One Time Trump Sucked So Hard At Golf He Had To Cheat A Small Child To 'Win'

UPDATE: When we wrote this story, the Vox interview it references talked about a SMALL CHILD Trump cheated off of. Vox has now issued a correction saying OOPSIE the person they were interviewing screwed up, and the person in question was in fact a YOUNG MAN, and we don't mean like "GO TO YOUR ROOM, YOUNG MAN!" Apparently he's in his 20s. DOESN'T CHANGE HOW DONALD TRUMP IS A PIECE OF SHIT.

And now, on with our regularly scheduled post!

Stories of Donald Trump being a weak-ass thin-skinned loser who cheats at golf are myriad and they are all pathetic and gross. A quick perusal of internet dot com brings up a million stories about Trump cheating and lying on the golf course, "winning" tournaments he didn't actually participate in, and just in general acting like the same fucking pig on the golf course he acts like everywhere else. A lot of the stories are proliferating right now because a sportswritin' fella named Rick Reilly wrote a book called Commander In Cheat: How Golf Explains Trump, published about a month ago, about how Trump's boorish loser behavior in golf tells you a whole lot about the man who currently is stinking up the Oval Office with his orange skin flakes and his cheesy Big Mac farts.

As Reilly wrote in The Atlantic last month, "Whatever Trump Is Playing, It Isn't Golf."

Reilly has a new interview in Vox, and one snippet of it is flying around Twitter, because it's about Trump cheating at golf off A LITTLE BOY YOUNG MAN OF A CERTAIN AGE. Part of the story was reported a couple of months ago at, about a tournament Trump "won" but didn't even play in, because it was held during his Singapore fail-summit with Kim Jong Un. But the "cheating against kids STRAPPING YOUNG MEN" part is new!


[A] month later ...

That's right, a month after the tournament.

Trump's there at his golf course, with the Secret Service and the SWAT team guys and all that stuff. And he sees Ted Virtue, one of the financiers behind the movie Green Book.

Virtue [...] was playing with his kid, who I think is 10 or 11 years old [WRONG. -ed.]. He [Trump] sees Ted on the 9th hole and decides to drive his cart over there. He tells Ted: Congrats on winning the club championship, but you didn't really win it because I was out of town.

Ted tries to laugh it off, but Trump is dead serious. Trump says, "We're going to play these last six holes for the championship."

The championship that already happened.

And Ted's like, "I'm playing with my son, but thanks anyway." But Trump says, "No, your son can play too." So they end up playing.

They get to a hole with a big pond on it. Both Ted and his son hit the ball on the green, and Trump hits his in the water.

Psssst! Trump is as bad at golf as he is at president-ing.

By the time they get to the hole, Trump is lining up the kid's ball. Only now it's his ball and the caddie has switched it. The kid's like, "Daddy, that's my ball." [emphasis ours]

DADDY! said the 10- or 11-year-old boy young man in his 20s. DADDY! The president is Rust Belting again! DADDY!

But Trump's caddie goes, "No, this is the president's ball; your ball went in the water." Ted and his son look at each other confused, not sure if this is really happening. And Trump's caddie says, "This is the president's ball. I don't know what to tell you."

Trump makes that putt, wins one up, and declares himself the club champion.

And that is the story of Donald Trump winning a championship he didn't play in, by challenging a grown man to a golf duel after the fact, based on only six holes of golf, and then changing the rules midway through -- because we guess his first cheaty set of rules wasn't working -- so that he could use that man's young son's superior golf swing in order to become champion in a tournament that was over and done.

And you guys think it's a stretch to think his campaign cheated to win the 2016 election? And you think he'd have any qualms about losing the popular vote in 2020 by ten million, and the Electoral College by over 100, and screaming bloody murder and refusing to leave and demanding a do-over? Fuck.

Reilly tells more fun stories in the Vox interview. For instance, how does Trump rack up all those "club championships" he claims to have won? WELL. Reilly says Trump opens a new club, throws the first championship, and proceeds to PLAY THAT CHAMPIONSHIP BY HIMSELF. That means, by default, he, the solo golfer with no opponents, is the winner.

Of Golf Solitaire.

REILLY: [I]t's usually just him and Melania in the cart and nobody else. He just makes it up.

And why is Trump like this, besides how he's an overgrown loser with no self esteem who would literally explode if he ever had a moment of self-reflection in his failure of a life? Well, you see, it has to do with how Hillary is the real collusion and if Hillary is the real collusion, then he's got to do collusion of his own, in order to even the playing field. But it's not as bad as THEIR collusion!

I've had three or four people tell me they called him on [his cheating] on the first hole. He kicks the ball so much that caddies call him Pelé. He throws it out of bunkers, he retakes shots, he throws other people's balls into the water.

But every time people call him on it, he has the same answer, which is, "Oh, the guys I play with, you've got to do this just to keep it fair."

He's not cheating, THEY'RE cheating. And THEIR cheating is even bigger than Watergate!

There's much more where that came from, so hit up Vox for the rest. And if you haven't read that story Reilly wrote in The Atlantic last month, you should hit that up too. Oh yeah, and this thing about him cheating while playing Tiger Woods.

Like we said, the internet is full of this shit.

And on that note, this is your OPEN THREAD, have a nice weekend, goodbye!


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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