation, which is pretty broad. They're going to look at the Russia campaign stuff, the Russia transition stuff, the Russia inauguration stuff, and even into whether the president and/or anybody else in his orbit is literally an agent of the Russian Federation, witting or unwitting. EVERYTHING.

In response, Trump huffed and puffed and called Adam Schiff names. And Adam Schiff does not care. Neither do any of the other congressional Democrats, like House Judiciary chair Jerry Nadler, who is gathering all his wooden spoons to give fake Acting Attorney General Matthew "MEATBALL!" Whitaker a right good LADLING in public testimony on Friday. Or maybe Judiciary Democrats will just give Whitaker a swirlie in one of Meatball's special Big Peener Toilets, and that would be a pretty deep swirlie, because did you hear Big Peener Toilets are extra deep for Big Peeners? Oh yeah, and if Meatball tries to play hooky, Nadler's got a subpoena ready for him.

Meanwhile, House Financial Services chairwoman Maxine Waters is fixin' to reclaim her time all over Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin's FACE, as she works to bring him back and grill him on why he just un-sanctioned companies owned by Oleg Deripaska, Putin's favorite oligarch and Paul Manafort's former boss, who played some as-yet-unclear role in the enfuckening of the 2016 election by Trump and Russia.

Oh yeah, and Michael Cohen's coming back before Congress before he goes to prison, even though that got rescheduled this week. Don't worry about the delay, because Democrats don't seem to be worried about it. On Wednesday, Schiff said Cohen's testimony to the Intel committee had been rescheduled "in the interests of the investigation," and committee member Rep. Jackie Speier said on TV that it wasn't Cohen who asked to move the testimony. (Maybe it was Robert Mueller or the Southern District of New York! Maybe there's more coming down the pike for Cohen SAYS WHO!)

Did we mention that House Ways and Means Democrats are going directly for Trump's taxes? They're doing that. Steven Mnuchin thinks he has one weird trick to keep them from being released, but alas ... he doesn't.

In short, the Democrats are going to investigate everything. And Robert Mueller is investigating everything. And SDNY is investigating everything. And nobody fuckin' cares about President Can't-Get-A-Wall up there flapping his yap making threats.

And if the president is genuinely worried that Democrats won't have time to govern, he needs to relax, because elected Democrats are way smarter than elected Republicans, and therefore have a lot more capacity for multi-tasking. And lord, should we even get started on all the time Republicans have wasted on investigations that went nowhere, produced no results, indeed produced nothing of value? To put this as succinctly as possible, BENGHAZI EMAILS TRAVELGATE FAST AND FURIOUS WHITEWATER CLINTON FOUNDATION "RELEASE THE MEMO!" FILEGATE SPYGATE DID WE MENTION "BUT HER EMAILS" CLINTON FOUNDATION OH LET'S DO BENGHAZI AGAIN FOR THE TEN MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME MAYBE WE CAN MAKE HILLARY CLINTON SIT HERE FOR ELEVEN FUCKING HOURS BECAUSE WE'RE SO FUCKING OBSESSED WITH HER THEY SHOULD PROBABLY NAME A MENTAL DISORDER AFTER US ...

Yeah, um, anyway. And that was for investigations that, again, produced nothing. Meanwhile, Robert Mueller has gotten 34 indictments and guilty pleas so far, and that's not even counting tangential things like the indictment of Russian NRA spy Maria Butina or the very recent indictment of her 56-year-old balding pool boy Paul Erickson, which suggests that so much more is coming in cases related to them.

Indeed, we think so much more is coming with all of it. And maybe that's why King Dumpster Sharts up there is crying so much. Is something coming tomorrow? Should we be blissfully anticipating another episode of TGIFs With Robert Mueller? Is it a GOOD ONE? Perhaps Trump's very dumbest offspring, no not Eric, no not Ivanka, we mean Junior? Maybe it is that thing Ivanka married?

Oh well, guess we'll just have to wait and find out and watch Donald Trump's misery together, as a family!

In conclusion and in summary, Mister President, now maybe you know what Hillary Clinton feels like. Sort of. She was at least able to sleep at night, knowing she had never actually committed any crimes.

You, on the other hand ...

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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