One Small Step For Trump, One Giant Step On A Rake For All Mankind

Donald Trump is back on American soil, and another bumblefucking foreign trip of shame is in the books. And oh, what an embarrassment it was! Donald Trump has become the first sitting president to walk into North Korea, and in true Art Of The Deal mode, America got nothing in return for this conferring of legitimacy on the world's most dangerous dictator.

It all started just after Trump yet again embarrassed himself by curling up in a puppy pile with Vladimir Putin and whimpering like a submissive dachshund in front of TV cameras. Friday night, Trump sent what was perhaps the most pathetic, thirstiest tweet he's ever typed out with his miniature fingers:

But, like, only if you want to, Kim Jong Un! Like, it doesn't have to be a date! Maybe they could just, like, go to a movie together, but it doesn't mean they're going together, LOL OK? Anyway check "yes" or "no" or "maybe next Tuesday" on this tweet to say if you have a crush on the president of the United States, who is currently playing M.A.S.H. with his name and Kim's name in his Trapper Keeper.

It turns out something like this had been in the works all week, with Trump all the way back to last Monday wanting to meet Kim at the DMZ. It was mentioned during an interview with the Wall Street Journal, the White House asked them not to print it for security reasons, they said "OK," and Trump just ... tweeted it out. We guess Kim wasn't answering his texts, even though he could totally see Kim had read them, because um hello you can see when people have read texts on iPhones, and OMG WHY WAS HE NOT RESPONDING?

Of course, Trump has been lying about the meeting, claiming before it happened that the Obama administration "begged" for meetings with Kim Jong Un, because this pathetic fucking fistula of a human being is apparently unaware that NO TRUE AMERICAN PRESIDENT WOULD MEET WITH THE NORTH KOREAN DICTATOR IN EXCHANGE FOR NOTHING.

And if you want to see something REALLY pathetic, check out Trump announcing that he's been planning this for a long time. Look how nervous he looks! He just really wants Kim Jong Un to ask him to the senior prom. BUT WILL HE?

So Trump went to the DMZ, and Kim did show up -- guess there weren't any important state murders to attend to at that particular moment -- and it was as embarrassing as it possibly could have been. Trump said it was HIS honor to step across that line -- how debased must the American president be for that to be HIS honor? How low on the totem pole of world leaders must you be for kind treatment from Kim Jong Un to be something you aspire to?

"Good to see you," said Kim, dressed in a black Mao suit. "I never expected to see you in this place."


Sorry, Trump stans, but it's pretty clear now that "MAGA" stands for "last place loser" in whatever mumbling dementia language your shithole god baby speaks.

Oh yeah, and Trump said he'd be open to inviting Kim to the White House, because apparently he feels a pathological need to only and always be debasing America abroad.

Here is a video of Trump talking about how "powerful" Kim's voice is, talking about how "honored" he is, and also thanking Kim for accepting the invitation in his "Call Me Maybe" overshare tweet -- we are not kidding here -- because of how it would have looked really bad if Kim had stood him up and the media would have made fun of him.

And of course Tucker Carlson was in the room, because ... um, well, we guess there was an extra seat on Air Force One in the white hood section.

Afterward, Tucker Carlson helped Fox News viewers work through the cognitive dissonance of whether or not it was cool for Trump to get in bed with a mass murderer who starves his people, by saying all world leaders kill people, so don't be so silly:

Kim will continue to pursue nuclear weapons, more easily than he has been, because he knows all he has to do is wink at Trump, and he gets a free pass. Oh hey, what is this in the New York Times? An article saying that the Trump administration might ... accept??????? ... North Korea as a nuclear power, as long as they pinky swear not to make any new weapons, in exchange for a whole basket of sanctions relief and Trump Steaks? Jesus fucking Christmas.

This is not history being made, and when Trump is out of office, it will be but one of the many asterisks that accompanies his name in the history books. Trump's last summit with Kim Jong Un ended in laughable failure at least partly, we think, because Trump was distracted by the laser pointer of Michael Cohen testifying against him before Congress back in America, which rendered his seven brain cells incapable of functioning on their normally inferior level. Kim is obviously only pursuing this relationship -- and writing Trump BEAUTIFUL love letters, just very sweet and romantic with hearts and glitter and perfume -- because he wants nukes, and he sees that Trump can easily be played.

Hey, aren't you excited about Trump's big North Korea-style Fourth Of July Military Patriotism Parade, for Patriots? He wants to bring tanks onto the National Mall, just like they do in North Korea! Wouldn't that be a very legal and very cool stable genius thing to do?

Our founding fathers are weeping.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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