OK, Who's Writing The Matt Gaetz Screenplay, Because This Sh*t Is WILD
Let's just skip to the part about the UFOs, shall we? We all know that's where this weird-ass Matt Gaetz story is headed, right? Maybe we ought to just cut to the chase and acknowledge that the Florida congressman with the roving peener (allegedly!) is a space alien.
BREAKING: Matt Gaetz found to be secret space lizard! Must credit Wonkette!
Oh, we kid ... probably!
When last we left that freak, he and his father were flapping their yaps to every reporter in DC about a supposed sextortion plot to get the congressman out of trouble with the FBI in exchange for a $25 million payoff.
"HENGGGHHHHH????" we all said in unison? How could some lawyer in Pensacola who hasn't worked for the government in 16 years make a federal investigation disappear?
When he appeared on Tucker Carlson's show Tuesday, Gaetz implied that the entire FBI investigation was a Democratic plot to shut him up and steal money from his father.
"These allegations aren't true. They're merely intended to try to bleed my family out of money," he protested, perhaps too much, accusing federal prosecutors of leaking the story to the New York Times to blow up the sting operation the Gaetz family was running to catch the perps in the act.
As if the so-called extortion caused the federal investigation — you know, in the same way that babies cause sex.
And then the Iran stuff dropped. Hooboy!
According to the Examiner, the federal investigation into Gaetz's relationship with a teenage girl had been underway for months when his father, Don Gaetz, was approached by a former Air Force intelligence officer named Bob Kent and his attorney, David McGee, with a harebrained scheme to free an American hostage held in Iran and clear the congressman's name.
"I would like to talk to you immediately about the current federal investigation and the indictment that is about to be filed against your son," the March 16 text reads. "I have a plan that can make his future legal and political problems go away."
Kent and McGee have been working for years to free Robert Levinson, a CIA operative who went missing in Iran in 2007. The US government has told his family that Levinson is dead, but Kent claims to have more recent proof of life. When Don Gaetz met with Kent and McGee the next day, they allegedly presented him with a typed memo which began with a detailed description of his son's legal problems, with references to "compromising pictures depicting Congressman Gaetz and an Election Official involved in a 'sexual orgy with underage prostitutes', in Maitland, Florida," which "has resulted in Congressman Gaetz becoming a target of a widening investigation into serious underage sex trafficking, political corruption, public integrity, and other Criminal allegations against Congressman Gaetz and others."
"A Grand Jury has been impaneled, in the Middle District of Florida, to determine whether criminal charges shall be brought against Congressman Gaetz and others," it continues. "It has been confirmed that at least one underage female has testified to the Grand Jury that Congressman Gaetz has paid her to engage in sexual activities."
But never fear, these randos have a solution to all the congressman's problems!
"Our strategy for Congressman Gaetz to mitigate his legal, and political, troubles would be for him, or someone else, to arrange for the funds required to obtain the immediate release of Robert Levinson from captivity in Iran," they wrote.
The "plan," dubbed "Project Homecoming," appeared to go like this:
- Step 1: Poppy Gaetz "loans" the schemers $25 million;
- Step 2: Schemers pay $25 million to Iran and secure Levinson's release;
- Step 3: Matt Gaetz is "on the plane" when Levinson comes home;
- Step 4: Gaetz is a hero;
- Step 5: President Biden disappears Gaetz's legal problems, since heroes are allowed to have sex with minors;
- Step 6: Schemers collect $25 million reward from US government for Levinson's release;
- Step 7: Schemers pay Poppy Gaetz back for his "loan" and promise never to mention it again;
- Step 8: ALIENS!!!!!
The Examiner has emails apparently from the FBI confirming Don Gaetz's claim that he wore a wire during at least one meeting with the schemers. They've also got a photo of a business card from a guy named Stephen Alford, a Florida businessman who served ten years on a fraud conviction, whom Gaetz claims was at the meeting. But it's not clear if the illegal conduct here is extortion of the Gaetz family or some other violation of sanctions laws. It's also not clear how these geniuses thought Poppy Gaetz was going to move $25 million into the lawyer's escrow account by March 19 — i.e. in three days — without leaving a paper trail that would inevitably lead to the whole stupid caper becoming public.
What is clear, however, is that Rep. Gaetz's legal problems occurred long before these desperate idiots put the squeeze on his father. This is not, as Gaetz would have us believe, one unified, dastardly plot to shut him up because "we are in an era of our politics now Tucker, where people are smeared to try to take them out of the conversation."
The feds were investigating Gaetz's pal Joel Greenberg, the Seminole County tax collector awaiting trial on a raft of charges including embezzlement and paying minors for sex. And some sort of way that investigation led them to Gaetz's door.
Equally clear is that Gaetz's strategy to salvage his political career by talking about his legal problems with every reporter in DC is really fucking stupid when it comes to his legal defense.
"My hope is that the truth will set me free, so I'm trying to get as much truth out as possible," he told Politico yesterday, after having confirmed that he did in fact ferry women across state lines for sex. Which makes it a lot easier for the government to simply enter some poor girl's birth certificate into evidence, since Gaetz has more or less copped to the other elements of the crime. (Yes, it's more complicated than that. But still!)
Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy is so far ignoring Democratic demands to yank Gaetz from the Judiciary Committee, but appears open to cutting him loose if the investigation goes any further, telling NBC, "DOJ has not told me anything. If a member at my conference gets indicted, they will get removed from a committee. He says this is not true. And we have a newspaper report that says something else. We'll find out the basis."
Meanwhile, the congressman's parachute into private life seems to have sprung a leak. On Tuesday, Axios reported that Gaetz was thinking of noping out of Congress for a sweet gig at Newsmax or another conservative outlet. He confirmed as much yesterday to the Daily Beast, saying, "There is not a single conservative television station I haven't had a passing conversation with about life after Congress. I have neither received nor solicited offers from any of them. But yes, I've talked to either executives, producers or hosts at Newsmax, OAN, Fox, Fox Business, Real America's Voice and probably others I'm forgetting in this moment as I focus intently on refuting false accusations against me."
But even wingnut welfare is denying Gaetz's application.
"No one with any level of authority has had conversations with Matt Gaetz for any of our platforms and we have no interest in hiring him," a Fox spox told the Beast.
"Right now, I'm not really hiring anybody for talk shows," said OAN's CEO Robert Herring.
"Highly doubt it, highly," Newsmax sources said, when Beast reporters asked if Gaetz would be joining the network.
Womp womp. And also, CRIPES, COULD THIS SHIT GET ANY WEIRDER?
We'll keep you posted.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.