OK Everyone, It's Time To Chill Out About Rachel Maddow RIGHT NOW JESUS CHRIST
For real, chill out, she is still your best pal.
Tuesday night, Rachel Maddow broke the entire internet when she tweeted that she had "Trump taxes" to share on her nightly TV program! The internet LITERALLY DIED OF ORGASMS like "What is it going to be? Will it be THE SMOKING GUN that brings down Donald Trump, and his little hands too?" Then, perhaps sensing that the internet was losing it a li'l too much in anticipation, Maddow's team tweeted a bit later that what they had was from Trump's 2005 1040 form. And they did! It was interesting! Read our liveblog here! It was the first two pages, and it showed, in very little detail, that Trump indeed paid some taxes that year, and it brought up more questions than it answered, quite frankly.
And ever since, Liberals On The Internet have been shouting "BURN HER," except they're liberals, so they're more like "TRIGGER WARNING FOR RACHEL MADDOW SUX NOW!" We think this happened for two reasons: 1) It was kind of underwhelming, or as much of Twitter apparently couldn't stop saying, a "nothingburger." 2) Oh god, we liberals are a bit exhausted right now, aren't we? Trying to keep up with the daily barrage of Bad Things the Trump regime is doing and trying to do to America really blows -- just this week, we're watching the disaster of Trump/RyanCare and maybe Trump wants to dismantle the executive branch of government, not to mention how the pieces keep trickling out on the Russia investigation TOO SLOWLY, JUST GIVE US THE GOODS, GODDAMMIT. Given the opportunity to jack ourselves into a frenzy with anticipation that maybe Rachel had THE SMOKING GUN, we allowed ourselves (literally, we are including ourselves!) to believe maybe just maybe Rachel Maddow had a story that was about to Change Everything!!!!1!!!!
Instead, we have a document that actually, in this one isolated instance, makes Trump look like a halfway decent rich person who paid some taxes that one time! Which immediately leads us to, AHEM EXCUSE US, did Donald Trump leak his own taxes like a common Russian pee hooker? Did he pick one of what we are imagining are very few returns that make him look pretty decent, creep out of the White House at night and pitter patter to journalist David Cay Johnston's mailbox and stick them in there? Lots of people think so! Even Joe Scarborough, co-star of MSNBC's "Morning Mika," who seems to have been experiencing some revelations about the Trump regime as of late, thinks so!
In response to the broadcast, Donald J. Trump, alleged president of the United States, is making no sense and having a conniption, if you'd ever believe such a thing. Before Maddow went to air Wednesday night, her show reached out to the White House to try to verify the documents, and the regime responded with a statement full o' butthurt about the "desperate" media that still confirmed the veracity of what Maddow had:
Also, last night, the oldest human being formed by Ivana Trump's egg and one of Donald Trump's spray-tanned sperm seemed to confirm the realness of the tax returns:
Oh, what gloating! (Dildo Jr. was also retweeting people like Mike Cernovich and Mike Huckabee, because he keeps really good company.)
So did Donald Trump leak this thing by himself, so that he and the real president Steve Bannon could curate their own outrage machine at the media, and also distract us from other stuff? MAYBE! But if Trump's tweet from Wednesday morning (AKA "this morning") is any indication, he's completely forgotten his own narrative, or his brain is broken, or he hasn't had his overcooked steak chunk breakfast or been burped or had his diaper changed, or WHATEVER happens in Trump's morning routine that makes him "fit" for being "president" for a whole day:
FAKE NEWS! TOTALLY MADE UP! What a freak he is.
As far as what this leads to, we don't know! Rachel Maddow is very, very correct when she says that the more of this tax stuff that comes out, the more damning it's likely to be for Trump. So watch this space! Or Rachel Maddow's space! At the same time, we have a lot of shit on our plate to focus on right now, like the healthcare debacle and (hooray!) RUSSIA HEARINGS (finally!) (maybe). And of course there's just Trump's continual eroding/destruction of American democracy/institutions/ideals. But Rachel sure did get all our attention last night, didn't she?
Look, did Maddow's team go a little bit too hard with the hype for this one? Maybe probably sure we guess -- although "sending two tweets" doesn't actually sound like that much overhype. We read into those two tweets what we wanted them to mean.
Unless James Comey tells Chuck Grassley today that he's got Trump on video getting a couple's massage with Julian Assange, we're probably not going to get #TheSmokingGun the way we all crave, at least not until it's been trickling out and trickling out and trickling out, until finally one day, it will be like "Oh holy shit, there it all is! INPEACH! INPEACH!"
Just kidding, #TheSmokingGun is the Russian pee hooker video.
(Or is it????)
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