Old English Lady Visits America
The Queen of England is still here, trying to surreptitiously take back the US for the British Empire under cover of darkness in a backroom deal with Dick Cheney, the Church of Scientology, a number of Freemasons, and Hitler's brain.
But that meeting never actually happened because they've been distracting the Queen with some bullshit. So far they've taken her around some boring colonial Jamestown horse-and-carriage shit (she has to be sick of that historical reenactment stuff from the former colonies by now), then she was apparently forced to address the Virginia legislature for some reason, then she spent the weekend in Kentucky (yes, the Derby was going on -- it's still Kentucky), and now she's doing the usual boring Washington diplomatic visit routine: South Lawn ceremony, garden party at the English ambassador's house, state dinner. We think they're intentionally showing the Queen a really shitty time so that she never comes back and the British royal family just quits bothering us with their byzantine rules of etiquette, their Nazi costumes and their fiery car wrecks.
Otherwise they'd take her not to our stupid tourist traps, but our Imax Theaters, our megamalls, our TGI Fridays and Chiles, our private schools, our private hospitals, our private prisons -- the things that truly make America great.