OK Fine, Congress Will F*ck Up The Cyber Ninjas Now

This came up when we searched "Cyber Ninjas" and it seems about right.

Out there in the land of bugfuck, QAnon Arizona GOP state Senator Wendy Rogers — you know, the dumbass who wants to arrest Merrick Garland and gets stars in her eyes when she hears about bamboo ballots — has made a HEREBY DECLARATION, and it is that she's SEEN ENOUGH! Therefore it is time for Arizona to overturn the entire 2020 US American presidential election!

Yeah, God wasn't sending His best people when He made that one.

Meanwhile, equally dumbfuck Arizona Senate President Karen Fann has been out there conspiratorially saying that the official Arizona vote totals don't match the vote totals found in the Arizona Clown Fraudit — you know, the one led by the CYBER NINJAS who don't actually know anything about elections or ballots.

To which Maricopa County replied:

That is the funniest way we've heard somebody call an elected official a stupid idiot in quite a while.

There's probably more news from the land of bugfuck since we wrote this post yesterday afternoon, especially since Karen Fann threw a "hearing" about the "audit" on Thursday. (The live-tweet of it from that Maricopa County account up there is hilarious.)

But we're here to talk about something different, namely the great letter the House Oversight Committee sent the Cyber Ninjas this week. These people think they're holding hearings? They think they're doing an investigation? Let's have real hearings and real investigation, in the real Congress! Have fun with that, Cyber Ninjas and the whole fraudit team!

First thing you should know about the letter is that it was sent to the Cyber Ninjas' address, which is ... a mailbox at a UPS store. You know, because we're dealing with some real perfessionals here. It's addressed to the Cyber Ninjas' head Doug Logan, who is ... some guy!

It begins:

We are writing to request information about Cyber Ninjas' participation in an "audit" of nearly 2.1 million ballots cast in Maricopa County, Arizona, in the 2020 election. We are concerned about your company's role in this highly unusual effort, given Cyber Ninjas' apparent lack of experience in conducting election-related audits; reports that the company engaged in sloppy and insecure audit practices that compromised the integrity of ballots and voting equipment and were questioned by the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ); and evidence that you and other individuals funding the audit have sought to advance the "big lie" of debunked voter fraud allegations in the November 2020 presidential election.

In other words, they are concerned in that the only thing they have ample evidence of is that Doug Logan is a know-nothing conspiracy theory-obsessed assclown.

The letter notes that an actual real grown-up big boy audit of Maricopa County's results found an exact match between paper ballots and voting machine counts. It notes that the Maricopa County Board of Supervisors, which is 80 percent Republican, did not think this fraudit was necessary. And it notes that, instead of hiring actual experts, the Arizona state Senate decided to hire PRIVATE NINJAS! who seemingly have never done anything with an election in their lives.

And they have questions about who exactly is funding THE CYBER NINJAS. Is it just some carbuncle "reporter" from One America News and batshit Kraken lawyer Lin Wood and some other QAnon dark money clowns?

Reports indicate that substantial outside funding has come from partisan dark money groups. These include Voices and Votes, an organization run by Christina Bobb, a former Trump Administration appointee and anchor for One America News Network. Another reported funding source, Fight Back, is a nonprofit run by L. Lin Wood, an attorney who pursued failed litigation to overturn the 2020 election on behalf of former President Trump, promoted conspiracy theories linked to QAnon, and called for the execution of former Vice President Mike Pence. Another funder is America Project, run by Patrick Byrne, the former chief executive of Overstock.com, who has also sought to overturn the 2020 election based on unfounded conspiracy theories.

Then House Oversight starts making fun of THE CYBER NINJAS' practices in this fraudit. For instance:

  • The part where THE CYBER NINJAS shot ballots with UV light to find secret watermarks, despite how that's not how watermarks work and also UV light can hurt ballots.
  • The part where security practices for the fraudit, including the constant unsupervised moving of ballots, were just absolute shit.
  • The part where Cyber Ninjas used blue pens during the audit, even though any moron who's read Arizona's election process manual knows only red pens are allowed, because blue pens can fuck up the ballots.
  • The part where Maricopa County literally has to buy all new election equipment now, because the fucking Cyber Ninjas compromised all of it that badly.
  • The part where this shit has been going on for ... how many months now? Three? Seems like one million? And we were supposed to think it was crazy that cities and counties couldn't count all their votes by the end of election night, when these people who were clearly dropped on their heads as children can't finish in THREE MONTHS, and are still going?


The letter notes the fuckbonkers conspiracy theories Cyber Ninjas chief Doug Logan believes. For example, it references a document on Kraken lawyer Sidney Powell's website, written by Logan, what argues for the HUGO CHAVEZ STOLED THE ELECTION FROM JOE BIDEN WITH DOMINION VOTING MACHINES FROM BEYOOOOOND THE GRAAAAAAAAAAVE theory of election fraud.

And then the committee starts making requests for documents, so many documents. They want to know everybody with any ownership connection to Cyber Ninjas. They want to know about allllll their money, including money they've received for this particular Arizona fraudit. They want to know about all Logan's communications, if any, with Donald Trump and anybody involved with his enterprises in any way, and also Rudy Giuliani, Sidney Powell, Lin Wood, Michael Flynn, the nutbag MyPillow guy, and others. And so much more!

Basically hand it all over. You dumb morons are about to have your bamboo examined with UV lights by no less than Carolyn Maloney's House Oversight Committee.

Can't wait for the televised hearings.

[House Oversight Letter]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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