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YOU JUST MISSED THE MOST HILARIOUS THING.

Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi went to the White House to meet Donald Trump over the possibility of a looming government shutdown, which Trump has been threatening if he doesn't get his damn WALL! WALL! WALL! WALL! Did you hear the uneducated moron baby say WALL? What if he throws his poop at you and screams and cries WALL? Will that make you understand that WALL?

It did not go well for the president of the United States. They brought cameras in, and instead of everybody just smiling for the picture and then meeting in private, Trump decided to try to debate Chuck 'n' Nancy, two people who have more brains in their pinky fingers than Trump has in his whole face, and who have more balls in their pinky toes than Trump has in his entire pants.

Here's the full video, and then we will walk you through what happened below that:

Trump's contentious meeting with Pelosi and Schumer www.youtube.com


Trump started out the meeting by saying WALL! Schumer just smirked at him and said, "It's calling funding the government, sir."

Trump replied that WALL! and WALL! and said he's already built and renovated a lot of WALL! (That is a lie. Or maybe he's just a fuckin' idiot and his people are telling him there is already lots of WALL! to keep him from having such a big tantrum in his crib he ends up hurting himself.)

Then it was Nancy Pelosi's turn to talk, and she started by making fun of Trump for whining about a government shutdown over WALL! when his GOP still controls the whole government, at least for a few more weeks. Then she called it a "Trump shutdown," which was SHOTS FIRED.

Trump responded, "What did you ...," because he couldn't believe a mere woman would disrespect him by accusing him of causing a shutdown because of WALL! Pelosi even tried to give Trump an opportunity to save face, by saying we probably shouldn't talk about this in front of the press, BUT YET HE PERSISTED. (In being a stupid fuckstain.)

Pelosi then made fun of Trump because there are not enough votes in the House for WALL!, even while the GOP still controls everything. (Womp womp.) When Trump protested that he could totally get the votes in the House if he needed them, Pelosi dared him to try.

Trump tried to say to Nancy Pelosi's face that there are terrorists coming across the Mexican border in droves, apparently because he briefly forgot Nancy Pelosi is not a scaredy gunhumper eating meth cookies and watching "Hannity" with his sister-wife in Alabama. Chuck Schumer chimed in and noted that the Washington Post says Trump is a huge fucking liar every time he talks about WALL!

AND THEN THE MURDERS BEGAN. No, seriously, this is when it got good.

Schumer correctly told Trump to his face that he, Trump, is the one who is always threatening to shut down the government because the baby didn't get his way. Trump responded by whining about WALL! Pelosi tried to settle things down by reminding Trump that they were there in good faith, as the "first branch of the government," the legislative, as opposed to the executive, which is not first, HAHA, TRUMP, NANCY PELOSI JUST CALLED YOU SECOND PLACE. Anyway, shouldn't we do this behind closed doors, so Trump doesn't have a meltdown on live TV? No?

Here is an approximate transcript of the next section, paraphrased with dick jokes:

TRUMP: WALL! You can't have border security without WALL!

PELOSI: Nope.

SCHUMER: Actual experts say Dipshit's wall is real dumb.

TRUMP: WALL!

PELOSI: Y'all notice how fucked up the stock market is lately?

TRUMP: Lowest unemployment in the past 50 years!

PELOSI: LOL not in the Republican wing of the House of Representatives!

TRUMP: I WINNED THE SENATE! NOBODY EVER SAYS I WINNED THE SENATE!

SCHUMER: Look at champ over here bragging about Republicans winning Indiana and North Dakota.

TRUMP: I DID WINNED THOSE STATES!

SCHUMER AND PELOSI IN UNISON: Bitch please.

TRUMP: WALL! CARAVAN! TERRORISTS! DISEASES! Also Nancy Pelosi is too weak to talk right now.

PELOSI: Can't hear you, thinking about how we just won the biggest Democratic landslide in the House since Watergate. Funny, right? Anyway, can we please meet in private now so we don't have to call the president a fucking idiot to his face on TV? Kinda feels like punching a wounded puppy, TBH.

And then Trump stated for the record that he definitely will goddamn shut down the government if he doesn't get WALL! because WHINE! WHINE! WHINE!

Exact transcript:

TRUMP: Yes. If we don't get what we want, one way or the other, whether it's through you, through a military, whoever you want to call, I will shut down the government. Absolutely. I am proud to shut down the government for border security. I am proud to shut down the government for border security, Chuck! [...] I will take the mantle, I will be the one to shut it down. And I'm going to shut it down for border security."

Schumer was like "Hey, y'all got that on camera, right?"

After the meeting, Pelosi and Schumer came out to take a victory lap over how hard they just You Got Served the president. Pelosi said she told him he should "pray" about the proposals the Democrats brought him today. THAT'S RIGHT, NANCY PELOSI'S PARTING SHOT TO TRUMP WAS "YOU NEED JESUS."

Today was the best day in the history of the White House.

Or, you know, the opposite of that.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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