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Slow news day, huh? JKLOLFML we are dead now! Okay, don't punch the teevee because Jim Jordan's ugly mug is back on AGAIN. Let's quicklike look over Cohen's statements so far and the receipts he brought to Congress, and maybe see what cray criminal cray shit might be coming down the pike.

First up, why exactly has Team Treason been screaming its collective brains out about Michael Cohen's falsified loan documents? Here's Congressman Jody Hice, the pride of Georgia, who actually thought he did a GREAT job interrogating Cohen.

Michael Cohen just walked in the room and dumped three years of Donald Trump's financial statements on the table. It's not a crime to lie to get on the Forbes Let Them Eat Cake List, but it is a crime to submit false loan documents. Just ask Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort. And if, as Michael Cohen says, these inaccurate financial statements were submitted to Deutsche Bank to secure financing, then Donald Trump can also be prosecuted for falsifying loan documents. The fact that DB just LOL'd and didn't finance his purchase of the Buffalo Bills is irrelevant.

Oh, looky looky! It's Michael Cohen saying that these inflated financial statements were submitted to Deutsche Bank with his loan applications. And that means, dear ones: LOCK HIM UP!


And in case there's any confusion, here's Cohen's opening statement.

As previously stated, I'm giving the Committee today three years of President Trump's financial statements, from 2011-2013, which he gave to Deutsche Bank to inquire about a loan to buy the Buffalo Bills and to Forbes. These are Exhibits 1a, 1b, and 1c to my testimony.

Paging House Ways and Means Chair Richard Neal! You wanna maybe step it up and get those Trump tax returns already?

And while we're on the subject of reaching out and touching someone, Don Jr. CALL YOUR LAWYER.

Would that be DJ's John Hancock on this reimbursement for the hush money payment "laundered" through the Donald J. Trump trust account? Which we already knew, but ... time for this dude to be led out in bracelets! There was a conspiracy to violate campaign finance laws, and Executive 2 needs to pay the price.

And another thing ... what the hell was this about?

According to Michael Cohen, the Trump Organization discussed laundering the hush money payment to Stormy Daniels through a padded invoice from one of the Trump garbage palaces. Would they cut Cohen a check for $130,000 of catering services? Or, would they find some sympathetic donor to pay Daniels directly? Either way, this would be hella illegal, and raises interesting questions on CFO Allen Weisselberg and Chief Legal Officer Alan Garten's accounting and legal stewardship of the Trump Org. Probably safest to LOCK 'EM ALL UP.

Let's just hit one more thing from Cohen's prepared statement to Congress, since we're thinking New York Attorney General Tish James probably noticed it.

Mr. Trump directed me to find a straw bidder to purchase a portrait of him that was being auctioned at an Art Hamptons Event. The objective was to ensure that his portrait, which was going to be auctioned last, would go for the highest price of any portrait that afternoon. The portrait was purchased by the fake bidder for $60,000. Mr. Trump directed the Trump Foundation, which is supposed to be a charitable organization, to repay the fake bidder, despite keeping the art for himself. Please see Exhibit 3B to my testimony.

In fact, as The Washington Post's Dave Fahrenthold confirms, this was the third painting Trump inappropriately purchased using money marked for charitable purposes.

A nine-foot portrait of Donald Trump? ENJOY YOUR NIGHTMARES, KIDS!

Eeeeeeeeek! Okay, that's enough cray shit for today. Go throw some money at Evan for liveblogging this insanity, which resumes again in an hour! Here's to the first of thousands of Congressional hearings funtimes blogs. And many mooooooooore!!!!

[Cohen Opening Statement]

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