Only Seekers Pure Of Heart May Gaze Upon House GOP's Sacred Obamacare Replacement!

Rand Paul just wants to read the bill :(

A weird thing happened in Washington today! We learned Wednesday night that House Republicans had drafted some portion of a bill to repeal and replace Obamacare, but NOBODY BUT HOUSE REPUBLICANS would be allowed to see it, because they can't handle the truth we guess.

You see, Speaker Paul Ryan had earlier explained that the House GOP wouldn't be making its repeal-and-replace bill in a "backroom" in secret like a common Nancy Pelosi, who said so long ago that nobody was allowed to know what was in the original Obamacare bill until they voted on it. (She didn't really say that.) But then Ryan changed course and said he was locking his surely amazeballs OCare replacement bill in a super secret basement room called H-157, and that only people who knew the secret password (House Republicans, and also the password is probably "banana hammock") were allowed to enter the room, approach the bill and gaze upon it in its glory.

So Thursday, GOP Sen. Rand Paul was like "fuck this, I wanna look at it, I wanna see it noooooooooow," so he clip-clopped his Aqua Buddha hooves down yonder to find this H-157 room of legend, that he may touch the bill's blessed parchment.

Thus beginned-eth Rand Paul's adventure!

To learn what happened next, we must go to the Twitter feed of Buzzfeed Capitol Hill reporter Paul McLeod, who was there the whole time. UH OH, WHAT IS THIS SNAG?

FOUR GUARDS! This must be a bitchin' bill, that has definitely been written! Would Rand Paul be able to answer the Sphinx's line of questioning, that he may receive the wisdom? DEEEEEEE-NIED!

Rand Paul was pissed off! As Paul McLeod reports, Sen. Paul did a little mini-presser about how unfair it was that the House GOP was guarding the bill like a "national security secret," complaining that they wouldn't let him, a nice Republican senator, see it, and saying that goddangit, THE PUBLIC should be able to see it! He even BROUGHT A COPY MACHINE, just in case the bill was too holy and fragile to be moved.

OK, so Rand Paul was thwarted in his plan. Better luck next time, Rand!

Rep. Paul Tonko, Democrat of New York, came to take a looksee at the bill. After all, he is a member of the House in good standing, and should be allowed in to the basement sexxx room where all the best bills are kept, yeah? Nah, he is a Democrat, and this secret fun dungeon is only for the GOP:

Even House Democratic Whip Steny Hoyer showed up, and reporters were finally allowed in the secret inner sanctum, but alas, 'twas no bill to be found! Now, it's not that the GOP is hiding anything, it's just that any true seeker of the Holy Grail the GOP's Obamacare replacement knows that its mysteries aren't contained in some room, but are rather written on the hearts of those who search for it with only the purest of intentions.

Just kidding, WHERE IS THE FUCKING BILL? Paul McLeod reports (click if you don't believe us) that the "old secret location got too much heat," so they had to hide it in a new place, and Huffington Post reporter Christina Wilkie says people are LITERALLY running all over the Capitol looking for the bill. HuffPo's Matt Fuller says reporters are even going into GOP reps' offices to make sure they're not hiding the bill. For real:

Can we take a moment to remind everyone that this is what happens when you give Republicans full control over the government?

Apparently, Democrats think this is HILARIOUS:

So, have they found the bill? THE FUCK YOU SAY, that wouldn't be very fun at all. Jan Schakowsky didn't know she was going to get to do a treasure hunt today, much less one that would make the Democrats look AMAZING in the eyes of the American public, but every day is a new surprise when the GOP is in control!

Anyway, this shit is fucked up yo.

In conclusion, the bill definitely exists, but it's in a second secret location, after the first secret location generated too much heat, and here is a video of Steny Hoyer praying to a bust of Abraham Lincoln (PBUH) about what a shitshow the deceased 16th president's party has become:

Never forget, y'all. Never forget.

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[Buzzfeed / New York Magazine]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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